HACKED: Chip Kelly's voicemail
By DJ GALLO
Philadelphia Eagles genius/moron* Chip Kelly pulled the trade of the offseason on Tuesday when he shipped LeSean McCoy to the Bills for linebacker Kiko Alonso. (*Check your Twitter timeline for his latest characterization.)
Of course, now that the Eagles are flush with cap space and have shown they're willing to make moves, other NFL teams will be lining up to make deals with Philadelphia, too. So it's no surprise that Kelly had a lot of voicemails to wade through upon returning to his office on Wednesday morning.
Tuesday, March 3rd, 6:48 p.m.
"Hi, Chip. Bill Belichick here. I saw you traded your running back to the Bills. If you're interested in a new running back, I'm open to dealing you LeGarrette Blount. He went to Oregon, as I'm sure you know. What do you think about your 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 7th Round picks for him? Call me."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 6:51 p.m.
"Chip. It's Rex Ryan. Just wanted thank you again for LeSean McCoy. I think the trade is official now, so are you aware that Kiko Alonso missed all of last season with a torn ACL? Haha. Pretty great. Anyway, thanks again. Oh, and my dad is the greatest Eagles coach ever."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 6:52 p.m.
"Hi, Chip. Andy Reid here. I was really surprised to see you traded LeSean McCoy. He was a great player for me. It looks like with the Mariota rumors, you've got a long-term plan going there in Philadelphia. If I can give you some advice, Eagles fans aren't big on long-term plans. I had one during the final two minutes of Super Bowl XXXIX and they never forgave me."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 7:03 p.m.
"Chip. Bill Belichick again. To be clear, my offer for Blount is your 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 7th Rounders in this year's draft and next year's. Let me know."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 7:15 p.m.
"Hello. This is Tom Telesco, general manager of the San Diego Chargers. I wanted to let you know that we have Kellen Clemens. He's kind of terrible, but he went to Oregon. He might have been there before you were, but whatever ... Oregon. What do you think about him in exchange for Connor Barwin or a 1st Round pick?"
Tuesday, March 3rd, 7:46 p.m.
"Chip. Bill Belichick again. Don't mean to be filling up your voicemail. But I just wanted to say that I love the fact that you dumped a fan favorite out of nowhere. Doing that kind of stuff gets me out of bed in the morning. Well, that, and winning championships, but I guess you wouldn't know anything about that. Anyway, love the move. Call me back about trading me all of your draft picks."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 8:03 p.m.
"Chip Kelly. Hi, it's Jimmy Haslam of the Browns. Glad to see someone else is making personnel moves on the whims of homeless people. Or at least I assume that's what you did. Has all the earmarks of a classic homeless man personnel decision. I can't wait to see which one of our franchises wins a Super Bowl first. What a rivalry!"
Tuesday, March 3rd, 8:19 p.m.
"Chip! It's Sam Hinkie. Are you trying to make the Eagles terrible or what? I love it, man! The Sixers and Eagles are going to bring two championship parades to Philadelphia around 2023 or so. Can't wait. Actually, I can. Figure of speech. You know what I mean. Anyway, I love how you're blowing up the team."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 9:03 p.m.
"Coach Kelly. Hi. It's Steve Myers. I don't know if you remember me, but I was a fourth-string quarterback for you at New Hampshire in 2002. I see that you're all about stockpiling Oregon players. But have you ever considered loading up on your old New Hampshire players, too? I think I'm in pretty good shape for a 35 year-old guy - I do CrossFit, you know? - and I'd love a tryout. I still remember your offense. It's Steve Myers again. From 2002. At New Hampshire. Steve Myers. Okay, hope to hear from you."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 9:15 p.m.
"Hey, Chip. It's Mark Helfrich. Hey, everyone we've been recruiting is asking me if they're guaranteed to one day play in the NFL for the Eagles if they go to Oregon. Just wanted to make sure I can still tell them 'yes.' I'll assume that's the case if I don't hear back from you. Hope you're well."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 9:58 p.m.
"Coach. Hi. It's Marcus Mariota. Hey, I was just wondering: if you trade tons of picks and players and assets and everything to trade up to get me, won't not having a lot of talent or depth around me greatly reduce my chances of succeeding in the NFL? I don't want to be a bust. I'm sure you've thought this through and everything because you're so many steps ahead of everyone else in football intellectually. I feel stupid even bringing it up, but ... okay, yeah. Just wanted to mention it. Looking forward to being an Eagle. I think."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 10:09 p.m.
"Chip. Bill Belichick again. This is awesome. I just found out another guy on my team, Patrick Chung, also went to Oregon. I'll tell him and LaGarrette they're going to Philly in the morning. Get back to me with which decade of drafts you're sending me in return."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 10:21 p.m.
"Chip! Chippy! Chipper! Rex Ryan again! What a day. Celebratin' a bit and I got me a LeSean McCoy tattoo on my right azzz chick. Because this trade feels so right and you're an ASS. Get it? [hiccups] ROB! SHUT UP! I'M ONNA PHONE! YEAH, ORDER ME ANOTHER PITCHER, DUMBAZZ! Chipper, my man. Sorry. My brother [drops phone] YOU SUCK! Hahahahaha. Go Jets! Imean Bills! Go BILLS! Woooo!"
Tuesday, March 3rd, 10:24 p.m.
"Chip. Hi. It's Ruben Amaro, Jr. I just heard about the trade you made today. Very interesting. If I have the details correct, you traded someone making more than $10 million a season for a younger player making much less? If you have some free time between now and the beginning of April, I'd love to talk to you about how you pulled that off. Every time I try to make a trade like that, teams just laugh at me and hang up. Hope to talk to you soon. I could really use this advice."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 10:49 p.m.
"Hi, coach. Nick Foles. Calling again. First time today, though, I think. I'm not sure if you're getting my voicemails because I haven't heard from you in a while. But I wanted to mention that my family once went on vacation to Oregon when I was a kid. I thought you might think that was cool. I can get my mom to dig up the pictures if you want. So, yeah ... if you want Oregon ties, I've got them. I think I have an aunt who lived there for a few years in the '80s, too."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 11:02 p.m.
"Chipster! It's your main man, Riley Cooper. Love the trade. It makes our team much less bla- .... nd. Much less bland. Yeah. Bland. Whew! That was close. Oh, one other thing: I'm probably going to miss some of the optional workouts this spring because I'm being a roadie with Kenny Chesney. It's going to be awesome, man. Everywhere you look, there's whit- ... tling. Yeah, whittling. Not white people. I wasn't saying that. I was saying whittling. Lots of whittling. Okay, I should go. White pow- ... der. There's white powder on the phone and ... I need to hang up. Bye."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 11:06 p.m.
"Yo, it's me, Shady. Of all the places to trade me ... Buffalo? You're so desperate for people to call you a genius, you trade me to one of the only teams it's impossible to have success with. Of course they'll end up saying you won the trade. I'll be consumed by failure by the end of September. Coward."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 11:09 p.m.
"Chip Kelly! Steve Spurrier here. Woo boy, son. Not a big fan of history, are you? At least I tried to recreate a team that had won a national championship in college. You're trying to see if a Pac-12 champion can win in the NFL? That's the saddest damn thing I've ever heard and I work in the same state as Clemson. Abort now, son, or you'll be back in college with me quick. Oh, and you look stupid in a visor, pudgester. You have to be handsome like me to pull off a visor."
Tuesday, March 3rd, 11:14 p.m.
"Chip. Hi. It's Jason Licht, GM of the Buccaneers. I know everyone is saying we're going to draft Jameis Winston and that we've already had him at our facility and have welcomed him into the organization as family, but that's, uh ... that's not true at all. We really love Marcus Mariota. Yeah. We love him so ... so ... so ... so much. So much. So what that he's only used to the spread and would need a few years just to catch up to players in his same class who ran pro-style offenses, right? We think he's, like, the greatest football player ever. I'm sorry, did I say the greatest football player ever? I meant, the greatest athlete ever. EVER. Of course, for the right price, I guess maybe we could consider trading the No. 1 overall pick to you. But the price will be steep. You know, on account of how much we want to pick Marcus Mariota, who you want, and not at all Jameis Winston, who we don't want despite everything suggesting that. Call me."
Wednesday, March 4th, 1:22 a.m.
"[ruffling noise] No! Back up so I can get my pants down. YOU CAN'T SENNUH PICTURE OF YER ASS TATTOO ON A VOICEMAIL, ideeeuht! [glass breaking] SHADDUP, ROB! You RUINED it! [3 minutes of two men drunkenly singing Journey]"
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