When Kobe Bryant said THIS, he really meant THAT

It's always appeared that Kobe Bryant would rather have Novocain-less dental surgery than submit to yet another interview. That said, for a guy who's always had a love-hate-more-hate relationship with the media, he's been awfully chatty during his final tour of the NBA.

SEE MORE: Kobe wants to show LeBron's kids why the shouldn't pass the ball

But what is it that the Black Mamba is telling us during his last circle around the Association? Well, we now know, because over the weekend, our Senior NBA Writer and Chief Technology Officer Alan Goldsher built a Kobe Bryant Translation App. It's still in beta, so the below translations might not be 100% accurate, but we think it will offer a good idea as to what's going on inside of Bryant's noggin as his professional basketball career nears its completion.

WHAT KOBE SAID

"Friends come and go, but banners hang forever."

WHAT KOBE MEANT

"How come none of my teammates bought me a damn birthday present?"

WHAT KOBE SAID

"They learn by observing how I approach [basketball]. They don't want to see me approach it as an average player, or approach it as a player who's 20 years in. They want to and need to see that focus and that intensity and that energy and that drive. That's how they learn. They've told me that."

WHAT KOBE MEANT

"They've all asked in quiet, respectful tones if I could pass them the ball once in a while. Since they're being quiet and respectful, I've refrained from making them cry. I'll just quietly and respectfully tell them, 'Set me a [bleeping] pick, go to your [bleeping] spot and when I miss my twelfth consecutive [bleeping] long-range J of the night and Bogut or whoever gets the [bleeping] rebound, get back on defense. And don't roll your [bleeping] eyes at me.' Okay, maybe I made one of them cry, but that's on him."

WHAT KOBE SAID

"I feel good."

WHAT KOBE MEANT

"When I walk, my left knee sounds like an Art Blakey drum solo and my right knee sounds like a fart. After each game, I soak in a whirlpool filled with ice for seven hours—sometimes eight—then slather every inch of my body with Icy Hot. I have to be wheeled into the stadium on a gurney each night. Sometimes during games, the pain gets so bad that I can put up only 30 shots."

WHAT KOBE SAID

"[The Lakers] have really set themselves up for a promising future going on years. I think they drafted very well. The free agents that we picked are extremely solid, [Roy] Hibbert, [Brandon] Bass, Lou [Williams]. We have a very good mix of young and veteran leadership."

WHAT KOBE MEANT

"I swear, if Kevin Durant wants to come to L.A. as a free agent, I'll pay him out of my pocket."

WHAT KOBE SAID

"I feel very good about [retirement]. This is a game I've been playing since I was two years old, and I feel very blessed and very fortunate to be at such great peace with it."

WHAT KOBE MEANT

"Next season, I'm totally signing with the Knicks."

By: Alan Goldsher

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