Think your holiday stunk? Paris Hilton lost a billion

Paris Hilton & Barron Hilton
Paris Hilton & Barron Hilton

A policeman friend of mine dreads working Christmas, which he spends breaking up fights between drunken family members forced to spend time together for the holidays. I bet he's glad the Hilton household isn't on his beat this week, as Grandpa Conrad Hilton announced he was giving 97% of his two-billion-dollar-plus fortune to charity. And no, he has no grandchild named Charity.

The news must come as a blow to famous vagiratti Paris Hilton, who has spun her family name and her taste for exhibitionism into a career. If she is forced to work for a living, expect to see even more of the woman we've seen entirely too much of already.

The money Paris could have squandered on booze, bacchanals and underwear waxings will instead be devoted to Conrad Hilton's charity, which funds efforts to help the world's needy. Helicopter limo rentals don't qualify.