The top headlines of 2009
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The week before the New Year is traditionally crystal ball time for the press. Looking deep into my orb, I see these headlines appearing in 2009:
- Loss of ad revenue forces NBC to replace entire Nightly News crew with Muppets.
- The nation of Iceland adopts the Mento as its new national currency. Supplies of liter soda bottles sell out in minutes following the announcement.
- The White House Press corps agrees to refer to biracial president Barak Obama as Afro-American in odd-numbered years, white in even-numbered ones.
- Hot tub merchant offers to throw in a free Chevrolet with every purchase.
- A Senator takes the time to write out all the zeros in latest bailout proposal, suffers a heart attack on the spot.
- All Americans receive free fruit baskets from friendlier IRS with their tax forms.
- An American housewife actually buys the tackiest commemorative item in history, the Liberian 9-11 commemorative silver-leaf 20-dollar bills. Further investigation reveals that she intended to buy a Sham-Wow but dialed the wrong number.
- Fed lowers Discount Rate to zero, sweetens deal with free shares of AIG.
- Armored Presidential Prius runs out of juice before reaching end of White House driveway.
- Desperate U.S. Treasury Secretary returns call from Nigerian looking to smuggle fortune out of country.
- Exxon bailout stalled in Senate.
- AEP announces plans to build power plant fueled with stock certificates.
- Federal Reserve charged with operating Ponzi scheme, paying off old investors with new investor's money.
- Eligibility for Social Security, Medicare to be awarded by lottery drawing, $1 per ticket, drawings every Tuesday and Saturday. Scratch-off instant winner cards planned for 2010.
- School scores soar as No Child Left Behind testing is streamlined to two questions:
Can you walk upright?
Do you fear fire?