What Brand Slogans Would Say if They Were Actually Being Honest
Truth Hurts
If there’s one thing that big corporations do well, it’s lie. Miller High Life is the "champagne of beers"? Come on. But consumers often see through the public relations B.S. as they did in a recent thread on Reddit. In a popular r/AskReddit post, thousands of users mocked the biggest brands by taking a “brutally honest” approach to rewriting their slogans.
Applebee’s
Actual Slogan: “Good food, good people.”
Honest Slogan: “Professionally microwaved food.”
The rumor that Applebee’s chefs are professional microwave operators is so widespread that the restaurant chain ran an ad insisting that its steaks were “wood-fired.” True or not, it doesn’t matter. If your grub is bad enough that people start calling you “Microbees,” then there’s something wrong with your food.
Electronic Arts
Actual Slogan: “It’s in the game.”
Honest Slogan: “Unlock this slogan for only $19.99.”
Twice named “Worst Company in America,” Electronic Arts has earned a nasty reputation for mistreating its employees, making dirty exclusivity deals, killing promising game studios, and obliterating the used game market. Oh, and it’s the king of greedy microtransactions.
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Target
Actual Slogan: “Expect more. Pay Less.”
Honest Slogan: “Cause you don’t want to go to Walmart.”
Target is, as one Redditor puts it, the “slightly less trashy” version of Walmart. It’s where Trader Joe’s yuppies go when they need to restock their La Croix — except they call it “Tarjay.”
Apple
Actual Slogan: “Think different.”
Honest Slogan: “You don’t want people to think you are poor, do you?”
There’s nothing that says rich quite like a giant iPhone, a brushed aluminum MacBook, and a shiny, new Apple Watch. But if you really want to look moneyed, you’d better pre-order the new headset. It’s only $3,500.
Pepsi
Actual Slogan: “Every Pepsi refreshes the world.”
Honest Slogan: “Is Pepsi OK?”
Poor Pepsi. The underdog of the soda world tries so hard to stay relevant with its tone-deaf advertisements and revolting new flavors. But no matter how hard Pepsi tries, Coca-Cola still rules the world.
Starbucks
Actual Slogan: N/A
Honest Slogan: “Where it takes seven words to say coffee.”
With its own lexicon and culture, Starbucks might as well be its own country. It certainly feels that way when you overhear regulars rattling off orders for venti half-breves with two pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup.
Nike
Actual Slogan: “Just do it.”
Honest Slogan: “Our kids making products for yours.”
True to the task, this slogan is harsh but accurate, as Nike has long faced criticism for labor conditions in its factories. In 1996, Life magazine ran a photo showing a 12-year-old Pakistani boy sewing Nike soccer balls. And more recently, reports have alleged that the company uses forced labor from prison camps in China.
Ticketmaster
Actual Slogan: N/A
Honest Slogan: “We’ll rob you blind just to see Some Guy.”
Ticketmaster found itself in hot water last year after the Taylor Swift fiasco. But the real issue is that the company has a monopoly on the entire industry supply chain — from artist and venue management to ticketing. Because of that stranglehold, Ticketmaster can sort of do whatever it wants, including ripping fans off.
Spirit Airlines
Actual Slogan: “Less money, more go.”
Honest Slogan: “... and you thought Greyhound was f***** up.”
Speaking of rip-offs, have you heard of Spirit Airlines? Sure, your ticket might be cheap — until you have to pay for bags, seats, snacks, and a printed boarding pass. In that way, flying Spirit is a bit like crossing a minefield full of surprise fees, flight cancellations, and piss-poor customer service.
Related: When the Spirit (Airlines) Moves You ... Run Fast in the Opposite Direction
Walmart
Actual Slogan: “Save money. Live better.”
Honest Slogan: “Because you don’t have Target money.”
Among Redditors, Walmart is known as Target’s more affordable, trashy sibling. It’s where you go when you care more about dirt-cheap prices than appearances.
This article was originally published on Cheapism
