If Call of Duty came to Facebook...

Call of Duty Facebook
Call of Duty Facebook

It would be an absolute disaster. And not in the "it would financially tank, costing publisher Activision Blizzard hundreds of millions" sort of way. Rather, it would be disastrous in the "it would transform the Facebook gaming landscape into a terrifying maelstrom of testosterone-fueled adolescent rage" sort of way.

Based on the publisher's strange sentiments toward Facebook gaming, and the clear-as-day demographics, we all know that Call of Duty will never make it to Facebook. (Or any social gaming platform, for that matter.) But just in case some plucky game designer, sheepishly roaming the volcanic halls of Mount Kotick, even thinks about it, here's why Call of Duty should never, ever come to Facebook:

Angry Gamer
Angry Gamer

The Average Facebook Gamer Goes Bro

Do you want your News Feed filled with friends or relatives that suddenly change their name to "XxSniper420xX"? We didn't think so. Game-related posts would swiftly shift from the mildly-annoying-but-sometimes-adorable "Feed my cows, please?" to the lewd-and-always-disturbing "GeneralGooch tea-bagged you for the 17th time today! Are you gonna take that, broski?"

Add-Me Threads Turn Into Trash Talk War Zones

Boy, we sure hope you enjoy pictures of male genitalia created out of text characters, because that's what you'll be looking at. All. Day. Long. Don't think this will be limited to Facebook's new social game wasteland; these folks are purveyors of the meme. Text-created trouser snakes would spread across Facebook like penned penises find their way from to desk to desk in a high school classroom. Your precious Wall will devolve into a land of boobs made with parentheses and periods.

Microtransactions Become Macrotransactions

When a hardcore World of Warcraft fan is willing to drop 25 clams on a sparkly horse that flies, what's to stop a true first-person shooter fan to spend, say, $75 on a virtual Predator drone? (That does sound ... kind of awesome--wait, resist!) Hardcore gamers are known to drop serious coin on not only new content, but ways to get an edge on the competition. Have you heard of in-game bodyguards? Just wait until the rest of social game land notices--that new $100 digital cow better come with a lifetime supply of real 2% milk.

Halo tea bagging
Halo tea bagging

Facebook Crumbles Beneath "Midnight Launches"

Ever driven by a GameStop around 11:45 p.m. on a frigid night in November? Those days are gone, my friend, but try logging onto Facebook when the new expansion for Call of Duty: Comrades lands on the network. You've already been beat to the punch by hundreds of millions of die hard Call of Duty dudes, all at once. The average Facebook game updates once a week, but this would be far from the average Facebook game. Think about that.

Worst Case Scenario

The average Facebook gamer turns into this (NSFW):

Now do you see why Call of Duty can never make it Facebook? Do you think it would be this ... insane? Sound off in the comments. Add Comment.

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