Conversations with friend shouldn't be taxing, set polite boundaries and be honest

QUESTION: During the past month of tax season, my friend was busy telling me how he handled all his tax shelters and deductions. I finally told him that I did not need to know about his finances, and I have not talked to or seen him since I threw out that boundary. Was there a better way to handle this?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: Talking about taxes is boring in my opinion but some people think of it as a game. Maybe he was trying to help you or give you advice?

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Sometimes setting boundaries can make people uncomfortable, whether it’s with the boundary itself or with how a person delivers the news. That doesn’t make setting them wrong. You have to do what’s best for you, and you can’t control how your friend handled that information. If you want to repair what might be a broken friendship, then ask your friend what is wrong, preparing yourself for whatever his answer is. See if you can find common ground about this.

You can also think about whether you were off-putting in the way you spoke him and change your approach the next time. It is still OK that for you personally, you wanted to keep the topic of tax shelters and deductions off-limits. All you can do is review your own motivations and your way of setting boundaries and move forward in a different way, whether by remaining friends if possible or not. Maybe your friend was just embarrassed. Without asking, you won’t know.

HELEN’S ANSWER: You can always the change the subject when confronted with issues you don’t want to talk about. Or just listen and thank him for the advice. In this case, you didn’t ask the question about how he handled his finances and he shouldn’t be so materialistic in thinking that you would want to know. Not everyone wants to view things in terms of how much money is being saved or deals being made.

If you think you hurt his feelings by your answer, you can always apologize for it, but, remember to remind him that you think finances are personal and maybe you all should keep your own counsel and not discuss that issue anymore.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Chuck Ainsworth, community leader: Based on how you framed your question, you probably waited too long before letting your friend know how you felt. If that happened, one’s response may not have been very diplomatic. These days there are many subjects best left alone, but certainly money, politics and religion are at the top of any list. If those, or any other topics, come up and make you uncomfortable, there are two easy ways to diffuse the situation. You can respond by saying “thank you for sharing that” and then change the subject or politely excuse yourself and leave.

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email hfsok@aol.com.

This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Etiquette: Set conversational boundaries about uncomfortable subjects