‘The Bachelorette’ premiere recap: Rachel takes off her lawyer hat and puts on her ‘love one’

It's only episode one of "The Bachelorette" Season 13, and we've already learned so much about the woman at the center, Rachel Lindsay. 'N Sync or Backstreet Boys? 'N Sync. Michael Jackson or Prince? Michael. Does she love chocolate? She doesn't. Does she love a good corny joke? She does. Has she ever dated a Colombian guy before? "Not Colombian!" But she does give one a first impression rose. More on that later. But first ... let's meet some of the 31 men in the running for Rachel's heart.

Some of the men get special intro packages where they get to act out a version of their real life — it's mostly just a lot of fake legal banter — while others only get to meet America via their limo introduction. First, the former. Let's meet (some of) Rachel's men.

There's Kenny, a professional wrestler who loves his 10-year-old daughter Mackenzie sooo much that he's ... leaving her for potentially months to go on a TV show! Don't worry, they "had a long talk"! Then there's Jack, a lawyer from Dallas — just like Rachel! Isn't narcissism so sweet? Alex loves lifting weights, but — hold your breath — he's also ... a nerd! If you can even believe those two things can coexist. Mohit's greatest accomplishment is "launching my startup." Run! Blake E. doesn't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis, but ... have you heard? Women love his penis! Diggy is a nickname! Ohhhhh! And Josiah? His brother hung himself in their backyard when Josiah was seven. Then he was arrested at twelve, but went on to become a prosecuting attorney at the same establishment where he was prosecuted. If that just got too real, that's exactly how smooth the transition was on TV.

See all of Rachel Lindsay's suitors for this season:

And then ... *loooong sigh* ... there's Lucas. Lucas' profession is listen as "Whaboom." Lucas is starved for attention. And I wish that could be all I write about Lucas in this recap.

One by one each man exited the limo and introduced himself to Rachel to varying degrees of ridiculousness. Peter kept it cool in a plaid jacket. They both have gap teeth, which is something.

One man worth singling out is Bryan, who is the Columbian referenced all the way back in paragraph one. He spoke Spanish to Rachel, which she seemed to enjoy. Later, he became her first kiss on the show. Rachel returned the favor by granting him the first impression rose — a high honor, and one that was given to her by Nick Viall when she appeared on "The Bachelor."

Otherwise, there were few stand-outs. When the time came for Rachel to hand out her first bouquet of roses, of course, Lucas makes the cut. The internet instantly erupted with comments such as "What producer made her keep him?" Maybe Rachel just found "Whaboom" charming? ... Nahhhh, that can't be it.

Anyway, here's who was beat out by a penguin and a "Whaboom": Grant, Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Mohit, Jedidiah, and Milton.

See photos of Rachel Lindsay: