Get the bird out of the way. It’s blocking all the good stuff on the holiday table

How can I love Thanksgiving and yet hate the turkey part of the meal? It’s not even that I don’t like to eat turkey. I do.

I enjoy a turkey sandwich, but only if it’s made with maple glazed honey coated turkey breast. So basically I like turkey disguised as ham. I also still have the fondest of memories of the Swanson turkey TV dinner from the ’70s, which included mashed potatoes, stuffing, a tablespoon of gravy and that cranberry apple dessert that was to truly scrumptious to 7-year-old me.

But as for eating a thick slice of turkey on Thanksgiving? That’s a hard pass. As far as I’m concerned it’s taking up valuable real estate on my plate where some more sweet potato casserole could go.

The problem with all this is if I made a Thanksgiving dinner without turkey, there would be a mini revolt in my family. So every year I cook a turkey while complaining about cooking a turkey.

Oh sure, I could order a pre-cooked turkey, but at this point it’s become a family tradition — and by that I mean the complaining part. I’m sure it wouldn’t feel like Thanksgiving at all if my kids didn’t get to enjoy the dulcet tones of me grumbling in the kitchen about the blasted turkey.

Alas, I tried many different ways to prepare a turkey from those heat-resistant oven bags that promise a moist turkey and an easy clean up. But in my case the turkey always ended up with a snap, crackle and pop. So, umm, basically the opposite of moist. As my son once said, “Congratulations, you’ve made turkey dog chews.”

I’ve also done all that salt rubbing and basting nonsense. One Thanksgiving I was exfoliating and moisturizing the turkey so much I felt like I was an attendant at some high-end spa. The biggest bummer was that for all that effort the turkey was still a little dry.

This is why I believe gravy was invented. It’s a foolproof food lubricant. Yeah, I realize that sounds kind of disgusting so let me go old school and quote my grandmother whose motto was, “There’s nothing that gravy doesn’t make taste better.”

The one thing I’ve never attempted to do in the hopes of having a resplendent, juicy turkey cooked to perfection is deep fry the bird. OK, full disclosure: I once did try to deep fry a turkey breast and the results were, well, let’s say inedible with a side of my life flashing before my eyes.

Based on that experience, I would never attempt to cook a 30-pound bird in a vat of cooking oil. Sorry but once a recipe calls for a “commercial grade” fire extinguisher and elbow length Kevlar insulated gloves that are heat resistant to 932 degrees Fahrenheit, count me out.

I’ve also been an eyewitness to extended family members frying a turkey and it was horrifying. Here’s a lifesaving tip for you: Don’t ever put a frozen turkey in 30 quarts of cooking oil. The result will be akin to watching the Hindenburg disaster.

Honestly we all need to admit that the turkey is just an unnecessary distraction from the festival of carbs that’s gracing the table. Never mind that all the time you spend fussing with the turkey could be put to better use like making more luscious desserts or adding mac and cheese to the menu.

So, this Thanksgiving maybe I’ll dare to toss tradition to the wind and free the bird in favor of more pies. That sounds like a sweet deal to me.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.