The top headlines of 2009


The week before the New Year is traditionally crystal ball time for the press. Looking deep into my orb, I see these headlines appearing in 2009:

  1. Loss of ad revenue forces NBC to replace entire Nightly News crew with Muppets.

  2. The nation of Iceland adopts the Mento as its new national currency. Supplies of liter soda bottles sell out in minutes following the announcement.

  3. The White House Press corps agrees to refer to biracial president Barak Obama as Afro-American in odd-numbered years, white in even-numbered ones.

  4. Hot tub merchant offers to throw in a free Chevrolet with every purchase.

  5. A Senator takes the time to write out all the zeros in latest bailout proposal, suffers a heart attack on the spot.

  6. All Americans receive free fruit baskets from friendlier IRS with their tax forms.

  7. An American housewife actually buys the tackiest commemorative item in history, the Liberian 9-11 commemorative silver-leaf 20-dollar bills. Further investigation reveals that she intended to buy a Sham-Wow but dialed the wrong number.

  8. Fed lowers Discount Rate to zero, sweetens deal with free shares of AIG.

  9. Armored Presidential Prius runs out of juice before reaching end of White House driveway.

  10. Desperate U.S. Treasury Secretary returns call from Nigerian looking to smuggle fortune out of country.

  11. Exxon bailout stalled in Senate.

  12. AEP announces plans to build power plant fueled with stock certificates.

  13. Federal Reserve charged with operating Ponzi scheme, paying off old investors with new investor's money.

  14. Eligibility for Social Security, Medicare to be awarded by lottery drawing, $1 per ticket, drawings every Tuesday and Saturday. Scratch-off instant winner cards planned for 2010.

  15. School scores soar as No Child Left Behind testing is streamlined to two questions:
    Can you walk upright?
    Do you fear fire?