As #houseporn fiends and real estate junkies, there's nothing we love more than poring through fabulous home listings -- except maybe sorting through the tragically un-fabulous ones. They'll definitely make you laugh, and some of them could make you cry. Every week, AOL Real Estate brings you the sorriest listings we could find on the Internet to show you what you should never do when posting your home online. We very appropriately call it #listingfail.
This Week's Theme: They Said What?!
Attention, "sexy" white, Latin or Asian ladies: Want to live in a home rent-free? Then this Los Angeles rental listing may be perfect for you (NOT). In case you can't read the fine print, this Craigslist (of course) ad reads, verbatim:
"Hello young handsome guy interested in being here for a very attractive women white latin or asian must be fit in shape open minded love to travel.shop enjoy lofe if this is you text 3233956692"
Of course, "young handsome guy" is probably hoping you'll be too dazzled by the artful fan of Benjamins he's laid out on his carpet to even care about asking further questions (such as, do you get your own bedroom, and, if not, what is the money for???). But whatever. If you're "open minded," this could be the perfect bordello -- er, home -- for you.
We can see from the listing that it has a pool, at least.
If the previous living arrangement was a little too, er, liberal for your tastes, then this one might be cause for you to celibate. Sorry, we meant celebrate.
Potential renters of this (now expired) ad for a two-bedroom, two-bathroom Wheaton, Md., apartment must be "chaste females" who don't "entertain overnight guests of a romantic nature." Still don't catch the drift? Let the listing break it down for you: It's a "booty-free zone!" (Yay...?).
Don't worry though -- life won't be completely loveless because you'll have the company of a resident rabbit named Winter (pictured). This "adorable bunny-friend" is apparently very shy, but likes to have his cage in common areas where he can see you. And watch your every move.
Strange requests and furry roommates aside, here's the lesson you can glean from this #listingfail: It's virginally -- or virtually -- impossible to rent out an apartment if there are no pictures of the place in the listing! Rule of thumb: potential tenants or roommates (chaste or otherwise) will be more inclined to live in a place if they can see what it, you know, actually looks like.
We don't even know where to start with this Washington, D.C., housemate listing -- it's so bad that it's good -- so we'll just let it speak for itself. The Craigslist listing, titled "50 shades of CRAY/2 bed/2bath holleration in moderation," begins with:
"hey. so 50 shades of cray has nothing to do with my ad. i just wrote it to get your attention."
But don't feel duped! The house itself is "awesome beautiful" -- so much so, in fact, that the owner adds, "ID bang it if i could." (Talk about #houseporn!)
A few tips, though: As hilarious as it may be to joke that you'd make sweet, sweet love to your own house, it's probably not the best way to attract future housemates. Sane ones, anyway. Nonetheless, this right here is #listingfail gold.
For more hilarious, "They Said What?!" #listingfails, see the gallery below.
Listingfails That'll Have You Thinking: 'They Said What?!'
They Said What?! (Listing Fails)
Those Californians, they're so open minded. So open minded, in fact, that a San Francisco homeowner is offering to share one half of his queen-size bed (pictured above) for $450 a month! If you look closely at the picture above, you can see, quite clearly, the partitioning of the bed with a pillow. See the next slide for a detailed shot of "your side."
This rental listing, seeking a nudist housemate, should come with a drinking game -- a shot for every time the word "nude" and any of its variations are used. The text reads:
"Professional, 52-years-young, masculine, black gay, male nudist, seeking other nudists to share a comfortable living situation. I enjoy music, nude beaches, nudism with others, skiing, working out, reading, socializing, sports.
Seeking a 2nd clean, responsible, mature, reliable, non-smoking nudist roommate - ages 18 yrs and older...
What is there to be ashamed of? Being nude is great, but it can be rather confining living with a non-nudist and always having to cover up and be made to feel WRONG with being nude. I enjoy the natural liberation and freedom with being nude in the company of others. Many of us are already nudist..."
This listing is amazing -- until it becomes disturbing. In case you can't read the fine print, it reads:
"Hello Ladies I Have FREE space available Right Now!!!!!! Yes You heard Correct Free Room Space for that special Lady in need. Free Wifi Cable and Food just tell me your situation send me a few pics."
Nice, right? A rescuer of damsels in distress. And then there's the kicker:
"Looking for True Hustlers and Go-getters that are not Afraid!!! you will make Lots Of Money 100 % Guranteed"
Hustlers and go-getters? Don't be afraid? Lots of money, guaranteed? Hmm. We may be jumping to conclusions here, but we believe this might be setting unsuspecting lady tenants up for a "Hustle and Flow" type situation, if you get what we mean.