As #houseporn fiends and real estate junkies, there's nothing we love more than poring through fabulous home listings -- except maybe sorting through the tragically un-fabulous ones. They'll definitely make you laugh, and some of them could make you cry. Every week, AOL Real Estate brings you the sorriest listings we could find on the Internet to show you what you should never do when posting your home online. We very appropriately call it #listingfail.
This Week's Theme:
Why You Need a Good Realtor
OK, so we rag on Realtors a lot (in good fun, of course). We even wrote an entire post about the many ways they can be utterly, hilariously ridiculous. But homeowners, the truth is, we need 'em. Well, the good ones, anyway. Exhibit A:
There are so many things wrong with this listing, it just blows our minds. To begin with, the listing reads: "Buy my Ugly house." Ugly with a capital "U" (seriously, we're not trying to be funny). Secondly, it has photographs -- eight of them -- of an incredibly, irrevocably ugly house. Yes, honesty is a virtue -- but sometimes it's OK to lie.
Admittedly, this listing is so bad that it's sort of refreshing. Conventional brokerbabble would have gushed that this "charming little fixer-upper" is just "a little elbow grease" away from becoming your "ultimate dream home." But no, this homeowner knows better. This homeowner knows this house is just plain ugly -- with a capital U.
Behold, the reason why copy editors are necessary: A $27 million home on the snooty-sounding Canadian island of Ile Bizard "includes poo." (Now we're wondering if it's Ile Bizarre!) Yes, we're sure it meant to say "includes pool," but in an abundance of caution, we'd just like to point out that a posh home with luxury features like a wine cellar and library should most certainly be feces-free. How can you expect to smell your home -- sorry, we meant sell your home -- if it "includes poo"? Talk about a crappy real estate ad...
Attention, all cat lovers! If you're feline-friendly, then this home may be perfect for you. Strictly "NO DOGS," warns the owner of this Seattle home with a "spectacular view." But your cats are perfectly fine -- all 28 of them. (Twenty-nine, and you're pushing it, lady!)
For more hilarious #listingfails, see the gallery below. (Warning: Some are on the racy side.)
Listing Fails in Need of a Good Realtor
Why You Need a Good Realtor (Listing Fails)
This homeowner is so excited to get rid of this house that one exclamation mark is just not enough. "INVESTORS!!" the ad reads in bold text. "Price reduced!!" Not that we're surprised: a home that has "lice" on its first floor should surely get a hefty discount. And an exterminator.
Here's a tip, homeowners: If the only picture you have of your home was taken during brushfire season, then hire someone to take some new fire-free photos. Or just show off your home's interiors. You're trying to impress potential buyers, not terrify them. The last line's golden: "This one won't last long!" (Ya think?)
If "U" are that "West Village baller" then this is the crib for you! According to this (highly eloquent) listing, this Grove Street "stunna" is perfect for the "solo rock star" or "that couple." Whatever that means.
Not to sound like party poopers, but in our opinion, if you were truly ballin' out of control rockstar-style, then you'd probably want to hole up in some place other than a cramped one-bedroom in the Village. Just sayin'.
Tip of the day: If your listing reads more like a rap song, then be an MC, not a broker.
"Enjoy coming home to this Rancho Hills apartment," the listing reads. With a breakfast bar, private balcony, patio -- and "ceiling fangs." Ceiling fangs?! Who on earth would want to buy a house that will eat them alive?