iPosture: Using technology to replicate my crabby grandma

When I was a kid, my father's mother was what some people (my sisters and I, for example) would call a battle-axe. She could never pass me a plate of hamburgers without warning me about what would happen if I dropped it, and even her sweetest compliments were tinged with the piquant flavor of sharp criticism.

One of her favorite complaints involved my posture. Grandma always jumped on me about my supposedly slumped shoulders, sunken chest, and generally dissolute appearance. Much of my time in her presence was spent with shoulders back, stomach sucked in, and spine ramrod-straight. I used to parody her ideal, walking like an honor guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier. Somehow, she never got the joke.

Now that Grandma's gone to that great chiropractic office in the sky, my posture has suffered somewhat. Every now and again, when I hurt my back or am applying for a job, I will revert to form and demonstrate my amazing Marine guard impression. Most of the time...well, I'm only a little slouchy. Now, however, modern technology has done the impossible: it has replicated my grandma. The iPosture, a futuristic little disk that you wear around your neck, detects when you have allowed your posture to deviate from its ideal. If you slouch for more than a minute, it will deliver a slight vibration, warning you to stand up straight. At only $99, it could save a fortune in back surgery!

Now if they can only invent a machine that will criticize my clothing choices...

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. Sometimes, late at night, he imagines his grandma getting her hands on a bunch of Emo kids. He then cackles quietly to himself.