The Best Ways to Punish Congress for the Shutdown
By Jane Wells
Let's see. If I decided to stop working, I'd get fired. If I shut down my company, I'd get arrested.
Congress and the president have taken their sweet time trying to agree to terms for reopening the government, but not only are they still on the job, they're getting paid! What kind of punishment is that? Where's the deterrent there?
So if we can't fire them, and we can't stop paying them, how can we punish those running the show before the next election rolls around?
Let's be creative.
Mandatory prancercising. Nonstop.
Have them answer their own phones during voter drunk dialing.
Order them to stand in the grocery checkout line behind someone who's decided to write a check at the last second ... but can't find her checkbook ... now she needs to borrow a pen.
Force them to twerk in a Miley Cyrus bikini, then swing naked from a wrecking ball.
Make them watch the New York Giants.
Spend the weekend with Richard Simmons.
Cut off booze, cigars, hookers, and cocaine.
Give them only BlackBerrys.
Bring in "Walter White" to negotiate...his way. #BreakingBad
Hire them out at minimum wage to give pedicures at San Quentin.
Make them sit still as Kanye West, the only American with a bigger ego than Congress, tells them he's a genius again and again. And again. And one more time.
Put a ball gag on the whole gang and go Fifty Shades on them.
Invite them to the next Game of Thrones "Red Wedding" as "guests of honor." (I'm just kidding, Secret Service! Ha ha...heh...sorta...)
More suggestions came in on Twitter:
"Have them sign up for healthcare using the online healthcare marketplace." @turtleinvestor
"Trade them to Syria for a few trillion$ and a Congress to be named later." @ChrisHoltz4
"Set the clock on an old VCR." @DavidRFlamerCPA (Cruel and unusual punishment? I like it.)
"Take away the people who push the elevator buttons," said @DarylT of the aides who help members of Congress move around the Capitol. "The horror of the index finger strain!"
"Make them play sudoku at expert level for 12 hours straight" tweeted @eftvox.
"Force them to listen to Katy Perry!!" added @lisaglick926.
@DonCarrMAC suggests instead of HDTVs with NFL Red Zone coverage, Congress should be forced to watch "Dick Cheney on the Hunting Channel talking gun safety"...in standard def.
Most effective of all, though, could be this suggestion from @CraigScott31: "Make them watch reruns of their own interviews over and over and over..."