The 2023 Wypipo Awards

OPINION: 2023 was a banner year for wypipoing. But who was white enough to make the all-white all-star team?

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio

Six years ago, the National Organization of Tireless, American Liars and Lowlifes Working Year-round to Preserve Inequality, Prejudice and Oppression (NOTALLWYPIPO) embarked upon a mission to honor the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community.

Despite rewarding the melanin-impaired community with a disproportionate number of Grammys, Tonys, Oscars, Emmys, political access, judicial appointments, financial wealth, educational opportunity and social capital since the day they began their quest to steal an entire continent, the world tends to ignore the most crucial aspect of Caucasian contributions:

Wypipoing.

What is wypipoing? Wypipoing is calling oneself a “patriot” while waving a confederate flag. Wypipoing is whining about widespread voter fraud while rubber-stamping gerrymandering, voter suppression and felon disenfranchisement. Wypipoing is screaming about freedom of speech while outlawing critical race theory. And if you find the term “wypipoing” offensive …

Congratulations, you’re wypipoing!

At the end of every year, we gather a diverse panel of wypipologists to nominate the worst and whitest in politics, news, entertainment and overall caucasity. Our slate of electors includes Black people, African-Americans, people who can’t shop in Victoria’s Secret’s “nude” section and women who use edge control.

As we always point out, not all white people can qualify for these accolades. However, if a white person has ever used the phrase “not all white people,” they are probably eligible.

Today, we recognize white excellence:

Here are the 2023 nominees and winners:

Worst new wypipo

• Mike Johnson: Even though no one likes him, the pro-life, pro-gun, anti-porn, anti-gay Christian nationalist congressman burst on the scene after Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his position as speaker of the House. Wait, considering Johnson’s mutual masturbation monitoring arrangement with his son, “bursting on the scene” is probably the wrong term.

• Vivek Ramaswamy: Technically, Ramaswamy is not a white man. However, because of the new affirmative action ruling, we included the anti-woke, Republican, right-wing apologist in this category based on merit.

• Harlan Crow: While this old, white billionaire has been around for a long time, 2023 was the year we discovered that rich wypipo can just buy a Supreme Court justice.

• J.D. Vance: First-term Congressman J.D. Vance became a first-term congressman by positioning himself as America’s leading Great Replacement theorist. The pro-authoritarian insurrectionist is also reportedly on the shortlist to become Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate.

And the winner is: Bill Maher

While theGrio can verify that the host of HBO’s “Real Time” has been classified as a person of no color for most of his life, in recent years, Maher has transformed himself into one of the whitest wypipo on late-night premium cable television.

In 2023, Maher finally embraced his full caucasity, railing about the Black national anthem, “Democrat-run cities,” and the “woke mind virus.” The old Bill Maher thought it was OK to talk about field slaves and “house niggers.” The new Bill Maher told Joe Rogan, “The goal is to not see race at all, anywhere, for any reason.”

To be fair, theGrio thought about honoring someone for pronouncing the hard R when they use the n-word but ultimately, we couldn’t decide between Joe Rogan and Bill Maher.

White tears award

• White national anthem: In 2023, wypipo broke into hissy fits when they discovered that the Black national anthem would be sung in public.

• Prescription prejudice: In perhaps the whitest apology since Rosanne Barr blamed her racist insults on Ambien, children’s author Cait Corrain said her psych meds turned her into a bigot.

• Skip Bayless: It seems like years ago since Skip Bayless’ tearful apology after complaining about the NFL playoff picture while a man literally died during a game.

• Kevin McCarthy: It was uniquely satisfying to watch an insurrection defender lose his job because he couldn’t defend himself against the insurrectionist he defended.

And the winner is: America First

The “patriots” who love the troops and the flag did a lot to make America great again.

The ones who called Colin Kaepernick an anti-American communist whined when the NFL let someone sing a literal anthem to America. The ones who claimed to love the Constitution and wanted to see Obama’s birth certificate are currently crying over the clause about insurrectionists being disqualified from office. The ones who hate big government interference passed laws governing the bodies of women and transgender people. The free speech advocates are cool with silencing anyone who supports Palestine. The ones who “don’t see color” had hissy fits about the skin tones of mermaids, hobbits and superheroes.

They love the troops, but block military promotions, hate the Black defense secretary and sob about critical race theory. They are pro-police and love “law and order” as long as the FBI is not investigating insurrectionists, racism or anyone white. They actually hate America. In reality, they just love whiteness …

First.

Worst wypipoing by a duo or group

• Florida: After rejecting AP African American studies for K-12 schools, the Sunshine State’s new Black history standards set a new standard for whitewashing.

• School boards: Across the country, local school boards have banned books, attacked LGBTQ students and teachers, closed libraries and removed courses on Black history and literature.

• The white Drop Squad: It was difficult to overlook Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis for conspiring to commit a mass kidnapping right before our eyes. 

And the winner is: The Montgomery martial artists

This one was easy.

On a bright sunny Aug. 5, 2023, Black Twitter, white history and water-based brouhahas were forever changed. Even the ancestors were pleased when a group of rosy-necked pontoon boaters delivered a shipload of delight to the Black cinematic universe. Never before had anyone engaged in a mission of “f*cking around” and received such a quick delivery of “find out.” Personally, I had no idea that cans of whoop-ass were available for instant download.

What a thing it was to behold.

Whiteboi of the year

• Matt Gaetz: The Florida congressman had a busy 2023. He escaped a sex trafficking charge, led two intraparty rebellions (electing McCarthy and ousting McCarthy), and attacked anti-white prejudice in the criminal justice system.

• DJ Vlad: Following years of profiting from his anti-Black content, the world-renowned internet opp who is not a DJ credited himself with solving Tupac’s murder.

• Christopher Rufo: After creating the mass hysteria surrounding critical race theory, the foremost race hustler led Ron DeSantis’ anti-DEI movement.

And the winner is: Elon Musk

Musk’s accomplishments in 2023 are too extensive to name but we’ll try to list his top 10.

1. He founded white Twitter.

2. He advocated for free speech and then put a price tag on speech.

3. He redefined the word “verified” to mean: “We didn’t verify this.”

4. He identified the virus that creates “woke minds.”

5. He encouraged advertisers to have sex with themselves.

6. He changed a generation-defining platform to a letter of the alphabet.

7. He put a price tag on whiteness.

8. He is singlehandedly stopping wypipo from going extinct.

9. He endorsed antisemitism and Islamophobia.

10. Tesla, Twitter and SpaceX all lost money.

Karen of the year

• Lauren Boebert: The horny, uneducated, criminal teen mom divorced her husband and became a grandmother of a child of teen parents. It’s white culture.

• Nikki Haley: Nikki Haley disparaged Obama, affirmative action, history and people with a “victim mentality.” But it’s not her fault. A Democratic plant made her do it.

• Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Sanders began her term as governor of Arkansas in 2023 and immediately attacked abortion, Black history and even the term Latinx.

• Ginni Thomas: This was the year that we found out that Clarence Thomas’ wife supported grift, graft and insurrectionist riffraff. But don’t worry; I’m sure her husband wasn’t involved.

And the winner is: white moms

Sung to the tune of “The Candy Man Can”

Big white lie of the year

• Colorblindness: Whether it was affirmative action or Black college football coaches who married white women, apparently, Dr. Umar was the only person who saw race in 2023.

• Trans athletes: Out of the 520,000 NCAA athletes, researcher Hoanna Harper estimates that fewer than 100 trans women compete in college sports. An anti-trans organization could only identify five transgender athletes competing in girls’ K-12 teams.   

• Black Republicans: If you believe lazy political pundits, every few years you’ll hear that Black voters are switching over to the GOP, despite the fact that polls, voting data and history show it never ever ever ever ever happens.

• Slave trade school: According to Florida’s curriculum, before white supremacists started the bloodiest war in American history over states’ rights (or whatever Nikki Haley believes), America’s race-based slavery system was just an unpaid internship.

And the winner is: merit

Buried beneath the consternation over affirmative action policies and diversity, equity and inclusion mandates is the belief that underqualified, ignorant Black people are taking jobs, opportunities and trophies from deserving Caucasians.

Wypipo really believe in the myth of the American meritocracy.

Apparently, the descendants of mediocre Europeans who left their homelands to take advantage of welfare in the form of race-based servitude, headrights and manifest destiny are overrepresented in boardrooms, colleges and every institution because they are smarter, more talented and work harder. They can’t conceive of the generational benefits of money stolen from Black taxpayers to build schools, universities and banks that exclusively served white people. They don’t count the Jim Crow laws that gave them control of housing, voting and the criminal justice system. They don’t consider school funding disparities or the racial wage gap or the power structure that has existed since America’s founding.

Every political, social, economic and educational institution in America was specifically designed to benefit white people. But any attempt to reform these institutions by making them more diverse and inclusive is considered theft.

Or maybe “merit” is wypipo for “privilege.”

Best supporting wypipo

• Byron Donalds: It seems like the Republican congressman has been around for a long time, but it’s only been a year since the GOP’s Great Negro Hope was mollywhopped by Joy Reid on national television for attacking “wokeness.”

• Jason Whitlock: Jason Whitlock has been a mainstay in this category. We don’t have time to name all of his accomplishments in 2023, but some of his highlights include hating on Black quarterbacks, women voters, women’s basketball and Black mermaids. And he gets ads for going “balls deep.”
  

• Ice Cube: After Tucker Carlson was ousted from his Fox News show, Ice Cube decided to lend America’s favorite racial conspiracy theorist a hand by throwing Oprah, the Black press and dumb Black voters under the bus.

• Tim Scott: Another perennial favorite, Tim Scott’s bootstrap business had a banner year. Unfortunately, his experience at bootlicking did not help him during his failed run for president.

And the winner is: Clarence Thomas

Clarence Thomas’ 2023 was spectacular. If it wasn’t for Donald Trump, Clarence might be the greatest finesse artist of his generation. Not only did he achieve his lifelong goal of dismantling affirmative action, he got a wealthy, Nazi-affiliated donor to sponsor his entire career. To be fair, no one can call Clarence Thomas a slave or an Uncle Tom.

Slaves don’t get paid.

In a ceremony held earlier, the following people received awards:

• Whitest thing that happened this year: The Supreme Court’s affirmative action ruling.

• Word wypipo killed this year: The word “Karen” is dead.

• Best thing wypipo did this year. The wypipo at Dominion successfully sued the wypipo at Fox News. 

• Worst thing wypipo did this year: For the 402nd year in a row, most white people did nothing.

• White fictional character of the year: The good, all-American way of life that existed before immigrants, trans athletes and diversity hires joined the woke mobs.

• Black fictional character of the year: Black mother Dorthy.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Not all wypipo

I call it the “privilege of individuality.”

Generally, wypipo are not used to being part of a collective. Even the most liberal ones who work in “Black communities” are not accustomed to being judged by the actions of others.  So, when discussing race, you can always count on at least one white person who must separate themselves from the hurt, harm and trauma that whiteness has left in its wake.

When someone says they are “flying like a bird,” they inherently understand that penguins and ostriches exist. Glove manufacturers don’t have to be reminded that “not all hands” have five fingers. But even if you don’t use the word “all,” simply uttering the phrase “white people” will always prompt an involuntary response from a well-meaning Caucasian who can’t bear being lumped in with their fellow whites.

Today, we honor those heroes.

We salute the wypipo who go to Black neighborhoods to work in “underprivileged communities” while disavowing the concept of white privilege. This is for the Beckys who “can’t be racist” because they dated a negro or adopted a child with melanin in their skin. We honor the bigotry biologists who proudly state that they “don’t have a racist bone in their body.” If you “grew up around Black people” or were raised by parents who taught you to “not see color,” this is your moment.

Congratulations.

Perhaps the biggest privilege that whiteness affords is the ability to inject oneself into any narrative. So thank you for derailing every conversation about race to let us know that your grandparents didn’t own slaves. Before you told us that you didn’t care if someone was “Black, white or purple,” we had rudely excluded Lavendar Americans from conversations about race. I just have one question for all the “not all” white people:

Why haven’t you cured racism?

Wait … are you admitting that one white person can’t cure racism? Are you trying to tell me that systemic change requires collective work and responsibility? But if social, political and economic reform can’t be achieved by individual efforts, then why the hell would anyone care about your self-congratulatory virtue-signaling that does not solve a single thing? Perhaps one of the reasons inequality persists is that white individuals believe they can detach themselves from the solution simply by claiming they are not part of the problem.

And that’s why we are honoring you.

Because not all white people are wypipo.

Michael Harriot is an economist, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His New York Times bestseller Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America is available everywhere books are sold.

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