Help wanted: Talentless heiress seeks BFF

Don't like your job? Tired of flipping burgers? Thinking about hooking up with the Department of Sanitation?

Boy, have we got a job for you...

According to Us Weekly, Paris Hilton is on the hunt for a new best friend. I would say "best friend forever," but, let's face it, her friendships with Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, and Brittany Spears have had expiration dates measured in months, not eons.

Apparently, Paris' friend hunt will take the form of a new reality series and is expected to run on either VH1 or MTV. Presumably, contestants will be weeded out based on their willingness to consume large amounts of alcohol and drugs, slavishly cater to Hilton's every whim, and generally debase themselves in front of TV cameras. Obviously, a sense of irony will not be a prerequisite for employment.

The next time you find yourself staring at the walls of your cubicle and dreaming about a better life, just think about how much worse it could be: you don't need to run a nationwide search for a friend, you don't need to prostitute your personal life for a TV contract, and you don't need to suck up to a talentless heiress in order to pick up your weekly paycheck.

Hey, life is pretty good.

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. He wants to be Crispin Glover's bff.