How to: New York Fashion Week

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Fashion week has finally made it over from Europe and we're about to be extremely deep in the game. Models will walk, models will fall. Designers will be victorious or perish in flames of criticism, and there'll probably be a meteorological event to cover us all in ice because this is New York in February. This is not for the faint of heart. Here's an insider's guide (I'm an insider) on how to survive the craziest, most unnecessarily dramatic week of your life
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Prep: It's important to go into this thing in top shape. You don't work out before you stretch, and this is no different. This shit is a marathon, and you need to play accordingly.


Talk about Fashion Week: The first rule of fashion week: Always talk about fashion week. In every single conversation you have in the seventy-two hours before your first show, mention it. When your barista asks you for your order, tell them that fashion week is coming. When your mom calls you, tell her all about how busy you are going to be once it gets here. You need to make sure every living soul you come in contact with knows that it's coming and that you are going. Fashion week.

Make Outrageous Claims: When courting other breeds of fashion person in the wild, be sure to make ridiculous statements about your schedule. It's best to play it cool and act like you don't even care, so tell them all that you're "taking it easy this season." That's a lie! We know it, you know it, and they know it, but you have to feign indifference. You wish you could take it easy, and yet, you don't. That is cool! And fashion week is only for the cool kids. We even have our own lunch tables full of kale.

Preemptively Cancel Everything: Email all of your Facebook friends and tell them you're too busy for the next week because, "Ugh, it's fashion week." Cancel dinner with your long-lost grandmother, and make sure you respond to any new invitations with "Let's do it after Fashion Week, cool?" Most of your friends will have no idea what this means, and have their own lives and babies to Instagram, but better safe than sorry. Right? Yeah.


Burn Everything You Own: Gather all of your clothing in a pile in your living room, douse it in gasoline, and set it ablaze. This will cleanse your home of bad vibes (fashion sage), and leave you naked and alone. You'll now have the opportunity to buy all new clothes that are not your usual style, but will surely catch the eye of a street style photographer. This is all that matters.


Eat Properly: Eat one bag of kale every day, dress it liberally with raw eggs and your shattered dreams. This will ensure you stay lean and make the whites of your eyes much brighter.
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During: All right, the main event is here. This is what we've waited for-you've rented the limo, you've bought the corsage, and you have the condom. It's go time.

Act Natural: As you approach any fashion show venue, remain calm, and do as you normally do. Walk at a snail's pace, and start smoking so your face is constantly surrounded by a cloud of mystery and toxins. Walk slower still and attach yourself to a nearby herd of fashion people so you can be included in a legendary street style photo.

Be Nostalgic: Many years ago, before the dawn of Lincoln Center and Milk Studios, Fashion Week had a home at Bryant Park. Every so often it's important that you moan to your seat-mate, "Ughhhh, don't you miss Bryant Park?" This proves not only your OG status, but that you love to complain, which is forty percent of fashion week.

Always be Late: Nothing ever starts on time during fashion week, because that would only make for a very smooth and simple process. Be thirty minutes late to absolutely everything, regardless of whether it's fashion week or not. Your colonoscopy can wait, because fashion is happening.

Watch Through a Phone: Make sure that you have your phone on and recording all the looks at each show. If you don't do this, you'll miss a crucial Instagram moment and then you'll fall into a deep depression. What do you have to live for if not your adoring legions of Instafriends? If you forget your phone, you're worthless, but you can still watch the show through a neighbor's screen. Try to find somebody with an iPhone 6 Plus for optimal size.

Small Talk: The most fun thing about being at a fashion show is the small talk you get to have with people you're forced to be social with. Open with something simple like, "How's your weeeeeek?" and then continue to ask them what shows they've been to, what they've liked, and where they're going next. By that time they'll have completely given up interest and you can ask them outrageous questions like where they buried the tell-tale heart, how they'd like to die, or if they've noticed how much weight they've gained.


Make Sacrifices: Fashion week has a way of cutting into your regular schedule, so you have to make a few sacrifices to get everything done. Maybe go to sleep a little earlier, cut back on the carbs (carbs burn fashion people's skin from the inside out), and go easy on the drinking. And oh, of course, do a ritual sacrifice of some small animal every morning. The more animals you offer up to the gods, the better seats you'll get.
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Post: You did it! You made it through. Others have been annihilated, but you've remained victorious. Three cheers for you. Now, you must detox.

Cleanse: Clean yourself in every way imaginable. Take a piping hot shower that lasts at least two hours, while doing a juice cleanse, then submerge yourself in a tub of fresh milk. This will rid your body of any toxins, and wash away the dirt of the week. You'll emerge a new soul, with a new outlook on life. Fashion week will be behind you, and you can carry on as you like.

Eat: Go to the bread aisle at Whole Foods (the one on Bowery, that's the cool one with all the off-duty models) with an empty cart. Place a single slice of bread in the cart. Pay for the bread. Eat the bread. You deserve this.

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