'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Bethenny ever after

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Crossover Alert! Bethenny Brings Drama to "RHOBH"

This episode is like a weekend in the Hamptons. It's long and slow, like a cat stretching its paws on a sun-dappled settee. It's loose and luxurious, like the breeze through a white silk dress. It's like a cloud of mosquitos, hovering around your head and annoying they hell out of you. It's like bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Long Island Expressway, full of rich people who don't move anywhere or do anything. They're all just marinating in the juices of their own exclusivity.

Yes, the only thing that really matters is how Erika Girardi shows up in her private jet, fresh from Chicago Pride, to class up the joint. Lisar's reaction to Erika is a lot like mine: At first she's like, "Please, this bimbo is stupid and gross and her video looks like a public service announcement for thong safety." After she meets Erika, though, she's like, "Alright, I get it, she's freaking amazing." That's the thing about Erika. If you give her 15 minutes, she'll convert you.

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'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Bethenny ever after

Jeana Keough - Orange County

Shot in Coto de Casa, California. Dec 18, 2006 House of Vicki Gunvalson Talent: Jo de La Rosa Jeana Keough Tammy Knickerbocker Lauri Waring Vicki Gunvalson

Lauri Waring Peterson - Orange County

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY -- 'Final BBQ' -- Pictured: Lauri Waring Peterson (Photo by Isabella Vosmikova/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Jo De La Rosa - Orange County

Shot in Coto de Casa, California. Dec 18, 2006 House of Vicki Gunvalson Talent: Jo de La Rosa Jeana Keough Tammy Knickerbocker Lauri Waring Vicki Gunvalson

Kimberly Bryant - Orange County

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY -- Season 1 -- Pictured: Kimberly Bryant -- Bravo (Photo by Chris McPherson/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Tammy Knickerbocker - Orange County

Shot in Coto de Casa, California. Dec 18, 2006 House of Vicki Gunvalson Talent: Jo de La Rosa Jeana Keough Tammy Knickerbocker Lauri Waring Vicki Gunvalson

Quinn Fry - Orange County

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY -- Pictured: Quinn Fry (Photo by Kelsey McNeal/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Gretchen Rossi - Orange County

Los Angeles, California, USA. 19th Mar, 2015. Gretchen Rossi attends WE tv Presents: ''The Evolution of Relationship Reality Shows'' on March 19th, 2015 at The Paley Center for Media in Beverly Hills.California. USA. © TLeopold/Globe Photos/ZUMA Wire/Alamy Live News

Lynne Curtin - Orange County

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality LYNNE CURTIN from 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Alexis Bellino - Orange County

New york, USA. 3rd April 2013. 'The Real Housewives of Orange County reality star ALEXIS BELLINO attends the 2013 Bravo Upfront held at Pillars 37 Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPRESS.com/Alamy Live News)

Peggy Tanous - Orange County

Mar. 30, 2011 - Los Angeles, California, U.S. - Peggy Tanous.2011 Bravo Upfront in LA held The Roosevelt, Los Angeles, CA. March 30 - 2011.(Credit Image: © TLeopold/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Lydia McLaughlin - Orange County

New york, USA. 3rd April 2013. 'The Real Housewives of Orange County reality star LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN attends the 2013 Bravo Upfront held at Pillars 37 Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPRESS.com/Alamy Live News)

Lizzie Rovsek - Orange County

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE -- Pictured: Lizzie Rovsek -- (Photo by: Charles Sykes/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Alec McCord - New York City

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality ALEX MCCORD from 'The Real Housewives of New York City' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Jill Zarin - New York City

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality JILL ZARIN from 'The Real Housewives of New York City' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Kelly Bensimon - New York City

April 30, 2012 - Hollywood, California, U.S. - Kelly Killoren Bensimon signs her book ''I Can Make You Hot'' at Barnes & Noble at The Grove in Los Angeles, CA 4/30/12 2012..KELLY KILLOREN BENSIMON(Credit Image: © Scott Kirkland/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Cindy Barshop - New York City

Apr. 10, 2011 - New York, New York, U.S. - Reality personality CINDY BARSHOP attends the 2011 TV Land Awards held at the Jacob Javits Center. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Aviva Drescher - New York City 

April 14, 2012 - New York, New York, U.S. - AVIVA DRESCHER attends the 'TV Land Awards' 10th Anniversary event held at the Lexington Avenue Armory. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Kristen Taekman - New York City

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 12: Kristen Taekman attends Big City Moms Biggest Baby Shower NYC at Metropolitan Pavilion on November 12, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Robin Marchant/Getty Images for Big City Moms, Inc.)

Heather Thompson - New York City

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 14: Heather Thompson attends the 2015 NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment Upfront at The Jacob K. Javits Convention Center on May 14, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Jim Spellman/WireImage)

Kim Zolciak-Biermann - Atlanta

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality KIM ZOLCIAK from 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Sheree Whitfield - Atlanta

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality SHEREE WHITFIELD from 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Lisa Wu-Hartwell - Atlanta

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality LISA WU HARTWELL from 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

DeShawn Snow

DeShawn Snow arrives at the 43rd NAACP Image Awards on Friday, Feb. 17, 2012, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Porsha Williams - Atlanta 

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE -- Pictured: Porsha Williams -- (Photo by: Charles Sykes/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

NeNe Leakes - Atlanta

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 23: (EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE) NeNe Leakes poses backstage after her Opening Night in the hit musical 'Chicago' on Broadway at The Ambassador Theater on November 23, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Bruce Glikas/FilmMagic)

Claudia Jordon - Atlanta

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - OCTOBER 29: Reality TV Personality Claudia Jordan attends the amfAR's Inspiration Gala after party at 1OAK on October 29, 2015 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic)

Jacqueline Laurita - New Jersey

June 24, 2010 - New York, New York, U.S. - After party for the off- Broadway opening of ''My BIg Gay Italian Wedding'' at INK 48 NYC 06-24-2010 Photos by Rangefinder- Photos Inc.©2010.JACQUELINE LAURITA.K65573RM(Credit Image: © Rick Mackler/Globe Photos/ZUMApress.com)

Caroline Manzo - New Jersey

Oct. 6, 2010 - New York, New York, U.S. - Reality personality CAROLINE MANZO attends 'The Spin Crowd' Season Finale Party held at Provocateur. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com)

Danielle Staub - New Jersey

Mar 10, 2010 - New York, New York, USA - Reality personality DANIELLE STAUB from 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' attends Bravo Media's 2010 Upfront Party held at Skylight Studios. (Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press)

Kathy Wakile - New Jersey

March 8, 2012 - New York, New York, U.S. - KATHY WAKILE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ.Starlight Children's Foundation 27th Annual Gala at the Marriott Marquis Hotel in New York City 03-08-2012.(Credit Image: © Mitchell Levy/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Taylor Armstrong - Beverly Hills

Jan. 24, 2012 - Hollywood, California, U.S. - ''Giving Back Never Looked So Good'' hosted by Catt Sadler at Station Hollywood in Hollywood, CA 1/24/12 2012..TAYLOR ARMSTRONG(Credit Image: © Scott Kirkland/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Adrienne Maloof - Beverly Hills

Oct 11, 2010 - West Hollywood, California, U.S. - ADRIENNE MALOOF arrives at Bravo's 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Premiere Party at Trousday in West Hollywood. (Credit Image: © Brian Dowling/ZUMApress.com)

Camille Grammer - Beverly Hills

Oct 11, 2010 - West Hollywood, California, U.S. - CAMILLE GRAMMER arrives at Bravo's 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Premiere Party at Trousday in West Hollywood. (Credit Image: © Brian Dowling/ZUMApress.com)

Carlton Gebbia - Beverly Hills

Los Angeles, California, USA. 7th May, 2014. Carlton Gebbia attends ABC Mother 's Day Luncheon held at Four Seasons Hotel on May 7th, 2014 Los Angeles, California, USA. © TLeopold/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com/Alamy Live News

Joyce Giraud - Beverly Hills

Los Angeles, California, USA. 29th Apr, 2014. Joyce Giraud attending the Los Angeles Premiere of ''Mom's Night Out'' held at the TCL Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, California on April 29, 2014. 2014 © D. Long/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com/Alamy Live News

Kim Richards - Beverly Hills

Los Angeles, California, USA. 22nd February 2013. Kim Richards attending the QVC Red Carpet Style held at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles, California on February 22, 2013 . 2013(Credit Image: © D. Long/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com/Alamy Live News)

Brandi Glanville - Beverly Hills

Sept. 27, 2012 - Los Angeles, California, U.S. - Brandi Glanville attends Beverly Hills Lifestyle Fall 2012 Launch party on 27th September 2012 at Kyle by Alene Too,Beverly Hills, CA.USA.(Credit Image: © TLeopold/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Larsa Pippen - Miami

New York, NY - October 19, 2014: Larsa Pippen attends runway for PetiteParade Kids Fashion week at Bath House Studios

Cristy Rice - Miami

MIAMI, FL - MARCH 09: Cristy Rice attends Ocean Drive Magazine Eighteenth Anniversary event at JW Marriott on March 9, 2011 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images)

Marysol Patton - Miami

Marysol Patton attends Bravo Televisions' The Real Housewives of Miami' Season 3 premiere party on August 6, 2013 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Jeff Daly/Invision/AP)

Ana Quincoces - Miami

Ana Quincoces attends Bravo Televisions' The Real Housewives of Miami' Season 3 premiere party on August 6, 2013 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Jeff Daly/Invision/AP)

Karent Sierra - Miami

Nov. 15, 2012 - Las Vegas, Nevada, USA - Karent Sierra at the 2012 Latin Grammy Awards held at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, Nevada on Thursday, November 15, 2012. (Credit Image: © Javier Rojas/Prensa Internacional/ZUMAPRESS.com)

Mary Amons - Washington, DC

Mary Amons attending the '3rd Annual Star Magazine All Hollywood Event' celebrating celebrities and their charities, held at the Trousdale in West Hollywood, California on April 03, 2011.

Lynda Erkiletian - Washington, DC

Lynda Erkiletian arrives at the American Red Cross 7th Annual Red Tie Affair at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel on Saturday, April 6, 2013 in Los Angeles. (Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP)

Cat Ommanney - Washington, DC

TV personality Cat Ommanney attends Cat Ommanney's 'Inbox Full' book party at Ted Gibson Salon on March 3, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by D Dipasupil/FilmMagic)

Michaele Salahi - Washington, DC

Michaele Salahi at DrinkingAndDriving.org's 1st Annual Celebrity Charity Tabloid Roast, Ha Ha Comedy Club, North Hollywood, CA. 05-31-11

Stacie Scott Turner - Washington, DC

WASHINGTON - AUGUST 05: Cast member Stacie Scott Turner arrives at the premiere of 'The Real Housewives Of D.C.' at The Madison Hotel on August 5, 2010 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Paul Morigi/WireImage)

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That's why it's great to see Eileen get so into Erika. I don't think Bethenny is jealous of Erika, but Eileen definitey is. She wants to be able to show off her humps, her lovely lady lumps, but doesn't have the courage to do it. She's held in by some outdated idea of decorum that, clearly, doesn't hold Erika back. That's probably because a gaggle of gay scientists created Erika in a lab. They were never afraid of their sexuality and taught Erika to live the same way. Maybe she's just more evolved than the rest of us. Who knows?

The person with the most complicated reaction to Erika, though, is none other than Bethenny Frankel, that overflowing bag of microwave popcorn, who hosts a dinner party for the Real Housewives from the opposite coast as they visit the Hamptons. When she and Kyle look at Erika's Instagram, Bethenny is like, "Okay, she's ridiculous." Which, duh. The point of Erika is that she is ridiculous. the ridiculousness is the entire point of the enterprise — just like the chicken dance, Nicki Minaj lyrics, and vajazzaling,

Bethenny says she really loves Erika, but she certainly isn't acting like it. She calls her "Bambi," which is not a compliment. She's all like, "This hooker slut over here is crazy and sleeps with old men and it's awesome." It's as if Bethenny is saying that Erika is great — and by now, we can all agree that she is — but the words she uses to describe her are derogatory. Which Bethenny should we believe? It's like she loves Erika for being herself, but hates her for being so obviously sexual. The patriarchy has colonized her speech.

The worst part is when Bethenny is all, "You should market this as like empowering for women," and Erika responds like, "Um, that's the point, stupidface." Erika totally saves it with the quote of all eternity, though: "I don't know anything about margaritas and I don't know anything about being skinny, so I don't mess with her Skinny Girl shit. So maybe she shouldn't mess with mine." Erika, I throw myself at your feet. I am your humble servant forever. I will kiss your ring. I will pat your puss, until death or cancellation do us part.

Nevertheless, Bethenny isn't entirely wrong. Erika could market herself better. We're drawn to to Erika on the show — and she's attractive as a person to Bethenny — because of the juxtaposition between Erika Jayne, the bottomless vortex of pussy power, and Erika Girardi, the wife and mother who flies a private jet and lives in Beverly Hills and sits at dinner parties with stuffy old lawyers while trying not to yawn in their wrinkly, privileged faces. When Erika Jayne performs at Chicago Pride, America's fifth largest Homosexual Gay Pride Celebration, we miss the part of her that isn't writhing to a dance beat that sounds like the later stages of a meth binge. Erika Jayne is a single entendre, and that's as appealing as an open-faced Oreo.

RELATED: See photos of Bethenny Frankel through her career

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'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Bethenny ever after
LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 14: Television personality Bethenny Frankel attends the grand opening of Beauty & Essex at The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas on May 14, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Gabe Ginsberg/Getty Images)
YONKERS, NY - MAY 07: Bethenny Frankel visits Kentucky Derby Day at Empire City Casino on May 7, 2016 in Yonkers, New York. (Photo by Steve Mack/Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 26: Bethenny Frankel launches 'B Real with Bethenny' on Andy Cohen's exclusive SiriusXM channel Radio Andy at SiriusXM Studio on April 26, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Robin Marchant/Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - APRIL 05: Bethenny Frankel visits 'Extra' at their New York studios at H&M in Times Square on April 5, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by D Dipasupil/Getty Images for Extra)
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - APRIL 06: Bethenny Frankel attends the Hollywood Reporter's 2016 35 Most Powerful People in Media at Four Seasons Restaurant on April 6, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- Season 2 -- Pictured: Bethenny Frankel (Photo by Andrew Eccles/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 14: Bethenny Frankel is seen walking in SoHo on January 14, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)
NEW YORK, NY - OCTOBER 18: TV Personality Bethenny Frankel is seen at Skinnygirl station at the Grand Tasting presented by ShopRite featuring KitchenAid® culinary demonstrations presented by MasterCard during the Food Network New York City Wine & Food Festival Presented By FOOD & WINE at Pier 94 on October 18, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for NYCWFF)
Bethenny Frankel attends the QVC and FFANY Present The "FFANY Shoes on Sale" Gala on Wednesday, Oct. 8, 2014, in New York. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)
Bethenny Frankel attends the Elton John AIDS Foundation’s 13th Annual "An Enduring Vision" benefit at Cipriani's Wall Street on Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2014, in New York. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)
FILE - This April 18, 2013 file photo originally released by Skinnygirl Cocktails shows TV personality Bethenny Frankel mixing cocktails at a launch party to introduce new Skinnygirl products in New York. Frankel plans to expand her Skinnygirl line of wine and spirits and power bars to include more food products. Frankel, whose entrepreneurial reach also includes diet books and videos, and a novel, had a six-city run of "bethenny" on Fox-owned stations last year. The show will air in cities across the country this fall. (AP Photo/Skinnygirl Cocktails, Diane Bondareff, file)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- Season 3 -- Pictured: (l-r) Jill Zarin, Ramona Singer, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, LuAnn de Lesseps, Alex McCord, Bethenny Frankel -- Bravo (Photo by Mitchell Haaseth/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- Season 1 -- Pictured: (l-r) Ramona Singer, Jill Zarin, Lu-Ann DeLesseps, Bethenny Frankel, Alex McCord (Photo by Jay Sullivan/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- Season 2 -- Pictured: (l-r) Luann De Lesseps, Jill Zarin, Bethenny Frankel, Kelly Bensimon, Ramona Singer, Alex McCord (Photo by Andrew Eccles/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 11: (L-R) SVP of Programming, Bravo, Andy Cohen, reality T.V. stars Kelly Killoren Bensimon, LuAnn de Lesseps, Jill Zarin, President, Women and Lifestyle Networks, NBC Universal, Lauren Zalaznick, general manager, Bravo, Frances Berwick, and reality T.V. stars Bethenny Frankel, Ramona Singer, and Alex McCord, attend 'The Real Housewives of New York City' season 2 premiere party at Gilt at the Palace Hotel on February 11, 2009 in New York City. (Photo by Gary Gershoff/Getty Images)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- 'The Real Housewives of New York City reunion show' -- Pictured: (l-r) Sonja Morgan, Alex McCrod, Ramona Singer, Bethenny Frankel (Photo by Heidi Gutman/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY -- 'The Real Housewives of New York City reunion show' -- Pictured: (l-r) Alex McCord, Sonja Morgan, Ramona Singer, Bethenny Frankel, LuAnn de Lesseps, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Jill Zarin (center) Andy Cohen (Photo by Heidi Gutman/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE -- Pictured: Bethenny Frankel -- (Photo by: Charles Sykes/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - MARCH 21: Bethenny Frankel is seen on March 21, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by NCP/Star Max/GC Images)
NEW YORK, NY - MARCH 19: Bethenny Frankel is seen on March 19, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by NCP/Star Max/GC Images)
NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 12: Bethenny Frankel hosts a Valentine's Day show on "bethenny" at CBS Broadcast Center February 12, 2014 in New York City. The show will air February 14. (Photo by Brad Barket/Getty Images for "bethenny")
NEW YORK - JANUARY 21: Bethenny Frankel (R) hosts Dr. Travis Stork (L) and Kandi Burruss (not pictured), Renee Graziano (not pictured), Alicia Quarles (not pictured) at CBS Broadcast Center January 21, 2014 in New York City. The show will air January 22. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images for "bethenny")
NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 15: Bethenny Frankel and Bryn Hoppy are seen in Tribeca on January 15, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Alo Ceballos/FilmMagic)
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 24: Bethenny Frankel is seen in Soho on September 24, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)
GOOD MORNING AMERICA - Bethenny Frankel is a guest on 'Good Morning America,' 9/23/14, airing on the ABC Television Network. (Photo by Lou Rocco/ABC via Getty Images)
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 23: Television personality Bethenny Frankel is seen on September 23, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by XPX/Star Max/GC Images)
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 23: Television personality Bethenny Frankel leaves the 'Good Morning America' taping at the ABC Times Square Studios on September 23, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Ray Tamarra/GC Images)
RIDGEWOOD, NJ - SEPTEMBER 23: Bethenny Frankel promotes her children's book 'Cookie Meet Peanut' at Bookends Bookstore on September 23, 2014 in Ridgewood, New Jersey. (Photo by Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images)
NEW YORK NY - SEPTEMBER 17: Bethenny Frankel sighting on September 17, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Josiah Kamau/BuzzFoto/FilmMagic)
IMAGE DISTRIBUTED FOR SKINNYGIRL COCKTAILS - Bethenny Frankel introduces fans to Skinnygirl Cocktails€™ new wine offerings - Skinnygirl Prosecco, Skinnygirl Chardonnay, Skinnygirl Pinot Grigio and Skinnygirl Cabernet Sauvignon - after surprising a small gathering of fans during a recent happy hour, Thursday, Nov. 7, 2013, in New York. (Diane Bondareff/Invision for Skinnygirl Cocktails/AP Images)
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I was glad to see Bethenny in this episode, mostly because I (kind of) want to be her. Her haircut is amazing, her house is amazing, and her outfit was amazing until she rips it trying to be Erika Jayne. It's all perfect. The most perfect thing, though, is Kyle's story about how she met Bethenny during her waitress days: She walked up to her table and said, "I'm dating your ex-boyfriend. Is that your expensive eye makeup remover in his bathroom? What kind of crazy bitch spends that much money on eye makeup remover?" That's the Bethenny we loved, the brash underdog who didn't give a hoot who she offended. When she does stuff like that now, however, she comes across as a shrill know-it-all who you want to smother with eye rolls until she stops talking forever.

Still, the Bethenny and Kyle catch-up session is amazing, if only for that picture of them when they first met 25 years ago. The hair! It was both trying too hard and not nearly accomplished enough, like a starlet making her first appearance as one of the disposable girlfriends on Charles in Charge. I could listen to an entire hour of stories about Bethenny and Kyle running around Los Angeles sleeping with all the dudes, then picking up Paris and Nicky after school and driving them for ice cream. Can that be Bravo's next show? Please? I'll start my spec script now.

Since we're talking about things that we want to see, how about talking about things that we never want to see again? Number one is Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes, and right below him is David Foster (Wallace), the swishing gecko tongue who, until recently, was married to Yolanda Bananas Foster. During the little moment we see of him, he not only jokes about how his wife's breasts were small and awful after she had her implants taken out, but also jokes with Lisa about how big her husband's boobs are. When is that ever funny? And just like Ricky Gervais, this guy sits there with a smug smile on his face. He thinks he's edgy and naughty, but he's really just an awful man who makes dated jokes about Charlie Sheen. God, he is the worst. And by "he," I mean both Ricky and David.

What's funny about the RHOBH is how it develops this dramatic irony with its stars. As season one aired with a smirking Camille Grammer, we knew that her husband would divorce her. In season two, we knew that the tortured Taylor Armstrong would have to endure her husband's suicide. In both cases, there was a spirit of comeuppance or relief about how things played out. Not so with Yolanda. When she says things like, "This is not what you signed up for," and he makes cracks about her body, it makes me want to smother Yolanda in lemons and give her a hug that will last until the final Avengers movie hits theaters.

I guess we should also address Lisa and Eileen's affair conversation. Do we really have to? This is so silly. Lisa likes to pump people with questions. I don't really blame her; so do I. If you think that I can sit down at a dinner with Padma Lakshmi and not ask her every question I've ever had about Glitter, you are sadly mistaken. (Again, sorry Padma.) The affair sort of comes up in conversation, so Lisa jumps at the opportunity. Is that tactless? Yes. However, Eileen keeps answering her questions. She isn't giving off a "I don't want to talk about this" vibe. As Lisa says, if she didn't want to talk about it, just say so. Also, Lisar and Kyle clearly feel the line of questioning is a little touchey, but they don't do nothing. They could have said, "Lisa, knock it off. Not at dinner." Instead, they sit there, pushing their risotto around on their plates as if they were actually going to eat.

That same night, somewhere on one of the grass-fringed beaches, a woman stands against the darkness, casting no shadow in the darkness. She can't see the stars in the ocean. No light flickers across the roiling water. Even the breeze that blows her red hair against her face seems to move with the water's shushing rhythm. She stands at the dune, the sand so cold it hurts her feet, but she can't move. She is staring at the house, the one she knows those other women are staying in, and she can't look away. She wants to be there too, not because their house is bigger or nicer, but because it has something her house doesn't. It has the connection, that thing that beams their existences up into the satellites, splintering them each into a million streams that go into a million homes. Those streams keep them alive, like a river that never stops flowing, a spring of eternal youth that will never dry, no matter how many drink from it. She stares at the windows as each blinks out. A green light is fastened to a pole on the back deck.

Jill Zarin stares at that green light, hoping it can draw her in like a tractor beam, dragging her limp body through the salt spray. But it won't, not for her. She knows that now. Her light had been extinguished, her stream dammed up. She holds a small, square, remote-control device in her hand. She lifts it and points it at the house, pushing a button while squinting at the deck, blurring that green light into a fractured star. She hopes that somehow, it will ignite.

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