Eating out at a restaurant can be a total gamble. Sometimes you have the best meal of your life, and sometimes, well, not so much.
Foods chefs never order
Foods chefs never order
If the restaurant is letting them go for this cheap, you aren’t getting a deal—they’re just really, really low-quality oysters. Stick with a seafood spot that specializes in oysters (they’ll probably be at least $2 a piece). And don’t even think about eating them if they have a fishy smell.
A salad should be just as exciting as every other appetizer on the menu. In other words, a mesclun mix is a total snooze-fest. Order literally any other app and chances are, you’ll be much more satisfied.
…Oh, wait, except this app. Ceviche, a Latin American dish made with raw fish “cooked” in lemon juice, requires high-quality fish to be done right. More often than not, this isn’t the case, making for a taste that’s tough and chewy. You’re safer with a cooked fish appetizer instead, like sardines.
Whether it’s in a salad or as an appetizer, this flavor combo just doesn’t work, the Ruffian chefs insist: “Every time we’ve ordered this dish, it’s been disappointing.” Let’s save the watermelon for a picnic and the feta for shakshuka, shall we?
How many pieces of salmon have you had in your lifetime? 580? Were any of them particularly memorable? Nope, we didn’t think so. Order a flavorful fish stew or a mussels dish instead—broaden your horizons, people.
So we consulted the pros: Josh Ochoa and Andy Alexandre, chefs at Ruffian Wine Bar & Chef’s Table in New York City, are revealing the dishes they’d never, ever order when dining in a restaurant. Take notes.
In most restaurants, after 8 p.m. or so, all the coffee is decaf because no one wants to clean two different coffeepots. I'll bring out a tray with 12 coffees on it and give some to the customers who ordered regular, others to the ones who ordered decaf. But they're all decaf. -Charity Ohlund
At a lot of restaurants, the special is whatever they need to sell before it goes bad. Especially watch out for the soup of the day. If it contains fish or if it's some kind of 'gumbo,' it's probably the stuff they're trying to get rid of. -Kathy Kniss, who waited tables for ten years in Los Angeles
Avoid the lemons
Now that I've worked in a restaurant, I never ask for lemon in a drink. Everybody touches them. Nobody washes them. We just peel the stickers off, cut them up, and throw them in your iced tea. -Charity Ohlund, Kansas City waitress
I've never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers mess with your credit card. If a server doesn't like you, he might try to embarrass you in front of your business associate or date by bringing your credit card back and saying, 'Do you have another card? This one didn't go through.' -Charity Ohlund
If you ask me how many calories are in a particular dish, I'm not allowed to tell you even if I know. I'm supposed to say, 'All that information is available online.' Here are nine sneaky signs your drinking too many calories. -Waitress at a well-known pizza chain
We don't carry all those types of milk
Skim milk is almost never skim milk. Very few restaurants outside Starbucks carry whole milk, 2 percent milk, skim milk, and half-and-half; it's just not practical. -Chris
Homemade doesn't always mean homemade
Some places buy salad dressings in one-gallon jars, then add a few ingredients, like a blue cheese crumble or fresh herbs, and call it homemade on the menu. Here's how dressing makes salad more nutritious. -Former waiter Jake Blanton
Please don't ask for hot tea
The single greatest way to get your waiter to hate you? Ask for hot tea. For some reason, an industry that's managed to streamline everything else hasn't been able to streamline that. You've got to get a pot, boil the water, get the lemons, get the honey, bring a cup and spoon. It's a lot of work for little reward. (Here are 13+ health benefits of drinking tea, though.) -Christopher Fehlinger, matre d at a popular New York City restaurant
Tips are pooled
In many restaurants, the tips are pooled, so if you have a bad experience with the server, you're stiffing the bartender who made your drinks, the water boy who poured your water, sometimes the hostess, the food runners, and maybe the other waiters. -Christopher Fehlinger
Eggs are normally made from powder
Even at the best breakfast buffet in the world, 99 times out of 100, the big pan of scrambled eggs is made from a powder. -Jake Blanton (Here's the right way to make scrambled eggs.)
It's normally the kitchen's fault
People think that just because your food took a long time, it's the server's fault. Nine times out of ten, it's the kitchen. Or it's the fact that you ordered a well-done burger. -Judi Santana
We know when you're having an affair
When you're with the woman who's not your wife, you're a lot nicer to us, probably because you know that we know it's not your wife. -Caroline Radaj, waitress at a members-only club outside Milwaukee
You'll get rewarded for being a regular
It's much easier to be recognized as a regular on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays. Once you're recognized as a regular, good things start to happen. You'll find your wineglass gets filled without being put on your bill, or the chef might bring you a sample. -Christopher Fehlinger
Avoid certain days
Avoid Mother's Day and Valentine's Day like the black plague. It's crazy busy, so they're not going to be able to pay as much attention to quality. Plus, they bring out a special menu where everything is overpriced. -Steve Dublanica
Order for your kids
If the restaurant is busy and your child is shy, please order for him. Kids can sit there forever trying to decide, or they whisper and you can't hear them. Meanwhile, the people at the next table are yelling at you to come over. -Derek Dudley, a waiter at a casual pizza restaurant in Phoenix
Know how to tip
The best tippers tend to be middle-class or people who have worked for everything they have, not the really wealthy or the kid who inherited the trust fund. Which is not to say that we mind if you use coupons. But when you do, tip on the amount the bill would have been without them. -Judi Santana
First dates are the best for tips
First dates, especially blind Internet dates, are great for tips. You know he'll probably order a bottle of wine and leave a 20 to 25 percent tip because he's showing off. -Jeremy Burton, waiter at a grill in southwest Michigan
Don't order fish early in the week
Don't order fish on Sunday or Monday. The fish deliveries are usually twice a week, so Tuesday through Friday are great days. Or ask the restaurant when they get theirs. -Steve Dublanica
We can't be honest about what we don't like
We're not allowed to tell our customers we don't like a dish. So if you ask your server how something is and she says, It's one of our most popular dishes, chances are she doesn't like it.
I'll make you feel guilty if I work on a holiday
On Christmas Day, when people ask why I'm there, I might say, My sister's been in the hospital, or, my brother's off to war, so we're celebrating when he gets back. Then I rake in the tips.
-Chris, a New York City waiter and the founder of bitterwaitress.com
We cover when our coworkers want to go have a quick smoke
If you're looking for your waiter and another waiter tells you he's getting something out of the stockroom, you can bet he's out back having a quick smoke.
If someone orders a frozen drink that's annoying to make, I'll say, "Oh, we're out. Sorry!" when really I just don't want to make it. But if you order water instead of another drink, suddenly we do have what you originally wanted because I don't want to lose your drink on the bill.
-Waitress at a casual Mexican restaurant in Manhattan
We do snack on the food
When I was at one bakery restaurant, they used to make this really yummy peach cobbler in a big tray. A lot of times, servers don't have time to eat. So we all kept a fork in our aprons, and as we cruised through the kitchen, we'd stick our fork in the cobbler and take a bite. We'd use the same fork each time.
We'll trick you into thinking we made your soup hotter
If you make a big fuss about sending your soup back because it's not hot enough, we like to take your spoon and run it under really hot water, so when you put the hot spoon in your mouth, you're going to get the impression—often the very painful impression—that your soup is indeed hot.
We want you to enjoy yourself while you're there eating, but when it's over, you should go. Do you stay in the movie theater after the credits? No.
If you're a large party, don't order waters for everyone
My biggest pet peeve? When I walk up to a table of six or seven people and one person decides everyone needs water. I'm making a trip to deliver seven waters, and four or five of them never get touched.
-Judi Santana, a server for ten years
We'll give you things 'on the house' to get better tips
Sometimes, if you've been especially nice to me, I'll tell the bartender, "Give me a frozen margarita, and don't put it in." That totally gyps the company, but it helps me because you'll give it back to me in tips, and the management won't know the difference.
We love to eavesdrop
If you're having a disagreement over dinner and all of a sudden other servers come by to refill your water or clear your plates, or you notice a server slowly refilling the salt and pepper shakers at the table next to yours, assume that we're listening.
We know you're not that close with the chef
I get this call all the time: "Is the chef there? This is so-and-so. I'm a good friend of his." If you're his good friend, you'd have his cell.
We always check the reservation book, scan the names, and hope for someone recognizable. I'm happy if the notes say something like "Previous number of reservations: 92." If they say something like "First-time guest, celebrating Grandma's 80th birthday, need two high chairs, split checks, gluten allergy," then I start rummaging through my pockets for a crisp bill for the hostess and I make sure to tell her how much I love her hair fixed like that.
We've been asked to do strange things
The strangest thing I've seen lately? A man with a prosthetic arm asked me to coat check it because the table was a little bit crowded. He just removed his arm and handed it to me: "Can you take this?"
Use my name
Use your waiter's name. When I say, "Hi, my name is JR, and I'll be taking care of you," it's great when you say, "Hi, JR. How are you doing tonight?" Then, the next time you go in, ask for that waiter. He may not remember you, but if you requested him, he's going to give you really special service.
-JR, waiter at a fine-dining restaurant and author of the blog servernotslave.wordpress.com
Trust your waitress
Say something like "Hey, it's our first time in. We want you to create an experience for us. Here's our budget." Your server will go crazy for you.
Please take home the right receipt
If you walk out with the slip you wrote the tip on and leave behind the blank one, the server gets nothing. It happens all the time, especially with people who've had a few bottles of wine.
If you say, "Don't worry—I'm a really good tipper," that always means you aren't.
We can tell when you don't eat out often
When you say, "I'll have the pasta Alfredo," it tells me two things: You aren't interested in trying new things, and you don't eat out much. Restaurants put this dish on their menus because it's "safe," it sells, and it's cheap to make.
The salads sit
At one restaurant where I worked, the salads were made up to three days earlier. They were sitting on a tray with a thousand other salads in the refrigerator. The waiters went back, grabbed a plate and some dressing, and handed it to the customer.
If you don't like something, don't muddle your way through it like a martyr and then complain afterward. If you don't like it, don't eat it. Send it back and get something else.
Check on the ingredients
Ask what's in your smoothie. A lot of restaurants use half-and-half. So you think you're ordering a healthy strawberry-banana smoothie, but it's really full of fat.
Watch when I pour water
Watch out for what I call the touchdown. That's when the waiter comes around to refill your water and the pitcher actually touches your glass. If he's touching all the other glasses with the same pitcher, think about all those germs.
Ask to speak to the owner, not the manager
If you're having a problem, speak to the owner if you can. Managers may have very little power. They're less likely to comp a meal, and most aren't authorized to give away free alcohol. They'll also take it out on the server if you have problems.
The bathroom is a good judge of cleanliness
If you're worried about cleanliness, check out the bathroom. If the bathroom is gross, you can be sure the kitchen is much worse.
It can help you get a job in the future
When I'm hiring, I always look for someone who's spent some time as a waiter. What I learned waiting tables was far more valuable than anything I learned in college as far as how to interact with the human race.
-Jim Sheehan, former stockbroker and waiter who now owns a successful IT consulting firm
We like doing nice things for our customers
Once on Mother's Day, this older lady came in alone and told me that her kids weren't able to be with her that year, but they had mailed her a gift card. So I told my manager that we had to make this an exceptional experience for her. I told her to come back with a friend some time and use her gift card because tonight, her meal was on us. We comped her dinner, and I sat with her through dessert while she told me about her kids. My coworkers were happy to cover my other tables for 15 minutes. The woman told me she would remember that dinner forever.
-Melissa McCracken, longtime waitress in Hawaii
Watch out for this server lingo
Drive-by: Finding an excuse, such as refilling the water glasses or clearing plates, to stop by a particular table. "You've got to do a drive-by on the woman at table 22. She's hot."
Upsell: Swaying diners to order more than they normally would or to order a higher-priced item, driving up the bill and hence the tip. Customer: "I'd like a gin and tonic, please." Waiter: "Bombay Sapphire?"
Camper: A diner who hangs around too long after he's eaten. Restaurants typically allot about 50 minutes for lunch and up to 90 minutes for dinner, depending on the type of restaurant. You can make up for camping by leaving a bigger tip. Here are some other little dining etiquette rules for eating in a restaurant.
Think twice about being rude to your waiter
CEOs say the way a potential employee treats a waiter offers insight into that person's character and ability to lead, according to an article in USA Today. And a 2005 survey of 2,500 members of Itâs Just Lunch, a dating service for professionals, found that being rude to waiters ranked No. 1 as the worst in dining etiquette, at 52 percent, way ahead of blowing your nose at the table, at 35.
Studies indicate that waiters can boost their tips by: lightly touching the customer, crouching next to the table, introducing themselves by name, and—believe it or not—drawing a smiley face on the check.
If you are a pack of females, you want separate checks
And I don't mean split evenly by the number of people. I mean split down to the exact number of Diet Cokes with lime each person consumed. And if eight gals order a $14 appetizer to share, that needs to be split into $1.75 each. If you are a pack of females over age 55, I'm near tears. You want all of the above, plus you're going to complain about every single thing.
-Kansas City waitress Charity Ohlund
If you look like you have an eating disorder, you do
Beautifully skinny model types move their food around the plate for two hours, or they devour the whole porterhouse and head to the ladies room immediately.