How the Grinch Stole Google News

(With our sincere
apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every Who down in Whoville liked Google a lot,
But the Grinch, who lived up
in a penthouse, did not.
The Grinch hated Google, didn't find
Google pleasin' --
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his views were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his heart or his views,
He came forth this autumn to tear down Google News,
Staring down from his suite with that cocked Aussie frown
At the warm lighted windows all over downtown.
For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath
Was Googling gifts and cheap holiday wreaths.
"Now they're Googling stock picks!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow's Black Friday! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to stop Google from running!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early to rush out and buy toys!
And then! Oh, the news, news, news, news!
That's one thing he hated! Google News, Google News!
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down, and they'd search!
And they'd search! search! search! search!
They'd see free news on Google, and on Twitter, and blogs,
Which was something that made the Grinch want to scream, "Augggh!"

And then they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Black Friday hearts lurching.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start searching!
They'd search! And they'd search!
And they'd search! search! search! search!

And the more the Grinch thought of this Black Friday scrum,
The more he thought, "I must keep my free news from this scum!
Why, for 10 bloody years, I've put up with it now!
I must stop it from indexing my News Corp. -- but how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he thought of old Microsoft, and disruptions to float.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy thing!
For a Google disaster, I'll hook up with Bing!
All I need is a new deal..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since new deals are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a new deal, I'll make one instead!"
So he spoke with Steve Ballmer. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied big ideas to Steve's shiny head.
Then he loaded some tags and some old Fleet Street rags
On a ramshackle sleigh, and he raised the black flags.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the co-ops where the Whos had been Googlin' downtown.

Windows 7 was dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos dreamed of free Google News without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square,
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Rupe hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, clutching Bing in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Larry and Sergey could, so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the free Google searches were all strung in a row.
"My news sites," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, and he grinned and he lurched
Around the whole room -- and took each Google search!
Fox News! New York Post! And Dow Jones! And The Sun!
The News Corp.'d Wall Street Journal! He snatched every one!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the news, site by site, up the chimney!
Then he opened their hard drive and found their blog feeds!
He took Diggs and news aggs, and he stole all their Tweets!
He locked up their Google News, quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch took each search from each Who's Google cache!

Then he stuffed all the sites up the chimney with glee.
"And now," grinned the Grinch, "I will lock up what's free!"
And the Grinch grabbed the free news and started to shove,
When he heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.
The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "Mister Rupe, why
Are you taking our free News Corp. Web searches? Why?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," she heard the mogul say,
"There's some revenue here that I won't give away.
So I'm taking these back up to News Corp., my dear.
I'll put up some firewalls. Then I'll bring them back here."

And his plans stumped the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and chained his news up!
The last thing he took was The Simpsons. How dire!
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
In her co-op he left them with Yahoo and Bing --
Those crummy search engines that can't find anything.

Then He did the same thing at the other Whos' houses
Making news disappear from the Whos' wireless mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...all the Whos, still a-bed,
All the Whos, still asnooze, when he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their Google! The searches! The queries!
All the news! All the chatter! The pundits! The theories!

One hundred flights up, in a dark Midtown tower,
He rode with his load, all aglow with new power.
"Pooh-pooh to Google!" he was Grinch-ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no free news is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Whos down in Whoville will all moan, 'Yahoo!'
That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply MSFT hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it was merry! Very!

He stared down at Whoville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any Fox News at all!
He hadn't stopped Google from working! It worked!
Somehow or other, Google lurkers still lurked!

And the Grinch, frozen stiff in Italian shoes,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Where do they get their news?
"They're not watching Fox! They're not reading The Journal!
Why, they'd flush a paid-model Glenn Beck down the urinal!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Google," he thought, "doesn't need all my news."
"Maybe those advertisers are content with The Snooze!"

And what happened then? Whoville they say
That the Grinch's revenue shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet shrunk, so did his might.
So he whizzed the news back through the bright morning light.
And he came back to Google! And freed his news up for all --
For the Grinch had read the Whos' writing up on the Whos' wall.

Follow Sam Gustin, a reporter for DailyFinance, on Twitter here. Follow DailyFinance's tech coverage here.
Read Full Story