NFL hangover: Super Bowl Bye Week edition
Super Bowl XLIX Media Day is set for Tuesday and, as every year, there is pressure to pretend that it is something important that is worthy of everyone's time.
It is not.
Seahawks-Patriots Media Day will be historically pointless. The head coach of one team and the best offensive player on the other will openly despise the media, and do their best to provide the worst answers possible, while the same media-hating coach and his star quarterback have both vowed to not speak another word on the biggest story/scandal of the entire event.
The only people who will talk are Richard Sherman, Doug Baldwin, Pete Carroll and Deion Sanders, and there's not a person outside of the Pacific Northwest who wants to hear any more from the first three or anyone outside of Deion's body who wants to hear more from the latter.
This is the age of Twitter. Of the NFL Network. Of four weekly pregame shows. Of athletes communicating directly with fans (via The Cauldron!). The entire concept of a Super Bowl "media day" is outdated. We know everything we need to know about the athletes in the Super Bowl thanks to modern media.
In fact, we know far more than we need to know.
So let's scrap the entire concept of Media Day. Or turn it on its head and let the players ask the media members the questions. How much do we really know about the football media, after all? It's time they face questions like:
"Take us through your last column. Where did it go wrong?"
"You made a prediction before the last game that turned out to be wrong. Will you keep your mouth shut from now on?"
"You have never won a Pulitzer. Are you worried about your legacy?"
"A review of your work suggests you have frequently pulled information from Wikipedia. Does this cheating tarnish your body of work?"
"You're not equally strong at TV, radio, columns and book publishing. Do you need to work harder to address the holes in your game?"
"You're wearing a cotton polo with what appears to be an old ketchup stain on it. Is that how a newsroom leader dresses?"
"Isn't giving your opinion on sports for a living a very me-first, egotistical thing to do? Are you setting a bad example for all the kids out there?"
Quote of the Week
"We found that once the footballs were on the field over an extended period of time, in other words they were adjusted to the climatic conditions and also the fact that the footballs which an equilibrium without the rubbing process after that had run its course and the footballs reached an equilibrium, that they were down approximately 1.5 pounds per square inch. When we brought the footballs back in after that process and retested them in a controlled environment as we have here, then those measurements rose approximately 0.5 PSI. So the net of 1.5 [PSI] back down 0.5 [PSI] is approximately 1 PSI." - Bill Belichick, explaining the experiment the Patriots conducted last week.
Well, that's that, everyone. Some football coaches did a science experiment that vindicated their team. Don't forget that most football coaches start out as gym teachers and gym teachers eat in the break room with science teachers. So they know stuff.
#Deflategate is officially over. OVER!
Stat of the Week
The Eagles had the second-most players in Sunday's Pro Bowl with eight, even though Philadelphia did not, you know, qualify for the playoffs. That's a lot of talent with little results, so it's no wonder that when the team decided it had to shake things up a few weeks ago, they gave more power to their player personnel guy and fired their ineffective head coach.
Whaaaaaaaaat? Really? I have it backwards?
Well, I, for one, will not question an organization with a track record like the Eagles.
Media Day Questions Someone Should Ask
Tom Brady: "Will your hurt feelings be listed on the injury report?"
Richard Sherman: "You said this week that you don't think the Patriots will get punished due to Roger Goodell's friendship with Robert Kraft. Do you think the league should pay more attention to the Patriots, and could they pay better attention with the use of Adderall?"
Marshawn Lynch: "If I ask a great question, is it okay if I cap it by grabbing my crotch?"
Tom Brady: "Are your balls deflated?" [Imagine this question asked by someone wearing a wacky costume who was sent to Media Day by a late-night comedy show. Yeah. Now it's funny, isn't it? LOL.]
Reader Twitter Question of the Week
Roger Goodell's "State of the NFL" address is set for Friday and it will no doubt be a lie-filled performance for the ages (because anything honest about the 2014–15 season would require Goodell to give the speech while stepping off of a very tall building).
Anyway, as for your questions ...
The two people behind Goodell would be one of his PR people - for lying support - and Janay Rice, so he could blame things on her.
Your second question is completely ridiculous because no one would be harmed in a "State of the NFL" attack due to the protection provided by the NFL Shield.
10 Things I Think I Think I Took a Week Off to Think I Think
1. The Patriots left Boston early for Arizona to beat a snowstorm bearing down on New England. Cheap. Flying out early is nothing but a shortcut to beat a snowstorm. I say we asterisk this Patriots victory over the weather.
2. Or the Patriots would like us to believe they left early to beat the snow. "No, officer. I'm not fleeing the scene of this crime. Not at all. There's just a snowstorm coming and I want to beat it. I'll totally cooperate with the investigation when I get back. Really!" And then they're in Arizona, jump the border to Mexico and are gone forever. The Patriots think we're so stupid.
3. The NFL has repeatedly fined Marshawn Lynch for grabbing his crotch, but until yesterday was selling a photo collage that included a picture of Lynch grabbing his crotch. Something that "results in a fine may not be used commercially," said NFL PR flack Brian McCarthy.
That's a big, old lie. Here's the NFL selling a signed Roger Goodell footballfor $99.95 and everything he does results in fines.
4. Goodell is prepared to fine Marshawn Lynch again if he grabs his crotch at the Super Bowl. I trust he will be on-stage during the halftime show writing up fines for Ms. Katy Perry.
Boy, when you're with me
I'll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate
(Pssst. Rog! She doesn't mean she's a good baker. She's talking about her, you know ... lady Lynch parts.)
5. Drake is hosting a Super Bowl party in Arizona, meaning Johnny Manziel will be at the Super Bowl ... just as Browns fans dreamed last summer. Dreams come true! Hooray for Cleveland! Hopefully John can sober up in time for Drake's inevitable post-game party, honoring his favorite NFL team, the [winner of the Super Bowl].
6. The biggest piece of pre-Super Bowl trash talk so far is NOT Seahawks defensive back Jeremy Lane saying of Rob Gronkowski: "I don't actually think he's that good." That's trash talk, no doubt, but did you guys see what the Seattle depth chart said about Lane? It has him as second-string. Daaaaaaaaamn. That's cold, depth chart. You cut deep, all the way down to scrub level.
7. Whoops. No. I was wrong. Here's the biggest piece of trash talk:
"We have the best fans in America, and we're gonna go represent you guys in Arizona!" - Tom Brady pic.twitter.com/9FKYq7GeFO- New England Patriots (@Patriots) January 26, 2015
Infamous liar Tom Brady calling his own fans "the best in America"? Ouch. These people have stood by him. They don't deserve to be called the worst. What a jerk.
8. Never question that God and His lady friend Mother Nature are good and merciful. The current snowmaggedon hitting New York City could have hit one year ago during the Super Bowl, covering us in an avalanche of hot takes about why the Super Bowl shouldn't have been played there. And then the heat from the hot takes would have rapidly melted the snow, drowning everyone in a deluge of water. So be grateful that you're still alive, even if it's only to see #Deflategate.
9. ESPN analyst Mark Brunell was brought to tears by Tom Brady's press conference about deflating footballs. I don't have a joke or any additional commentary on this. I just feel that fact should be written down and recorded as many places as possible so future human/alien invader historians can fully grasp what it was like to live in a society as hopelessly adrift as the United States in A.D. 2015. Please know that we weren't all this pathetic, beings of the future. Most, yes. But not all.
10. Now that we're a few days from #Deflategate blowing up, it's time to move on. The Patriots infrequency of fumbling falls far outside all statistical models, they miraculously throw the ball better in cold weather, and all of their players fumble more often when playing for other teams. There's no possible explanation for these things, friends. Stop harping about a week-old story (which could explains years of statistical abnormalities but totally do not because the story is over now). OVER.
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