Boston's (un)official 2024 Olympic bid: #GTFOH

Boston Will Be U.S. Bid City For 2024 Olympics
Boston Will Be U.S. Bid City For 2024 Olympics

The Cauldron

Boston has been selected as the U.S. Olympic Committee's selection as the American bid city for the 2024 Olympics. Congratulations? Huzzah

Not so much. Unfortunately, a city-wide celebration over the news has been dimmed a bit by the fact that, according to polls, more than 40 percent of the city's residents don't want the 2024 Games - a number that likely would only rise once years of construction and roadwork to prepare for the massive event got under way. Granted, there are many good reasons Boston residents should want to host the Olympics, but the fact remains: 43 percent DON'T want Pierre de Coubertin's spectacle in their fair city.

Not a numbers person? No problem. Here's how that opposition looks visually. Behold the Twitter responses Boston mayor Marty Walsh received after announcing his city won the nomination:

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Yikes. Someone busted out "asswipe." That's serious.

A Marty hasn't been this unpopular since Marty McFly lived in a Biff Tannen-dominated dystopia of the future. (Note: "Back to the Future" references are super-topical now because it's 2015. Get with it or make like a tree and leave.)

So what are Boston 2024 opponents to do? Well, while the USOC bid has won, there is still time to lose the IOC competition. Rome's bid will be tough to beat. Germany, France and Hungary are expected to nominate cities. But the risk remains that Boston could win the whole thing. The opposition's best chance may be to submit their own Boston 2024 bid to the IOC, one that makes the case that maybe Boston shouldn't be awarded the Games.

An anti-Boston bid that might look something like this:

Boston's IOC bid for the 2024 Olympic Games by B.O.S.T.O.N. 2024

(Bostonians Opposed Stridently To Olympics Now)

Executive Summary

The following information is presented for consideration of Boston, Massachusetts, as the host of the 2024 Olympic Games. There is no bribe money included in the accompanying envelope, so that should be enough for you to throw this out and cross Boston off the list straight away. But, if not, please read on.


The most beloved athletic facility in Boston, and all of New England, is Fenway Park. The stadium was built in 1912, has cramped seating and many smells, most of which are bad. There is almost no parking. Fenway was built on a plot of land so small that the field dimensions had to be cut off by a giant wall. But we built it anyway, athletic standards be damned! Oh, and the stadium is infested with rats.

Again, Fenway is the most beloved athletic facility in our entire region, meaning that's the standard we'll have in our Olympic venues: decrepit, cramped and full of vermin. Sadly, we may not always clear that bar.

We should also probably mention that Fenway Park is designed for baseball, which isn't even an Olympic sport anymore. Too bad for us!

We do, however, have a larger stadium in the area. But not in Boston. Gillette Stadium seats more than 68,000 and is located in the middle of nowhere (AKA near Rhode Island). It's really hard to get there. But, hey, feel free to use the place. No doubt international visitors would be jazzed to get to see Rhode Island!


As Beijing was to smog, Boston is to cars. We choke on traffic here. The roads in our downtown were designed centuries ago and just randomly turn and reverse flow on themselves. Of course, we could tell you that we'll fix all that in time for 2024 with some sort of huge traffic project, but based on our history ... well, we don't want to lie to you good folks at the IOC. We wouldn't finish a traffic project in nine years. And even if we did, it would run billions over budget. Since the Olympics would cost the region billions as it is, that's probably not another expense we should take on, huh? So, yeah, you'd just have to use our existing infrastructure.

You may want to leave now to make it to the stadium in time for the Opening Ceremonies.

Fan support

Boston is a great sports town. Unfortunately, we can't deny that.

However, please don't think that being a great sports town means we would be a great Olympics town. We're about as provincial as you can get. Assuming the vast majority of the athletes who will compete in the 2024 Olympics are not from Boston, we will hate them. We think Boston athletes* are the best at everything.

Usain Bolt? Not from Boston. He sucks. Michael Phelps? He's from Baltimore, home of the Ravens and Orioles. Michael Phelps sucks.

And while we are a great sports town, we are a great pro sports town. Amateur sports? Eh. Unfortunately, pretty much your whole endeavor is for amateur athletes.

Check out the crowd at a recent Boston College basketball game:

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Boston College is the best college (amateur) athletics program we have in this city. And that's the kind of crowds they get. Imagine how many people we'll put in the seats for fencing or rhythmic gymnastics.

You know what? Maybe traffic won't be an issue because no one will go to any Olympic events. Forget what we said about our transportation issues previously. We're golden!

Speaking of "golden," your entire system of Gold, Silver and Bronze is a bit suspect. So a guy runs the fastest and gets Gold? That's all he has to do? Run fast? What about his heart? What about his grit? His intangibles? That's what we value in Boston. We'll take someone who runs a 12.5 100m -- but does it with DETERMINATION -- over some "look-at-me" 9.5 guy any day.

Look at this guy:

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He's the slowest person in the world, BUT ... the greatest athlete and champion EVER (short of maybe this amazing specimen). Explain that with your running and strength competitions.

(*Some Irish athletes might get support, too, but let's be honest: "Irish athletes" is kind of an oxymoron.)

Olympic village

The Olympic Village serves as the hub of athlete activity during the Games. It is where the athletes live, train and work. Boston has several universities in and around the city with dormitories, dining halls and facilities that could easily be transformed into an Olympic Village during the Games. That's true.

But remember that Olympic athletes are extremely sexually active during the Games. Can the world risk Olympic athletes making it with Harvard and MIT students? Their spawn would be both super-athletic and highly intelligent with Olympic and Ivy League pedigrees. No one wants to live in a world with children that smug. Putting the Olympics in Boston would result in countless insufferable kids. All the kids we'd have to hate would be on you, IOC. Why must you make us hate children? WHY?


So, how 'bout that Rome? What a place!

Related links:
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