Not to minimize the human tragedy here, but what's a guy or gal to do? This particular writer never quite completed the necessary steps to earn his "Zombie Apocalypse" merit badge, nor has he any crossbow-wielding, animal-skinning, shelter-building survival qualities to get him out of a pinch, let alone the jaws of the zombie formerly known as grandma for that matter. However, what I can offer is my expertise in real estate -- prime, zombie-defense real estate capable of putting those with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh at a distance from you and your family.
Let's begin, shall we?
16 Fortresses for Fending Off the Zombie Apocalypse
The Skinny: Concrete façade and a rooftop deck for headshot contests. Just under 4 acres and over 12,500 square feet provides enough room to take in a roaming survivor or two, you know, to help fight off forces, grow crops, repopulate the Earth, etc. Pick and choose wisely, folks.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: 200-foot wood-and-steel escape bridge that leads from the main home to a private boathouse on the lake.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: There’s bound to be a scroll detailing schematics for a defense rune, or perhaps a hex that summons giant spiders lying around somewhere. Oh yeah, and there’s also that the pet basilisk chilling in the Chamber of Secrets.
The Skinny: An 8-acre island paradise/compound called Man-o-War Cay. If that doesn’t scream zombie defense, I don’t know what does. Other highlights include a 6,000-gallon-a-day reverse osmosis water-maker and a pair of boat docks.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Property includes not only a dock, but also a helicopter pad for making your escape, which might come in handy if the zombies pull a "Dawn of the Dead" reboot and figure out how to make a ship out of corpses.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Only a shallow dock compared to a deep-water dock means that it would be more difficult for uninfected pirates and vagabonds storming your land and pillaging your goods. Also, possible working Revolutionary War-era cannon for next level defense.
The Skinny: An insanely symmetrical, moat-surrounded masterpiece by architect Charles Sieger. While it lacks a working drawbridge, simply destroying the only path that leads into the compound would be a logical first step.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: The rapper Birdman filmed a music video here, so there’s likely to be an automatic weapon or two that got left behind.
The Skinny: This crazy compound is the (paranoid?) masterpiece of one AI V. Corbi, the founder of a company called SAFE (Strategically Armored & Fortified Environments) that specializes in stuff like mounting lasers on sharks, building missile-proof yachts, lining Escalades with tank armor, constructing panic rooms, etc. It’s also set on a private hilltop behind a pair of gates, and has a helipad.
The Skinny: A heavy mix of wrought iron fencing and concrete form the outer shell of this three-floor compound.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Beyond its formidable exterior, this little Italian villa has its own lift that extends to the roof. Plus, it’s in Italy, and if I’m going to have the flesh peeled from my bod by the jaws of zombies, that’d be the place I would like it to happen.
The Skinny: For a home that can withstand a zombie apocalypse, not to mention a nuclear apocalypse and other various apocalypses, $750,000 is a freakin’ bargain. Anyway, it’s a former nuclear silo-turned-luxury home. How cool is that?
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Paved airstrip gets a nod, but the real bread and butter is the former launch control center that sits behind doors made of three-inch concrete and mesh, 125-feet below the earth. Oh, and there’s a Jacuzzi down there, too.
Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: If you manage to get this thing running, you might be able to contact an extraterrestrial life force to do one of two things: 1) kill the zombies or 2) repopulate the earth with half-human, half-alien beings.