Your Crush Making Time For You Is A *Major* Green Flag
When it comes to dating, it's almost too easy to list off your deal breakers, turn-offs, and all-around icks. Maybe you make for the hills at the first sign of mind games, or perhaps you swipe left on anyone who wears sunglasses in every single dating app profile pic. While some dating deal breakers are a matter of personal preference, others are unhealthy, toxic, and/or relationship-damaging red flags.
But what about the good characteristics? The green flags, if you will.
Watching out for green flags early on in a dating situation can help tell you if the other person has the potential to be a compatible, long-term partner, says couples therapist Larissa House, LCSW.
Meet the Experts:
Larissa House, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist based in San Francisco, California.
Afshan Mohamedali, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship therapist based in New York.
Kalley Hartman, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the men’s clinical director at Ocean Recovery.
Ricki Romm, LCSW, is a couples and individuals relationship therapist based in New York.
Lorraine Edwards, MSW, is a life and relationship coach in Gainesville, Florida.
So, what are green flags, exactly?
House explains that “green flags are anything that indicate that the person and the relationship dynamics have the potential to be safe, enjoyable, and healthy, and has what it takes to turn into a great partnership.”
But, green flags aren’t the same for everyone across the board. For example, most might say that a red flag is your dating interest badmouthing their ex and complaining about their past relationship. However, if they’re able to honestly share what they learned from their past, including the parts where they were at fault or otherwise didn’t go as planned, and how they are intentionally growing from those experiences, that red flag can quickly go green.
How can you discern between red flags and green flags?
Ultimately, what determines if a flag is green versus red is whether you feel as though you’ve taken a step further in a positive direction in this relationship, says House. (Green means “go,” after all.)
“With so many factors—such as our feelings and emotions, narratives we have about relationships, our past experiences, and our hopes and dreams—affecting us as we enter into a relationship, committing to look for green flags and being clear [about] what we need can help us choose a partner and a relationship that will be healthy and enjoyable for us,” she adds.
Now, before you go scurrying off in search of those green flags, let’s be clear that they’re not a sign to completely let your guard down (uh, relax), but rather are positive affirmations that this could be someone worth investing more time in. Slow and steady wins the race, amirite?
Without further ado, these are 14 relationship green flags to look out for when dating someone new, according to relationship experts.
1. They make time for you.
People have busy schedules, but it’s a green flag if they actually carve out time in theirs to spend 1:1 moments together. If they take the initiative to schedule dates and often are the first to texts and (gasp!) call, this shows they’re invested in getting to know you and building a relationship with you.
You want someone who is willing to put in the time it takes to grow a relationship, not just someone who likes the idea of one, says House. You don’t want to find yourself getting breadcrumbed by a potential love interest, trust.
2. They are self-aware.
Typically, a person with a solid sense of self-awareness will bring their commitment to learning about themselves to a relationship—and will be a better partner for it, explains House. They will know how feelings and situations impact them and will respond to conflict in a healthy and more balanced way.
This doesn’t mean they’ll do things perfectly all the time, but a self-aware partner will more quickly and genuinely apologize, as well as work towards repair, because they know that conflict doesn’t mean crisis, she says. In other words: They know how to flow through emotionally-uncomfortable situations. (Emotional intelligence? Now, that’s sexy.)
3. They have a good relationship with friends and family.
If your date has people in their life who enjoy being around them, that’s a good sign, says House. People naturally gravitate towards those with positive qualities, so if your crush has a strong network of close friends and family, it means that they are able to maintain and nurture positive relationships.
Beware of someone who talks badly about friends, family, coworkers, or exes because it could be an indicator that they might be the one who doesn't play well with others. Many problems that arise in romantic relationships are also evident in platonic relationships.
So, if your potential beau cuts people out of their life when they disagree or doesn’t see the value in community, chances are you’ll be on the receiving end of those same behaviors that caused the other people in their life to distance themselves, says House.
4. They collaborate on decisions.
Even at the beginning stages of dating, there are lots of opportunities to collaborate and work together, such as deciding when to meet up next or picking a place to eat. If you want a partner who will collaborate with you on the big life decisions, any potential beau will show you they’re able to do that by collaborating with you on the small, seemingly insignificant stuff first.
House emphasizes that it’s a green flag if they approach decisions involving the both of you with a sense of collaboration and compromise—it’s not just them telling you how it’s going to go or telling you to make the decisions on your own. Sharing an idea without being pushy about it demonstrates confidence and vulnerability, and pivoting and compromising based on both your and their ideas demonstrates flexibility and respect, all of which are essential for a healthy relationship, she adds.
5. Their words match their actions.
Simply put, if they back up what they say with what they do, that’s a green flag, says New York-based relationship therapist Afshan Mohamedali, PhD. There is a very clear and observable thought process and follow through on plans and intent, which is important so you aren’t left wondering where you stand or reading between the lines.
6. They vocalize their feelings.
Our feelings motivate everything we do but can sometimes cause misstep, explains Mohamedali. In a new relationship, look for someone who shares their feelings to help provide context to their thought process and behavior, enabling you to feel closer to them as a result. If they crossed a boundary, their disclosure should offer reflection, awareness of the impact on you, and thoughts toward change—it shouldn’t serve as an excuse for bad behavior.
7. They remember things about you.
A good sign that someone is interested in getting to know you better? They remember small details about your life, says licensed marriage and family therapist Kalley Hartman, LMFT. This shows they care enough to pay attention and make an effort to recall what you’ve shared with them.
When they remember details about you that you mentioned in passing, it really shows they listen to you. It also shows they’re interested in you as a person as opposed to simply seeing you as a body to hook up with (uh, gross).
8. They are curious about you.
Two important signs of curiosity are asking questions and listening, says couples and individuals relationship therapist Ricki Romm, LCSW. Curiosity can indicate they’re interested in you and want to get to know you as a full person—as opposed to being self-absorbed or making assumptions. According to Romm, curiosity says, “I value you as an individual and want to keep learning.”
9. They support you having your own life, separate from them.
And they have one, too.
Romm expresses that, in the beginning, it can be easy to want to spend all your time together, but it’s critical that both parties are able to maintain separate identities.
In the short term, you don’t want to be with someone who is insecure and possessive, making it difficult for you to keep up the activities and other relationships that bring you joy and satisfaction, she says. Plus, once you're in a long-term relationship, that space and freedom will help keep the spark alive!
10. They are genuinely kind to everyone.
Let’s assume—although it’s not always the case—that your new date is going to be decent to you, as you are the person they’re trying to impress. But how do they interact with people they don’t care to form a relationship with?
Romm shares that the way they treat the other people around you—the bartender, a cab driver, the people sitting at the next table or behind you at the movie theater—is even more telling of their character. Does this person treat others with consideration and respect, or are they selfish and rude? Take notes! Rudeness is often an indication of how they’ll treat you once they get comfortable over time, so don’t ignore those snarky remarks. (Hello, red flag.)
11. They respect your boundaries.
Whether you're talking about sex, money, time, or anything else, they understand that “no” means no and not “try to talk me into it.” Trusting that your boundaries matter to your partner is crucial to being able to feel comfortable and let your guard down, says Romm.
12. They have goals for themselves.
Having personal ambitions is important, both independently and within the context of a relationship, says Hartman. If someone is motivated to pursue their goals and dreams, it could be a sign that they are capable of making both short-term and long-term commitments—something that is necessary for any healthy relationship.
13. They appreciate your differences.
Sometimes, people try to project things they desire in a partner onto the person they’re dating, which can be damaging to a relationship, but newsflash: A potential beau is not a passion project.
Everyone has different backgrounds, interests, and personalities, so it’s important to be with someone who takes time to get to know what makes you special and celebrates those things instead of trying to change them, says Hartman. Essentially, it’s a sign they truly value who you are as you are.
14. They’re intentional with their words.
This person understands the power of words and uses them to encourage, uplift, empower, and create intimacy, says Lorraine Edwards, MSW, a life and relationship coach. They don’t just think you look amazing today; they tell you because they understand the importance and impact of sharing those sentiments out loud. And this is not just with you—you see them doing it with family, friends, and even strangers.
Even in times of conflict, they use their words to create a bridge, resolve issues, and bring unity, rather than insult, denigrate, or humiliate others, says Edwards. And both partners being able to effectively communicate their feelings in both good times and bad is important to any successful ‘ship—point, blank, period.
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