Career advice: If you want the big bucks, sleep with a celebrity


For several years, I taught English at what I will coyly refer to as a "major mid-Atlantic university." I was often surprised by the fact that most of my students never seemed to think about why they were in college. In fact, when I asked them this key question, their responses usually followed the same general line: they would tell me that they were in school to make more money, get a better job, or set themselves up for enjoyable, successful lives.

At this point, I would tell them that, while college might help them on their way to lucrative careers, most of them would make far more money if they dropped out and began working as undertakers, plumbers, or electricians. After all, I pointed out, people would always die, defecate, and be afraid of the dark, and the people who make those three activities easier will, inevitably, make a ton of dough.

In retrospect, I should have mentioned the most lucrative career of all: having sex with celebrities. After all, while most high-paying jobs require training, years of hard work, and single-minded dedication, becoming a trophy spouse, girlfriend, or high-priced hooker only takes a firm body, a lack of self-respect, and a lot of greed.