If You Can Answer Most Of These Questions, Your Relationship's On Solid Ground
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Ready for a pop (couples) quiz? Experts say there's some personal stuff you should know about your partner, which is why WH put together a few—okay, a ton of—questions to gauge how much you still have to learn about each other.
Asking your partner the tough questions is an opportunity to be vulnerable, which is when you both can be your authentic selves, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sexologist in Honolulu. Consider this couples quiz an invitation to do just that.
It’s easy to think you already know everything about your partner, but that’s pretty unlikely, says Ramani Durvasula, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?. "We only know what is shared with us and what we may ask about," she says. "Most people do not want to treat the early part of a relationship as an interrogation but learn about someone over time."
Still, she points out, unless something comes up that gets your S.O. talking about a particular random topic, you probably don’t know everything about them. "Even small ticket stuff—favorite animal, favorite birthday party—may not get discovered," Durvasula says.
Taking a quiz together is "a fun way to start conversations and explore preferences, history and interests further," Durvasula says. And, she adds, "These become a springboard to further conversations and discovery."
Meet the experts:
Janet Brito, PhD is a clinical psychologist and sexologist based in Honolulu.
Ramani Durvasula, PhD is a clinical psychologist and author of Don't You Know Who I Am?.
Gigi Engle is a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.
Susan Trotter, PhD is a relationship coach based in Boston.
Durvasula recommends looking at this as a game for a fun night in vs. a way to tell if you’re meant to be, or whatever. "Definitely do not make it something you do at a time of conflict or as a way of fixing a problem," she says. It’s also important to be respectful of boundaries. "If someone says they are not comfortable talking about or answering something, allow for that and don't push it," Durvasula advises.
Okay, so here's how this couples quiz works: Both you and your partner should have a copy of the questions below. Answer each one based on what you think your partner's answer would be. Once you're done, take turns revealing them to one another.
If either of you gets a question wrong, this gives you the chance to talk things through in a neutral, comfortable way. And when you get answers right? Well, you both can rest easy knowing you're in sync (awww).
Warm-Up Questions
Let's answer a few easier, light-hearted questions before diving into the harder ones. While this is all in good fun, knowing basic facts about your partner shows you're paying attention to what they say, do, and enjoy. Let's see how good you are at remembering the following:
What's your partner's favorite TV show?
What's your partner's favorite book?
What food does your partner like to cook?
What's their favorite color?
Where did you two meet?
What color are their eyes?
What does your partner do at work?
What’s your partner’s go-so social network?
What’s your partner’s favorite dessert?
What does your S.O. like to do in their spare time?
What’s your partner’s favorite movie?
What’s their favorite takeout meal?
What makes them laugh the hardest?
Where’s your partner’s dream vacation destination?
Do they prefer a cozy night in or a wild night out?
What’s your partner’s ideal Saturday?
Do they have a go-to karaoke song?
Does your partner sleep in or wake up early?
Do they have any tattoos?
Are they more into salty or sweet snacks?
What’s your partner’s guilty pleasure?
What is your partner’s biggest fear?
Questions About The Future
Sure, you guys are in love now. But if you plan on staying together forever, there's a lot you should talk through to make sure you're on the same page.
"Finding out someone's current state of mind regarding their dreams is important," says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide To Sex, Love, and Life. "It shows you if they have direction and drive, both key things in forming long-term partnerships." When it comes to the future, here's what you should ask:
What does your partner want their life to look like in five years?
Where do they see themselves living in an ideal world?
Does your partner want to move around a lot in the future, or settle down?
Would your partner ever relocate to accommodate your job?
Would your partner ever want a long-distance relationship?
What’s your partner’s stance on long-term monogamy?
What’s their five-year plan?
What are their long-term goals?
Does your partner want to get married in the future?
Where would their dream wedding be?
If they want to get married, what does the wedding look like? Big or small?
How happy are they with their current work situation?
How does your partner feel about having kids?
If your partner wants kids, how soon do they expect to start a family?
How many children do they want, if any?
If they do want children, is there anything they want to accomplish (financially or career-wise) before starting a family?
What role do they want their friends/family to play in your future childrens’ lives?
Does your partner want to own a home one day?
Does your partner like to plan for the future?
What kind of adventures does your partner want to have in the future?
How do they envision your relationship changing or evolving over the years?
What are your partner’s plans for retirement?
Questions About The Past
As much as talking about the future is important, there's also a lot you should know about your partner's past. "A person's childhood sets the stage for their emotional well-being for the rest of their lives," says Engle. "The messages we perceive from our primary caregivers form the fundamental beliefs we have about the world. Knowing what you're walking into is important." Here's what you should be asking about your partner's past:
What kind of relationship does your partner have with their parents?
What kind of relationship does your partner have with their siblings?
Are they still in touch with any friends from childhood?
Did they have a positive high school experience?
Were their parents supportive of their dreams and goals?
How was their college experience?
Does your partner get excited about visiting home?
How did your partner's last relationship end?
How many past relationships does your partner have?
How many times has your partner been in love?
How have those relationships impacted them?
How does your partner feel about their exes today?
Is there anything in their past relationship that has made them closed off?
Do they feel they've been able to maintain positive romantic relationships?
Do they still keep in touch with any exes?
What are their biggest relationship fears?
Have they gone through heartbreak before?
Have they ever cheated on a partner?
Have they ever been cheated on?
Do they have any past experience with mental health issues?
How does your partner feel about their middle school years?
What is their favorite childhood memory?
What was their dream job as a child?
Questions About Values
According to Brito, many arguments in a relationship are triggered by couples having conflicting values. "You want to see if someone's values align with yours," adds Engle. "This is a key factor in compatibility. You shouldn't have to change yourself to fit into someone else's ideals, and visa versa."
What does your partner value most in life?
What are your partner's political beliefs?
What cause is most important to your partner?
How important is family to your partner?
Does your partner have close relationships with their siblings?
How much does your partner value physical activity?
What does your partner prefer to do with their time off?
Does your partner like to travel?
How does your partner feel about having pets?
Does your partner donate to charity?
Who are the most important people in your partner's life?
What is your partner's favorite thing about their job?
How does your partner like to spend their money?
How important is religion in your partner’s life?
If religion is important, do they plan on making it important in their children's lives, too?
How is your partner fulfilled?
What are their relationship dealbreakers?
Does your partner have any debt?
How does your partner feel about smoking?
How do they feel about therapy?
What are their personal financial goals?
What counts as "cheating"?
What parenting style do they envision for their children?
How do they show affection?
Questions About Communication
When it comes to relationships, communication is *always* key. "What matters is knowing when your partner needs space and closeness, and not to take it personally," says Brito. Answer these questions to find out how well you know your partner's communication style:
Does your partner consider themself an introvert or an extrovert?
How does your partner prefer to show affection? (Touch? Gifts? Acts of kindness?)
How does your partner prefer to receive affection?
Which is more important: words of affirmation or acts of service?
What does your partner need to feel appreciated?
How does your partner show appreciation?
What romantic gestures does your partner appreciate?
Does your partner easily identify their feelings?
How do they like to handle conflict?
How does your partner define an argument?
What does your partner need after a fight?
What does your partner like to talk about at the end of each day?
Is communication important?
Is physical affection important?
Does your partner like to communicate via phone? (Text? FaceTime?)
How does your partner bring up uncomfortable topics?
What makes your partner angry?
How does your partner respond when they’re angry?
When do they feel most comfortable and able to be vulnerable?
What coping skills does your partner use when they’re upset?
How does your partner de-stress?
What peace-keeping skills does your partner have?
Do they currently struggle with any mental health issues?
Questions About Sex
"People have different views on kinks, desires, porn habits, and libidos," says Engle. Here's what you should know:
What does good sex look like for your partner?
How does your partner feel about sexting?
Does your partner enjoy dirty talk?
What's something non-sexual that turns your partner on?
Does your partner enjoy using sex toys?
How does your partner feel about watching porn?
What's your partner's favorite sex position?
How does your partner feel about using lube?
How adventurous is your partner in the bedroom?
How does your partner define romance?
What’s your partner’s biggest fantasy?
What isn’t your partner so into in bed?
What kind of lingerie is your partner into?
Is your partner into kink at all?
Does your partner like roleplay?
What is your partner's favorite form of foreplay?
Does your partner prefer to be more dominant or controlled in the bedroom?
What is their favorite time of day to have sex?
Does your partner like shower sex?
How often does your partner need/want sex?
How does your partner feel about sex in public?
Does your partner like to listen to music during sex?
Now that you've answered all your couples questions, it's time to reveal your answers to your partner. Remember: It's okay if you got a few wrong! Consider it a chance to spark a new conversation.
Results
0 to 46 correct:
There’s still a lot you have to learn about the other person—and that’s okay!
“If you are in the early stages of a relationship, then these results are to be expected. If you have been together for a while and you don’t score very high here, then it’s time to get to work,” says Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship coach based in Boston. “Are the two of you intentionally keeping the relationship more superficial? Are you uncomfortable with vulnerability? What keeps you from opening up and sharing with each other? What kind of relationship do you want?”
47 to 92 correct:
You’re probably on the same page about a lot—and have communicated as much—but that doesn’t mean you should stop talking about the important things. “A medium score is just that,” Trotter adds. “You know a lot about each other—and there’s room to grow.”
93 to 136 correct:
You have put in the effort in your relationship and it’s paying off. “A high score means that congratulations are in order! You and your partner have spent a lot of time talking—and more importantly—listening to each other,” she says. “You understand each other and know a lot about the past, present and future. You both value that inner knowledge about your partner and make an effort to learn new things on a regular basis. You share values and goals in life. Keep it up!”
What should I do if I get a low score?
Even if your score is looking a little lower than you expected (or hoped), don’t stress. It just means there’s room for growth.
“If you score lower than you expected, don’t take it as a sign that the relationship is wrong. Use this experience to see where you aren’t as connected, to ask more questions of your partner, and to self-reflect about what you want,” Trotter says. “Learning more to address issues like values is particularly important as shared values are foundational in a relationship.”
How you address this gap is, ultimately, personal. Prioritize more one-on-one time and tackle the conversations you’ve yet to tackle—even if it’s something as simple as, “What’s your favorite book?” Start slow, work your way up to the more difficult topics, and remember to listen.
“Spend time together. Talk. Connect. Be intimate. Learn more. Retake the quiz every so often and see where you land,” Trotter suggests. “See your score as a reflection of where you are in the relationship and use it to inspire you and your partner to do more to continue to learn about each other.” Now, get talking!
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