Dancing With the Stars premiere recap: Which season 25 pair won you over?

A Pretty Little Liar, a Property Brother and a pair of Lacheys — who are married(!!!) in case you missed that part — were among the new crop of contestants introduced Monday in Dancing With the Stars‘ 25th season premiere.

I’m not about to get too nitpicky about technique, etc. in the first episode — the scores also speak for themselves — so what you’ll find below are my initial (and occasionally troubling) reactions to the 13 pairs competing this season:

* Terrell Owens and Cheryl Burke: I knew this first dance was going to be a rollercoaster of emotions as soon as the NFL legend started miming. Normally, I’m terrified of mimes. Untrustworthy scoundrels, the whole lot of ’em. But Owens’ miming was smooth, certainly more so than his dance moves. The judges issued him a measly 15/30 for his sparkly-yet-sloppy performance.

* Debbie Gibson and Ellen Burstyn: In the years following her career as a pop star, Gibson has faced a number of terrifying Syfy creatures — including Mega Shark and Giant Octopus — which explains how she managed to keep her cool around that rowdy rascal Bruno Tonioli, who did little to boost her and Burstyn’s overall score of 17/30(And, yes, I know that Gibson’s partner’s name is Alan Bersten. Just let me have this one, OK?)

* Sasha Pieterse and Gleb Savchenko: For someone who starred on Pretty Little Liars, Pieterse was surprisingly honest about her reason for doing Dancing: “It’s a really good way to get in shape for my wedding,” she admitted. The judges weren’t super in love with her first performance (18/30), but does it really matter? The PLL Mafia (aka Pieterse’s massive social media following) will keep her in the competition for the foreseeable future, judges be damned.

* Drew Scott and Emma Slater: I hope the Property Brother wasn’t too discouraged when Len Goodman called him a “fixer-upper” of a dancer. They said the same thing about Kristoff in Frozen, and he’s well on his way to becoming a Disney prince. (Follow-up thought: If he hopes to get higher than a 16/30 next time, Scott could always pull a Sister, Sister with his brother and not tell anyone.)

13 PHOTOS
'Dancing With the Stars' season 25 cast
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'Dancing With the Stars' season 25 cast

Sasha Pieterse

(Photo by D Dipasupil/FilmMagic)

Terrell Owens

(Photo by J. Countess/WireImage)

Barbara Corcoran

(Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for T.J. Maxx)

Vanessa Lachey and Nick Lachey

(Photo by Michael Tullberg/Getty Images)

Debbie Gibson

(Photo by Gabe Ginsberg/FilmMagic)

Drew Scott

(Photo by Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)

Frankie Muniz

(Photo by Adam Bettcher/Getty Images for Starkey Hearing Foundation)

Jordan Fisher

(Photo by Presley Ann/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

Nikki Bella

(Photo by Jim Spellman/Getty Images)

Derek Fisher

(Photo by Gabriel Olsen/WireImage)

Lindsey Sterling

(Photo by Josh Brasted/FilmMagic)

Victoria Arlen

(Photo by Phillip Faraone/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

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* Barbara Corcoran and Keo Motsepe: Her technique may be a fright (hence the 14/30), but the Shark Tank star immediately became my favorite contestant (maybe ever?) when she followed Tonioli’s critique with a totally sincere, “Who is this guy?” I’m also a big fan of way-too-literal performances, so I enjoyed that Corcoran danced in front of a shark tank. Full of golden sharks.

* Jordan Fisher and Lindsay Arnold: The evening experienced a mild surge of talent with the arrival of Fisher and Arnold — this season’s youngest dancers — who snagged a 22/30 with a dance that Tonioli called “slick!” and “smooth!” and… something else. I don’t know, I get nervous and stop listening when Tonioli starts overheating. 

* Nick Lachey and Peta Murgatroyd: The former 98 Degrees frontman (who is married!) lowered the bar back down with an 18/30 (while his wife watched from upstairs!) as the judges criticized him for his “boring” performance. (For real, though, it’s like neither Lachey nor his wife exist outside of their marriage on this show. Do you think they’ll get eliminated on the same week, too?)

* Vanessa Lachey and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Lachey fared a little better than her husband, scoring 21/30 — enough to earn bragging rights around the house, I guess.

* Frankie Muniz and Witney Carson: Malcolm found himself back in the middle tonight with a score of 19/30. For what it’s worth, if this show handed out points for enthusiasm, Muniz would have gotten, like, 100/30.

* Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev: With a score of 20/30, this duo fared decently on the dance floor. But Bella shone more brightly behind the scenes, explaining that it’s difficult to move around in heels because she’s “used to body-slamming girls for a living.” Not many people can say that.

22 PHOTOS
Celebrities you forgot competed on 'Dancing With the Stars'
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Celebrities you forgot competed on 'Dancing With the Stars'

Kim Kardashian (Season 7): 11th place

(Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Tucker Carlson (Season 3): Last place

(Photo by James Sorensen/ABC via Getty Images)

Billy Ray Cyrus (Season 4): 5th place

(Photo by James Sorensen/ABC via Getty Images)

Paula Deen (Season 21): 9th place

(Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Pamela Anderson (Season 10): 6th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

David Hasselhoff (Season 11): Last place

(Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC via Getty Images)

Jerry Springer (Season 3): 5th place

(Photo by James Sorensen/ABC via Getty Images)

Martina Navratilova (Season 14): Last place

(Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC via Getty images)

Joey McIntyre (Season 1): 3rd place

(Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC via Getty Images)

Nancy Grace (Season 13): 5th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Shannen Doherty (Season 10): Last place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Kate Gosselin (Season 10): 8th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Denise Richards (Season 8): 12th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Penn Jillette (Season 6): Last place

(Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC via Getty Images)

Heather Mills (Season 4): 7th place

(Photo by Liam Daniel/ABC via Getty Images)

Wayne Newton (Season 5): 10th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Priscilla Presley (Season 6): 8th place

(Photo by Bob D'Amico/ABC via Getty Images)

Debi Mazar (Season 9): 12th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Bill Nye (Season 17): 11th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

Geraldo Rivera (Season 22): Last place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)'n

Steve Wozniak (Season 8): 10th place

(Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images)

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* Derek Fisher and Sharna Burgess: Honestly, I would have scored this one higher than 18/30. Not since High School Musical‘s “Get’cha Head in the Game” have I seen such exquisite basketball-related choreography.

* Victoria Arlen and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: After bestowing upon her the nickname “Queen Victoria,” the judges handed this living inspiration a 19/30 for her “joyous” first dance.

* Lindsey Stirling and Mark Ballas: This spunky violinist definitely, ahem, struck a chord with the judges, earning a score of 22/30 — tying with Fisher and Arnold for the highest score.

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