Cameron Crowe's "Aloha" is expected to get very few greetings from ticket buyers at the box office, and the already disappointing numbers Sony is expecting may dwindle due to terrible reviews from critics.
TheWrap's Alonso Duralde was among those chiming in with negative thoughts, and cited "Aloha" as another disappointment from the "Almost Famous" filmmaker who went on to whiff most recently with "We Bought a Zoo" and "Elizabethtown."
"'Aloha' doesn't reverse that trend, offering a script so contrived and artificial that not even the combined sparkle of Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and the state of Hawaii itself can save it," Duralde wrote in his review. "There are virtually no moments in 'Aloha' where characters interact in a believable way or that the plot doesn't come off like a series of contrivances. The deepest understanding we get of any of these characters is that none of them would say the things that Crowe makes come out of their mouths."
If you think that's harsh, wait until you read the dialogue other critics are creating to describe "Aloha." Here are 9 more of the worst critical jabs fished out of a sea of bad reviews.
Detroit News critic Tom Long:
"Where to begin with 'Aloha'? Begin by not going to the movie. But wait — Bradley Cooper's in this movie. And Emma Stone. And Bill Murray! How bad can it be if it's got Bill Murray? Pretty bad. Apparently Bill Murray is not the cure for everything. Especially not this script."
Associated Press critic Lindsey Bahr:
"In execution, 'Aloha' is a meandering, needlessly confusing cacophony of story, performance, and spiritual blather. Not only does it feel inauthentic, it's often downright alien."
ReelViews critic James Berardinelli:
"Scarred as a result of (negative) leaked material from the Sony hacking scandal, the film was in trouble before its release. Watching it, it's not hard to understand the studio heads' concerns. 'Aloha' is Crowe's worst film-to-date, eclipsing 'Elizabethtown' for that distinction and raising questions about whether the director has lost his touch."
Deadspin critic Tim Grierson:
"'Aloha' gets worse and worse, as character motivations go by the wayside and unearned emotional moments get thrown at the audience willy-nilly. This film is far more thoughtful and engaging than a comparably witless action movie, but because Crowe movies are dependent on coherent storytelling and satisfying characters, its failure is all the more egregious. You can't hide behind explosions and spectacle here. (That said, we do get a third-act, effects-heavy showdown of sorts that makes zero sense and may be one of the dumbest finales I've seen in a while.)"
New York Post critic Sara Stewart:
"In the middle of Cameron Crowe's 'Aloha,' a character is revealed to have had an extra big toe accidentally stitched onto his own after a combat accident. This illogical surgical snafu is emblematic of the film itself, a jumble of too many plots involving characters who almost never talk or act like real people. There are grand, romantic speeches that will endure forever from Crowe's earlier work — 'Jerry Maguire,' 'Say Anything . . .' — but you can't build an entire movie on them. Nobody wants two hours of 'You had me at hello.'"
Entertainment Weekly critic Chris Nashawaty:
"Ultimately, Crowe's exotic love story boils down to this question: Can Stone teach Cooper to love again and save his soul before it's too late? Go ahead, take a wild guess. Better yet, don't. She can and she does. I just saved you ten bucks. It's said that in Hawaii, the word 'Aloha' is a greeting that translates to both "Hello" and "Goodbye." In this case, Aloha also means 'Stay Away.'"
Arizona Republic critic Bill Goodykoontz"
"It's a big soap opera set against blastoffs, none of which is convincing. It's not the actors' faults. We know what all of them can do. But Stone's character, particularly at first, is such a cliche it almost seems as if she's playing a parody. (She's not.) Cooper is given lines like these as a storm approaches and his Gilcrest turns to Ng: 'I go hard. And I go deep. And sometimes I break things.' He can't sell it. No one could sell it. It's just bad."
ScreenCrush critic Matt Singer:
"'Aloha' may not be the worst movie Cameron Crowe's made, but it's easily the most baffling, both in the sense that it's hard to believe a filmmaker this talented produced something this unsatisfying, and in the sense that a lot of it is just flat-out incomprehensible.
Cinema Blend critic Sean O'Connell:
"I wonder if 'Aloha' could also be translated as 'soul-crushing disappointment,' because that would help explain why Cameron Crowe chose it as the title of his latest misfire. 'Aloha' marks the end of an era. This officially is the last time I will enter into a new Cameron Crowe movie with any hope of experiencing the quirky, insightful observations he once made about our everyday relationships. It isn't on screen in Aloha, and it hasn't been on screen since 'Almost Famous' back in 2000."