Dale Wyngarden: Relationships are the key to happiness

Our men’s group down at the church gathers every two weeks for an hour of rumination on some social issue, then adjourns for pancakes or eggs. Recently the topic was “What makes us happy?” inspired by an 80-year Harvard study that began with 268 sophomores in 1938 and is continuing today with nine of the original participants and 1,300 of their descendants.

It turns out that there is just one paramount predictor of happiness: relationships. Not wealth, property, power, prestige, fame, accolades, trophies or awards. Simply healthy relationships.

If you think about how lifestyles have changed from 1938 to today, it’s little wonder we seem to be an increasingly miserable people.

Eighty years ago, Holland was peppered with neighborhood corner grocery stores. Neighbors walked to their local grocer to shop. Today, there’s one remnant in Central Park. A few others have transitioned to Hispanic groceries, but many have been converted to residences or demolished and paved over. The occasional Dollar Store is a poor substitute for the neighborhood grocery of yesteryear. Today we drive to big chain stores with acres of asphalt.

Chance encounters with someone we know happen, but are the exception, not the rule. Homes had front porches that faced neighborhoods before we replaced them with garages up front and moved to rear decks or patios where we sit and stare at our fences. A number of neighborhood churches have closed, while several others struggle to survive.

Some have been repurposed for activities like Boys and Girls Club or the Civic Theater. Others are fading memories, replaced by new development or parking. Mega churches with massive parking lots succeeded them. But across the board, church memberships are declining, taking with them one of our great historical sources of relationships. Younger generations today may never know what a potluck dinner is.

Communities large and small used to welcome visitors with billboards displaying service or social clubs: Kiwanis, Rotary, Lions, Elks, Moose, Eagles, Optimists, Exchange, Junior League, JC’s, Knights of Columbus, Masons, Odd Fellows, and many others. For the younger set, scouting, sometimes secular and sometimes denominational, offered opportunity to learn, serve, and build relationships. For the most part, these organizations are shrinking, or have hit the dustbin of history.

Kids enter into athletic relationships as ambitious parents guide them into one sport after another. Ultimately, though, the reality hits that only one in sixteen thousand high school athletes make it to a professional level, and short-lived sports relationships begin to wither.

In 1938, beginning a job with an employer often led to a lifetime working career. Today, the average adult will work for 12 employers during their working years. The average length of time with an employer is 4.3 years. Relationships may be numerous, but are likely less enduring.

COVID-19 closed many offices, and more and more people today would rather stay working at home.

Even family relationships are shrinking. My father was one of six siblings; my mother one of five. They had three children. Those three had a combined total of three kids. My youth was blessed with an abundance of uncles, aunts and cousins. My children’s childhood was not.

And increased mobility has made their meager assortment of relatives increasingly distant. Add in the reality that over forty percent of first marriages end in divorce, and families as the sources of abundant and enduring relationships are declining.

Little by little the breeding grounds for building relationships have eroded, and prospects of returning to yesteryear are slim. Where then are today’s sources of establishing and nurturing relationships? I simply don’t know. I do know there’s a spike in gun sales with every heinous crime, and we grow increasingly suspicious and fearful of each other. This is a wrong road to a happy nation. We need to be mindful that the road to happiness is paved with good relationships, and work vigilantly to foster them at every opportunity. Greatness without happiness is a hollow achievement.

— Community Columnist Dale Wyngarden is a resident of the city of Holland. He can be reached at wyngarden@ameritech.net.

This article originally appeared on The Holland Sentinel: Dale Wyngarden: Relationships are the key to happiness