7 signs you were raised in a toxic family (and how to move on)
Every family has the occasional argument. But if you’ve always felt like you become your worst self when you’re back at home, your family could be treading on toxic territory. “Toxic people are draining; encounters leave you emotionally wiped out," says Abigail Brenner, M.D. "Time with them is about taking care of their business, which will leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, if not angry. Don’t allow yourself to become depleted as a result of giving and giving and getting nothing in return." Sound familiar? Here are seven ways to find out if your family is toxic and how to deal.
RELATED: 5 Traits All Toxic People Have in Common
How to Move on from a Toxic Childhood
1. Detach. Give yourself some space—but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to write off or avoid your family. “Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity,” says Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT. “It means not reacting, not taking things personally, and not feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs.” Now that you’re an adult, you’re not obligated to hang out with your family constantly…or even at all. Set the boundary that works for you—say, lunch with your dad every two weeks—and remind yourself that it’s OK to keep as much emotional distance as you need to.
2. Avoid triggers. If you’re constantly getting flak from your parents about deciding to be a musician, stop talking about it around them. If they bring it up, cut down the conversation as soon as possible and change the subject. Here’s how the conversation could go:
Mom: I never understood why you couldn’t get a stable, well-paying job like your sister. Did you know that an entry-level job in the tech world starts at six figures? How much has your music made you this year?
You: You’ve already told me your opinions about my music, and I’d appreciate if we talked about something else. Did you find that dresser you were looking for?
Mom: No, I haven’t found it yet, but I’m going to Ikea on Thursday.
3. Try the Grey Rock Method. We first discovered this handy trick on psychologist Nadene van der Linden’s blog, Unshakeable Calm. In a nutshell, it’s a tool to prevent toxic people from escalating a situation. Act as boring, uninteresting and disengaged as possible and toxic people will find it less exciting to try to manipulate you and choose another target. It takes some acting chops, but you don’t have to be Meryl Streep to master it. Find out more about the Grey Rock Method here.
RELATED: How to Cleanse Your Home of Negative Energy
