Hottest products of 2008: Triple-Ply toilet paper

In September, 2008, Georgia-Pacific took toilet paper further than it has ever gone before. With the introduction of Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, the world's first premium three-ply toilet paper, they not only broke tissue boundaries, but may have changed the "face" of America's bathrooms forever. Although this advance seems less impressive than a five-bladed razor or a micro-thin cell phone, it nonetheless represents a quantum leap forward in toilet technology. Thanks to the fine people at Georgia Pacific, Americans are no longer slaves to the two-ply dictatorship that has so long ruled their rear ends with an iron hand.

Toilet tissue has always been a touchy topic in my household. When I was growing up, my father only let us use one brand: single-ply Scott tissue. Although he endlessly swore that his loyalty to Scott was based on concerns about the septic system, my sisters and I speculated that he was actually motivated by some weird Puritan psychosis. After all, our neighbors, with similar systems, stocked super-soft two-ply paper, while we were stuck with the brutal scratchiness of Scott's tush-tearer. All in all, it just seemed a little too perverse to be easily blamed on plumbing.

After I moved out, I liberated myself from the cruel world of Scott toilet totalitarianism. Remembering the sensuous images of Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin, I soon tried out the sweet embrace of what was to become my new septic siren. Charmin was everything that I had always expected: soft, luxurious, and durable. I never looked back.