Did Anything Ever Come From Timothée Chalamet's Apple TV+ Ads???
Earlier this year, Timonthée Chalamet starred in one of the best ad campaigns I've seen in a long time. In fact, the AppleTV+ spot made me, out loud, say, "that's a good commercial." It's a work of art. I would gladly watch Timothée Chalamet do anything, including eat human flesh. But if you asked me before the ad if I would gladly watch Timothée Chalamet in a commercial, I’d probably have said, "Timmy is doing commercials now?" and look concerned for him. I worry about him, you know!
In the ad, Timothée Chalamet comes to realize that some of the biggest and brightest stars of today—such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Momoa, Jennifer Lawrence, Selena Gomez, and more—have roles on Apple TV+, an award-winning streaming platform. But him? Nothing. The ad ran right along many other high-profile celebrity spots leading up to the Super Bowl, but it not only wasn't a Super Bowl commercial—it also didn't result in anything! Are you, AppleTV+, telling me that you convinced Chalamet to beg you for a show just to not give him one? Cruel! It's now been over two months (!) since the ad first ran. Why hasn’t Apple TV hired him yet? WHY? Did you know he was in two Best Picture nominees last year?!
Naturally, upon watching, we here at Esquire felt terrible for him. I hate to see that little frown! So we’ve decided to dream up roles for him in all of our favorite Apple TV+ shows, to help whoever is in charge over there get their juices flowing a bit.
Severance
OK, Ben Stiller, listen: we haven't met Kier yet. Well, supposedly he's dead, but we know they're up to some weird human preservation stuff in the goat department of the Severed floor anyway. Why not Timothée, stowed away somewhere in Lumon, skin and bones (check!), surviving only on the energy of the chipped employees? What the hell are they all doing down there, anyway! - L.K.
Foundation
Thanks to Dune, we all know that Chalamet has the space opera chops to play pretty much any character here. Just think about it: Timmy versus Lee Pace as two intergalactic hotties fighting with flaming katanas? 'Nuff said. - Adrienne Westenfeld
Dickinson
Alena Smith's audacious comedy ended its run in 2021, but hear me out. Apple, I'm begging you—please revive it for a fourth season and cast Chalamet as John Keats. Sure, Emily Dickinson and John Keats never overlapped, but maybe Keats travels through time to nineteenth century Amherst or something. Time travel and other stranger things have already happened on this show. "Sickly poetic visionary" is the role Chalamet was born to play!—A.W.
Ted Lasso
Heading into its third (and likely final!) season, Ted Lasso has never had a great villain. No, you biscuit-eater—Nate the Great and his gray-haired heel turn doesn't count. I don't hate the guy, which is critical for any sports story. Enter Clémence Couture, the young, hotshot French coach who eats optimism and cheer with his morning espresso. Played by Chalamet, Clémence goes to downright hostile places to get to Lasso, traveling to America so he can seduce his ex-wife. Yeah, I said it! Think Sacha Baron Cohen's sassy, sensitive Jean Girard from Talladega Nights.—Brady Langmann
The Oprah Conversation
No one but Oprah can get to the bottom of our biggest questions for Chalamet, like: did he audition for Gladiator, and did he give half of NYU chlamydia?—A.W.
Schmigadoon
Season Two of Schmigadoon, called Schmicago, promises to take the starry cast into a new era of musical theater history: '60s and '70s musicals. Give us a Cabaret parody and cast Chalamet as The Emcee at the Kit Kat Club. Can he sing and dance? We won't know until Wonka comes out, but for now, we're happy to bet big on him.—A.W.
(Ed. note: How could Adrienne forget about Timmy's shoulder roll in the Call Me By Your Name dance scene?)
The Peanuts Classics
Consider this a petition to recast Schroeder as Timmy, the earnest yet awkward Soundcloud rapper and Ms. Lawton's star pupil. School dances will never be the same.—B.L.
Anyway, Apple, thank you for your consideration. Call us if you want to talk about Clémence Couture—that one's going to cost you.
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