New Underwear Makes Privates Bigger, Wallet Smaller

old girdle catalog ad - underwearThroughout history we've worn things to smooth the bumps or make the bumps look bigger. We've paid a pretty price, too. Enhancement-wear such as the new Shock Jock Flirt Brief undies, which sport a fake penis bulge, routinely costs in the double digits. Whether it's to look like Venus, Adonis or your favorite digital porn star, we are suckers for a quick cosmetic fix. The following is a quick WalletPop tour of some of the most notable nips, tucks and lifts that money can buy -- off the rack.

Andrew Christian's prosthetic-packed Shock Jock Flirt Brief will add two inches to your package and subtract $29 from your wallet. But what do you do at the other end of the bait-and-switch when you remove your underwear to reveal the real you? WalletPop wonders if it's worth going to such lengths if a partner is going to cry false advertising. We haven't seen any reports on how many units the Shock Jock is selling. In my day, the insecure shoved a sock into their Munsingwear and spent their cash on a Corvette.Spanx, the girdled footless pantyhose, now has 6 million devoted customers, according to its website. Oprah and Gwyneth reportedly swear by Spanx's $22 to $30 tummy-tucking, butt-contouring properties. What would the mid-part of the last decade have been without Spanx? To many women, it wasn't just hosiery. It was revolution. Inventor Sara Blakely modeled the prototype herself for a Neiman Marcus buyer when she had just $5,000 to her name. Now she's getting $36 a pair for the Higher Power Spanx. We're just imagining the more than $60 worth of deception if Shock Jock ever had a naked encounter with Higher Power.

Even the men are buying into the flab-distribution market. Equmen calls its inventory "compression garments" and they along, with Spanx for Men, are all the mini-rage, says the paper of record. Equmen touts a "helix-mapping" stitch pattern for its torso-shaping T-shirts. At $100 a shirt, you better give it a fancy name. The underwear reportedly also puts everything in its proper place for $59. Time to dip into your truss fund.

None of the above can come close to the success of the Wonderbra. The cleavage-boosting brassiere hit the market in 1994 at the then-hefty price of $26 -- and began selling one every 15 seconds, according to the University of Michigan Business School. First-year grosses totaled $120 million -- among the few figures that weren't inflated.

When pint-sized Catherine de Medici popularized high heels among the French nobility in the 16th century (thus the term well-heeled), little did she know a man named Manolo Blahnik would one day charge a king's ransom for the same deal. You'll pay up to $1,295 a pair so your gams can look long, sculpted and indulged. That's enough to buy 44 Shock Jock Flirt Briefs.
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