To Thrift or Not To Thrift: 33 RPMs of futility

Of my many stupid habits, few are more ill-advised than hoarding record albums. If you're considering the hobby -- maybe you dig on old music, perhaps today's bands just aren't cutting it for you -- forget it. The ends do not justify the means.

Sure, you can snag a thrift shop record for the cost of a single iTunes download, maybe your more charitable friends will be mildly charmed by your quirky collection. See if you can get those friends to help you schlep ten or twenty crates of those weighty nightmares when moving day rolls around.

Alas, if you do take up this ridiculous pastime, don't bother hitting thrift stores, it's just a waste of time and handsoap. For return on investment, there are few activities less rewarding than digging around on your hands and knees through bins of dirty, flaking, moldy, decaying record albums, dreaming that you're gonna come up with anything that will redeem the cardboard flecks covering your good coat, the dust assault on your sinuses, the mysterious hair that gets in your mouth, the spiders and their webs.