Elixir for a healthy heart and a long life: Only $0.60 for 8 ounces!


When I was growing up, it seemed like everything that I liked ended up being bad for me. From playing in the mud, which destroyed my clothes, to eating pre-sweetened cereal, which left me climbing the walls, it was almost a foregone conclusion that anything that brought me pleasure was also going to hasten my inevitable demise.

As I've grown older, this trend has continued, with allegations that convertibles have high mortality rates, that smoking causes cancer, and that the salty deliciousness of Virginia ham raises one's blood pressure. As I've been trying to prolong my stay on planet Earth, I've stripped myself of one vice after another, until all that remains is a sharp tongue and a tendency to criticize other peoples' clothing.

On the bright side, however, I recently discovered that coffee is, surprisingly, good for me. According to a 24-year study that was conducted by the University of Madrid, drinking coffee may lower my chances of developing heart disease and other illnesses. What's more, the study's findings seem to suggest that the more coffee one consumes, the greater the health benefits. It's worth noting, however, that the positive effects of coffee seemed to max out at six cups a day.