Kristoff St. John’s ex-wife Mia reflects on his struggle with the loss of their son (Exclusive)

Kristoff St. John’s ex-wife Mia St. John is looking back at his life, including the heartbreaking loss of their son, Julian, who died by suicide in 2014.

The Young and the Restless star passed away a little over a week ago at his home in LA, shocking fans and devastating a family that has already coped with tragedy. Now, Mia is opening up about her last conversation with him and his struggle to survive their son’s passing.

“He called me at 11 a.m. and the first thing he said was, ‘Mia, thank God you answered,’” she shared. “He was just so depressed. He was drinking and just saying, like, nonsense -- that he didn't want to be here anymore.”

She went on to claim Kristoff was so disoriented, he said that he saw their late son.

“He said, ‘Julian is at the door I gotta get the door,’” she shared. “[He] said, ‘Okay, let’s talk to Julian, bring Julian in.’ Julian came in and he said, ‘Julian is gonna take me for a walk now’ and I said, ‘No you aren’t going for a walk right now.’”

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Kristoff St. John through the years
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Kristoff St. John through the years
PASADENA, CA - APRIL 29: Actor Kristoff St. John (L) and daughter Paris St. John attend the CBS Daytime Emmy After Party at Pasadena Convention Center on April 29, 2018 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images)
PASADENA, CA - APRIL 29: Actor Kristoff St. John (L) and daughter Paris St. John attend the CBS Daytime Emmy After Party at Pasadena Convention Center on April 29, 2018 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images)
PASADENA, CA - APRIL 29: Sharon Case (L) and Kristoff St. John speak onstage during the 45th annual Daytime Emmy Awards at Pasadena Civic Auditorium on April 29, 2018 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES - APRIL 20: Kristoff St. John plays Neil Winters on THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS. (Photo by Monty Brinton/CBS via Getty Images)
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA - OCTOBER 01: Kristoff St. John (L) and Dana Derrick at Southern California's Foothill AIDS Project Balls O' Fire celebrity bowling tournament at Brunswick Zone Deer Creek Lanes on October 1, 2017 in Rancho Cucamonga, California. (Photo by Tasia Wells/Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV - JULY 14: Actor Kristoff St. John attends the 10th anniversary celebration of 'The Beatles LOVE by Cirque du Soleil' at The Mirage Hotel & Casino on July 14, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Gabe Ginsberg/Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV - JULY 14: (L-R) Lola St. John, actor Kristoff St. John and Paris St. John attend the 10th anniversary celebration of 'The Beatles LOVE by Cirque du Soleil' at the Mirage Hotel & Casino on July 14, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bryan Steffy/FilmMagic)
LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 27: Kristoff St. John is seen on April 27, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by gotpap/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - APRIL 26: Actor Kristoff St. John attends the CBS Daytime Emmy after party at The Hollywood Athletic Club on April 26, 2015 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic)
LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 02: Actors Sean Kanan and Kristoff St. John on day 2 of The Hollywood Show held at The Westin Hotel LAX on August 1, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 19: Coverage of the CBS series THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, scheduled to air on the CBS Television Network. Pictured: (L-R) Kristoff St. John (Neil Winters) and Christel Khalil (Lily Ashby) (Photo by Sonja Flemming/CBS via Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - OCTOBER 06: (L-R) Actors Lamon Archey, Redaric Williams, and Kristoff St. John attend the closing night for the Hollywood Black Film Festival (HBFF) at The Ricardo Montalban Theatre on October 6, 2013 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Imeh Akpanudosen/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - MARCH 26: Actress Jeanne Cooper (front, center) poses along with the cast of the 'Young & The Restless' during the 'The Young & The Restless' 40th anniversary cake-cutting ceremony at CBS Television City on March 26, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Amanda Edwards/WireImage)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - AUGUST 23: Actor Kristoff St. John attends The Young And The Restless: celebrating 10,000 episodes at The Paley Center for Media on August 23, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - AUGUST 23: (L-R) Actors Kristoff St. John, Doug Davidson, Michelle Stafford and Melody Thomas Scott, writer Maria Arena Bell and actors Jeanne Cooper, Eric Braeden, Peter Bergman, Joshua Morrow and Christian LeBlanc attend The Paley Center for Media presentation of 'The Young and the Restless: Celebrating 10,000 Episodes' at The Paley Center for Media on August 23, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by David Livingston/Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES - AUGUST 22: Katherine Chancellor (Jeanne Cooper, left), meets with Nikki Newman (Melody Thomas Scott, center) and Neil Winters (Kristoff St. John, right), on CBS' THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS, (Photo by Sonja Flemming/CBS via Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 04: Actor Kristoff St John, actress Amelia Heinle, and actor Thad Luckinbill arrive at the United Friends of the Children's Brass Ring Awards Dinner 2010 honoring Julie Chen & Leslie Moonves held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on May 4, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Caulfield/WireImage)
LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 11: Actor Kristoff St. John (L) and actor Daniel Godbard attend the cake cutting ceremony celebrating 'The Young and the Restless' staying the number one rated daytime drama series for twenty years straight at CBS Studios on December 11, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Michael Buckner/Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD - DECEMBER 06: (L-R) Actor Michael Fairman, actress Michelle Stafford, actor Michael Graziadei, actress Adrienne Frantz, and actor Kristoff St. John pose during 'Christmas Stories XVI' benefiting the Hollywood Police Activities League held at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre on December 6, 2008 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for COS)
Actor Kristoff St. John and daughter pose for their portrait during the 35th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards at the Kodak Theatre on June 20, 2008 in Los Angeles, California.**EXCLUSIVE** ***Exclusive*** (Photo by Marc Bryan-Brown/WireImage)
Actor Kristoff St. John and daughter Lola St. John attend the pressroom at the 35th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards on June 20, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage)
Kristoff St. John, Bill Jones and Bryton McClure, winner Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series for 'The Young and the Restless' (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/WireImage)
LOS ANGELES - SEPTEMBER 18: (L-R) Recording artist Aaron Neville and actors Victoria Rowell and Kristoff St. John speak on the set of 'The Young and The Restless' during the opening of the new jazz club Indigo the at CBS Television City on September 18, 2006 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo Frederick M. Brown/ Getty Images)
Luke Walton and Kristoff St. John during Los Angeles Laker Luke Walton Makes His Daytime Debut on CBS' 'The Young and the Restless' Set to Air August 30, 2006 at CBS in Television City, CA, United States. (Photo by Alexandra Wyman/WireImage)
LOS ANGELES - JULY 26: (L-R) Luke Walton of the Los Angeles Lakers, director Kathy Foster and actor Kristoff St. John pose together during rehearsal as Walton makes his debut on the CBS daytime television drama 'The Young and the Restless' on July 26, 2006 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Chad Buchanan/Getty Images)
Kristoff St. John and family during 25th Anniversary Gala for PETA and Humanitarian Awards - Arrivals at Paramount Pictures in Hollywood, California, United States. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)
Kristoff St. John, wife Alana and daughter during Silver Spoon Hollywood Buffet - Day 2 in Los Angeles, California, United States. (Photo by Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage for Silver Spoon (formerly The Cabana))
Kristoff St. John during Dodgeball: The Celebrity Tournament to Benefit The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation - Inside at Hollywood Palladium in Los Angeles, California, United States. (Photo by M. Caulfield/WireImage)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - OCTOBER 23: Actor Kristoff St. John and girlfriend Allana Nadal attend the Multicultural Motion Picture Association's Eighth Annual Diversity Awards on October 23, 2000 at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Ron Galella, Ltd./WireImage)
NEW YORK CITY - MAY 18: Actor Kristoff St. John and girlfriend Allana Nadal attend the 28th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards on May 18, 2001 at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. (Photo by Ron Galella, Ltd./WireImage)
NEW YORK CITY - MAY 21: Actor Kristoff St. John and girlfriend Allana Nadal attend the 26th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards on May 21, 1999 at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. (Photo by Ron Galella, Ltd./WireImage)
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The police were dispatched to his home on Feb. 4 where they found him on the floor. According to Mia, they attempted to perform CPR but were unable to revive him. Soon afterward, Mia realized that Kristoff had sent her a text.

“…We were texting back and forth. He said, 'Understand, you've got to live in the present observe all the good things in your life and others around you. Julian would not want you to live your life with bitterness and upset, it eats away with you and drains your life slowly but surely. You must rise to the occasion and accept the beauty around you. I believe in you,’” she relayed.

A toxicology report is pending regarding Kristoff’s cause of death but it’s clear to Mia that her ex-husband’s mental state was a primary factor.

“When Julian passed, he died of a broken heart,” she said. “These mental health issues are real. Kristoff suffered from bipolar, our son had schizophrenia and I just felt like it was so hard for people to pay attention.”

Although Mia pushed back against Kristoff’s vision of his son over the phone, she now embraces that idea that he wasn’t alone when he died.

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Stars react to Kristoff St. John's death
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Stars react to Kristoff St. John's death
My good friend and colleague, MY BROTHA, KRISTOFF ST.JOHN , passed away!! No words right now!! https://t.co/um3RVtQYPh
The pain of grief and mental health should be addressed in the same realm as "physical" ailments. No real words exc… https://t.co/U407yZLGCa
No!!! This news has truly broken my heart. Kristoff was pure & so kind. I will never forget how wonderful he was to… https://t.co/RwLsFVwsTA
Stunned and deeply saddened. Speechless. https://t.co/ZssqSHLApp
I cant do this justice; I think I’m still in shock. What are we all going to do without him? Without his talent, gr… https://t.co/GCQc5aRbtC
So unbelievably heartbroken by the passing of my dear friend Kristoff St.John. I loved him so much! He was such a… https://t.co/wBjZYisPoI
Kristoff St. John was such a kind man and a very dear friend to me and so many at Y&R. My late husband Ron and Kris… https://t.co/pQuL93M0vJ
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“That was the only thing. When he told me that Julian came to the door and I knew that my son came and took him home. And that was my only comfort,” she continued.

Following Julian’s death, the former couple founded the El Saber es Poder (Knowledge is Power) Foundation to battle mental illness. As Mia weathers another unspeakable loss, she is clear in her resolve to call attention to those suffering from mental illness and not getting the support they need.

“I have never been so determined to change how we treat the mentally ill in this country,” she said. “I give you my word that my fight is never going to end. And I'm going to make my boys proud."

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