Mel B details attempted suicide in new book: 'I wanted to die'

Melanie “Mel B” Brown is opening up about her 2014 suicide attempt in her new book, Brutally Honest, admitting she “took nearly 200 aspirin pills” in an attempt to escape her marriage to Stephen Belafonte.

The Spice Girl writes in her memoir that the suicide attempt happened on December 11, 2014, while she was in the midst of shooting the live shows for The X Factor in the U.K.

The then-39-year-old had come home from dinner with her husband the night before she was scheduled to appear at the red carpet launch for the final weekend of the singing competition.

“I’ll be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and make-up will be perfect. But if you want the absolute truth, I don’t care about any of it. My life is a mess and I want out,” she wrote in an excerpt published in The Sun.

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AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Live Quarter Finals Results 2' Episode 1314 -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - AUGUST 22: (L-R) Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Simon Cowell and Mel B attend a ceremony honoring Cowell with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on August 22, 2018 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Rich Fury/Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - AUGUST 21: Mel B attends 'America's Got Talent' Season 13 Live Show Red Carpet at Dolby Theatre on August 21, 2018 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - AUGUST 14: Mel B attends 'America's Got Talent' Season 13 Live Show Red Carpet at Dolby Theatre on August 14, 2018 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)
TODAY -- Pictured: Hoda Kotb and Mel B on Wednesday, June 27, 2018 -- (Photo by: Nathan Congleton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - MAY 02: TV host Mel B attends NBCUniversal's Summer Press Day 2018 at The Universal Studios Backlot on May 2, 2018 in Universal City, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Judge's Cuts 1' Episode 1307 -- Pictured: (l-r) Howie Mandel, Mel B, Ken Jeong, Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
INGLEWOOD, CA - MARCH 24: Mel B arrives at the Nickelodeon's 2018 Kids' Choice Awards at The Forum on March 24, 2018 in Inglewood, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
INGLEWOOD, CA - MARCH 24: Heidi Klum (L) and Mel B attend Nickelodeon's 2018 Kids' Choice Awards at The Forum on March 24, 2018 in Inglewood, California. (Photo by Charley Gallay/KCA2018/Getty Images for Nickelodeon)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Auditions' -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Auditions' -- Pictured: (l-r) Howie Mandel, Mel B, Heidi Klum, Simon Cowell -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - SEPTEMBER 20: Ventriloquist-singer Darci Lynne Farmer (L) and Singer-songwriter-TV personality Mel B attend NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Season 12 Finale at the Dolby Theatre on September 20, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Live Finale Results' Episode 1224 -- Pictured: (l-r) Howie Mandell, Mel B, Simon Cowell, Heidi Klum -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - SEPTEMBER 19: Mel B arrives at the NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Season 12 Finale Week at Dolby Theatre on September 19, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Live Results 4' -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - AUGUST 15: Mel B, Melanie Brown arrives at the Premiere Of NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Season 12 at Dolby Theatre on August 15, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - AUGUST 15: Mel B, Melanie Brown arrives at the Premiere Of NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Season 12 at Dolby Theatre on August 15, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Live Show 1' -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Judge Cuts' Episode 1210 -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Vivian Zink/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 06: Singer Mel B and family attend City Year Los Angeles Spring Break on May 6, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for City Year Los Angeles)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- 'Judge Cuts' Episode 1211 -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - APRIL 27: Singer Mel B arrives at NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Judge Cut Rounds at the NBC Universal Lot on April 27, 2017 in Universal City, California. (Photo by Amanda Edwards/WireImage)
PASADENA, CA - MARCH 27: Mel B attends NBC's 'America's Got Talent' season 12 kickoff at Pasadena Civic Auditorium on March 27, 2017 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic)
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - APRIL 27: Singer Mel B arrives at NBC's 'America's Got Talent' Judge Cut Rounds at the NBC Universal Lot on April 27, 2017 in Universal City, California. (Photo by Amanda Edwards/WireImage)
AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- Auditions Pasadena Civic Auditorium -- Pictured: Mel B -- (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
PASADENA, CA - MARCH 27: Mel B attends NBC's 'America's Got Talent' season 12 kickoff at Pasadena Civic Auditorium on March 27, 2017 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic)
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 18: Singer/Model Mel B is seen walking in Soho on January 18, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)
NEW YORK - JANUARY 17: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and guest Mel B during Tuesday's 01/17/16 show in New York. (Photo by Scott Kowalchyk/CBS via Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 18: Singer/Model Mel B is seen walking in Soho on January 18, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 17: Singer and television personality Mel B enters the 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert' taping at Ed Sullivan Theater on January 17, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Ray Tamarra/GC Images)
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 17: Singer and television personality Mel B enters the 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert' taping at Ed Sullivan Theater on January 17, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Ray Tamarra/GC Images)
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Sitting in the en suite bathroom of her rented London house, Mel held an open bottle of aspirin, popping one pill after another.

“As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: ‘Are you sure?’ And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. ‘Are you sure?'” she revealed. “One hundred and 20. ‘Are you sure?’ 150. Are you sure?’”

“Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen,” she continued, claiming that after 10 years of marriage he was threatening to destroy her career and family with a library of sex tapes.

As she swallowed the pills, Mel wrote “frantic, disjointed notes” to her eldest daughter, Phoenix.

When she got to the 200th pill, Mel stopped: “I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere. … Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count. I had to get to a hospital. I had to get those pills out of my stomach before anything happened.”

Pushing against the door, which was jammed, she ended up with bruises on her face and shoulder, which would later be visible when she appeared on The X Factor.

“I can still remember the fear, panic and absolute confusion in my head. Then everything started to go black and I collapsed to my knees. I could feel the life in me starting to drain away,” she wrote.

She woke up at the hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses, with Phoenix asking why she’d done it. “It was the saddest moment of my life,” Mel admitted. “Looking at my daughter — distraught, devastated, angry — was the moment I knew the fightback had to start.”

The America’s Got Talent judge was in intensive care after suffering serious damage to her liver and kidneys but insisted she was going to appear on The X Factor.

She was shown on TV wearing a sleeveless dress, her injuries clearly visible.

“I would stand proud in this stunning white dress, the marks of my agony all over me. I asked for my hair to be pulled right back from my face. I needed to be seen. I needed all those bruises to be seen,” she wrote. “My message to the world and to my husband was going to be VERY CLEAR. I wanted people out there watching to be my witnesses. I took off my vast, square-cut diamond wedding ring. A ring I’d worn on The X Factor a few weeks before to show the world what a solid couple Stephen and I were.”

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After standing on that stage and making her statement, she wrote that she felt like “Wonder Woman.”

“I’ve sent my message to Stephen,” Mel added. “There’s no going back. I’m going to leave him, get a divorce. I’m going to be free.”

She and Belafonte separated in December 2016 and she filed for divorce in March 2017, accusing her husband of 10 years of “emotional and physical abuse.” Their contentious divorce was finalized in December.

If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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