Rental Roommate Nightmares: Cuddle Parties, Haunted Rooms and Alcoholics

Nightmares! Nightmares! Nightmares!

Yes, nothing but a huge sea of red flags with this batch of Rental Roommate Nightmares from Craigslist. What's in store? A retired man who wants to room with a lesbian for cuddle parties; a household that will turn your room into a sex area at their parties; satanists, and my ultimate roommate nightmare scenario.

Scenario no. 1: Newark, N.J.
$1 Retired MALE iso Female to share 1 room (companionship+work, NOT s.x)
HELP (not some asinine sex deal which the insane horndogs on CL try to offer. I'm "celibate" anyway.)
with cleaning, Spiritual Study, driving, DIET&exercise. Prefer lesbian who IS TOTALLY & UNLIMITEDLY OK with Cuddle Party and shares LEGIT massage.
Shared room (NOT own room).

Our Take: Apparently a sex deal isn't an asinine sex deal if its YOUR asinine sex deal.

Scenario no. 2: Berkeley, Calif.
$540 Sex...and other good things
Some of us in the house occasionally give parties (2-3 per year) with music, art, dance, good food, erotic performance ....and...the party has a couple rooms where people can get as sensual/sexual as they want. The parties are very mellow, and safe; an 18 year old virgin who doesn't go to the playrooms could leave saying "that was a beautiful party!".
Looking for a roommate who could understand that, and possibly use his/her room for one of the playrooms when we have our parties. You don't even have to go to the party....some of the roommates don't....just let us use the room overnight, and return it to it's pristine condition the next day.
The parties tend to be people from 18-30, and invitation only, and men can only come if accompanied by a woman who has made reservations for both. (If you live here and are a guy, you may attend without finding a woman to bring you.)

Our Take: Think of the fun of moving in and its "beautiful party" night. Of course you don't have to be there; you just have to give up your room so 18-30 people can have sex in it. Hopefully it's hardwood floors so there will be no stains left in the carpet. But the upside is, if you are a guy, you can attend the party without a date.

Scenario no. 3: San Francisco, Calif.

$640 Room of Doom in lower Haight
The room was recently vacated by a bike riding hipster dirtbag that had a fondness for stinky cheese, alcohol and LOUD sex. This previous tenant reports hearing strange voices in this room and waking up several times at 3 in morning and either seeing a shadowy figure at the foot of the bed or faces staring in the viewless window. Is the room haunted by sinister spirits of the past or was our previous roommate a total lying tard face? The only way you can find out is if you come and live in the ROOM OF DOOM!!!!!!!

The Roommates:
1. (Male) Satanic black metal musician that eats bland foods and has a strange collection of salt.
2. (Female) Bipolar Vietnamese refugee that coughs without covering her mouth.
3. (Male) Alcoholic Irish transient that puts beer in EVERYTHING he cooks.

You: You must know how to operate a toilet and enjoy doing so.

Also I should mention that the room is above a bar and it can be loud. Tolerance for noise is a plus although this is the quietest room in the house (when the ghosts aren't screaming bloody murder at you). No Pets unless it is a parrot!

Our Take: A room of doom located in a house from Hell sounds really appealing. Why not move in and let yourself be the guinea pig to determine if your room is haunted. Perhaps the room is haunted by your alcoholic Irish roommate, the bipolar woman, or satanic black metal musician? Upside: you're allowed to have a parrot as a pet.

Scenario no. 4: Berkeley, Calif.
$620 Creature House Seeking Housemate (berkeley)

It's hard for us to generalize about our household, both because we recognize and celebrate that we each have our individual perspectives on it and because we are going through changes, with three people moving out and two new folks (perhaps including you!) moving in. So we're choosing to each write some about ourselves and what helps us thrive in a home.


Becky: I tend to thrive more on the communal end and in groups where there is an ambient sense of trust in each others' care and goodwill. i'm interested in developing and using systems and structures that increase trust, intimacy, and an awareness of the impacts we all have on each other, both within my household and in the wider world. for the last couple years, my work life has been focused on creating and supporting systems for having conflicts in ways that care for everyone involved and help us all get the learning that i believe conflicts can bring. i love having playmates around. among other things, i've been called an elf, a wood nymph, a luck dragon, a leprachaun, a raccoon, a diplomat, a wise woman and a professional friend.

Seneca: oh, who is this seneca creature that I am?!?! i'm rapidly metamorphosising! i'm wild & magical, i'm the sun & the moon. i was born in a desert now mostly covered by concrete. i love Earth. my gender is fluid. i'm here & i'm queer. i LOVE humans & cooking topless. my cancer moon likes spaces to be beautiful & tidy. i'm devoted to radical justice & transformation, to creating new culture. I'm an invisible activist.

Marcus: I am all kinds of bear: great big cuddly teddy bear, majestic ferocious polar bear, warm dark loving mother bear.

In addition to myriad informal ways, our community comes together through three systems:

-Weekly Creature House Community Open Space Gatherings

-Playful and/or soulful connection time, learning from each other, ritual and magic, supporting one another in a potpourri of emotional, spiritual and practical ways, addressing tensions, cuddling, cooking together, house field trips, fun and games, tending to logistical business, and cleaning!

- Restorative Circles

Whenever anyone in the house is experiencing conflict or painful disconnection, they have the option of initiating a restorative circle. These circles are a process for having and learning from our conflicts and fights with the support of community.

Our Take: This is my nightmare! This is my nightmare!

For more to keep you up at night, read other Rental Roommate Nightmare editions.

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