The crush crash: Why do we fancy fewer people as we get older?

Sometimes I look back on my twenties with a wistful admiration. Life wasn’t better then – far from it. I was perpetually broke, lived in horrible house-shares and had yet to figure out how to dress in a manner that didn’t make me look like a children’s TV presenter.

Still, you know what I do miss about those days? Fancying people. I fancied everyone back then. Well, maybe not quite everyone – but pretty much every other person. Go to a house party and you’d bump into a minimum of five fanciable characters. Head to a bar and you’d daydream about copping off with at least 30 per cent of the patrons. I had a new burning-hot crush to lust after once a fortnight and I have the anguished diary entries to prove it.

It’s not to say these mild obsessions were all requited – the “children’s TV presenter” sartorial choices put paid to that. But it didn’t really matter. The exciting part was that you could effortlessly meet someone – anytime, anywhere – who made your heart skip a beat. It felt like being permanently on the cusp of your next great love story. There was so much potential; life was pregnant with romantic possibilities.

The next decade brought its fair share of butterflies initially. But as the early thirties became mid-thirties, and then tipped into late-thirties, there was a cliff-edge drop-off – I came to the depressing realisation that I hadn’t had an honest-to-goodness infatuation in… six months? A year?

Talking to a single friend in her forties recently, I came to the same sad conclusion as her: while we were still capable of the kind of instant connection that prompts sleepless nights and desperate phone-checking for new messages, these experiences had gone from being a fairly frequent occurrence to so rare that catching feelings was like catching a unicorn.

“I haven’t properly fancied someone in about two years,” she said glumly. I felt her pain.

I have a job where I meet interesting new people on a regular basis. I’m also actively dating, and have gone out with a bevy of fascinating suitors over the last few months. But my innards remain stubbornly in status, seemingly filled with pupae, rather than butterflies.

It makes you wonder – are we getting more picky as we get older? Is the pool of eligible men shrinking to such a degree that it’s now basically a puddle? Or are we just no longer hard-wired for crushes that make us ache with yearning?

One piece of research posits that our feelings in general lessen with age. “Our study suggests that older adults generally report lower levels of emotions – whether positive or negative, experiential or global – as compared with their younger counterparts,” concludes the “Getting Older, Feeling Less?” study, which surveyed 2,500 people in Germany across a range of ages about their emotions and wellbeing.

Perhaps it’s simply that, as we mature and find deeper emotional stability, the wildness and flightiness that prompts us to fall in love with every stranger we lock eyes with across a crowded train platform diminish. However, other research shows that the physiological experience of falling in love doesn’t change, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. “The basic brain region and pathways linked with feelings of intense romantic love were just as active in people over 50 as they were among the people… who were in their twenties,” Fisher told The Washington Post of one study she conducted. “This is a basic drive, and it doesn’t really change.”

It could be more about the fundamental truth that many of us become more discerning as we get older. Each relationship has imparted wisdom about who you are and what you want; you’ve hopefully created a life that’s rich and full, and a new partner would have to enhance that rather than detract from it. A study from the University of Queensland based on a survey of 7,325 heterosexual daters found that older women were “pickier” when it came to romantic partners, with the “pickiest” demographic being those aged between 35 and 50. But women aren’t the only ones getting more selective. In a 2018 study of dating app users published in Psychological Science, researchers found that men were less likely to be as particular as women until they hit 40 – at which point they took the lead in terms of pickiness.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, this evolving self-actualisation. But it does mean that the number of people you view as being a potential love interest steadily dwindles from a gushing tap to an occasional drip.

Man, I used to fancy some truly heinous people based on the flimsiest of pretexts – we could quote from the same Will Ferrell film, say, or I appreciated their range of Christmas jumpers. While admirable traits, they’re not quite enough to build an entire fantasy life around these days. There needs to be a deeper connection before I start picturing what our unborn children will look like.

It’s also undeniable that there are fewer available paramours to swoon over as we age – particularly for heterosexual women. I’ve never been the type to get my kicks from flirting with a married man; in fact, the very presence of a wedding ring dials my sexual interest down to zero. But it does sometimes feel like the “all the good ones are taken” trope rings true. The unmarried women I know have only become more accomplished and attractive as time goes by. The same can’t always be said for their male contemporaries.

The data bears out this perceived disparity: Daniel Cox, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, surveyed more than 5,000 people in the US about dating and relationships. Nearly half of college-educated women said they were single because they struggled to find someone who met their expectations; only a third of men said the same. His in-depth interviews were “dispiriting”, added Cox, revealing that men were “limited in their ability and willingness to be fully emotionally present and available” by the time they began dating.

In her book Motherhood on Ice: The Mating Gap and Why Women Freeze Their Eggs, Yale anthropologist Marcia Inhorn also concluded that educated women freeze their eggs because they’re unable to find a suitable male partner. She charted the “frustration, hurt and disappointment” of women who were “almost without exception … ‘trying hard’ to find a loving partner”, but were consistently confronted with commitment-averse men. Crush-wise, it’s hardly a turn-on when a man starts visibly sweating upon hearing the words “future” or “minibreak”.

Meanwhile, although women might struggle to find age-appropriate men to fancy, their counterparts have fewer qualms about dating younger. Leonardo DiCaprio is not alone: data shared by OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder in his book Dataclysm showed that men, regardless of how old they are, forever remain most attracted to women in their twenties. Not so for women, who tend to be most attracted to men around their own age.

But I like to think there’s a more hopeful reason not every guy under the age of 50 with his own teeth does it for me anymore. Looking back, I think the real reason I fancied all the male flotsam and jetsam that passed by had more to do with how I felt about myself than about them. Deep down, I wasn’t confident that anyone would like me back – so I cast the net wide, happy to take whatever came my way. My volume of crushes has decreased in direct correlation to my self-esteem and sense of worth increasing. Perhaps finally believing I deserve the right person, rather than any person, is responsible for the dearth of butterflies.

I’m still hopeful, though. If they’re currently in their pupae state, it’s only a matter of time before I meet someone who nudges them into the next stage of the life cycle. Then they’ll wake up, emerge from their cocoons and finally fly free – whether or not the man in question can quote Will Ferrell on demand.