NFL Week 2: Five things to know

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By MATT HEVIA
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NFL Week 2. Many triumphed, many failed, and Cam Newton did a damn front flip into the end zone. As is the case with most weeks of the NFL season, this was a fun one, and one that featured me anxiety eating white cheddar popcorn while watching the Giants blow another fourth quarter lead to fall to 0-2. And really, I don't even care about the Giants, but it was like watching a 40-year-old dancing at a college bar—rough, very uncomfortable, and inexplicably captivating.

With that said, let's dive right into the five things you should know as we wrap up Week 2. This week's is going to be a little different. I'm going to list five teams, and tell you if, after two weeks, they should be listening to Coldplay's "The Scientist" or "Don't Stop The Party" by Pitbull.

The New York Giants

The Giants' logo has become the universal sign for choking of the past couple of weeks. Two 10-point leads down the toilet, leaving them at the bottom of the NFC East, and with only three days to recover before playing the Redskins this Thursday.

For the Giants, I think they should be listening to three quarters of Don't Stop The Party, and then a quarter of The Scientist, because it mirrors their play. Lots of dancing, singing and, general joviality, ending with the team and fans going home looking wrestling fans who just found out that the winner of matches is predetermined.

The New England Patriots

These guys are walking red-faced angry emojis. Holy crap. Talk about poking the bear. I'm pretty sure that Tom Brady would run up the score on a Pee-Wee team at this point and feel nothing. They moved to 2-0 yesterday against the Buffalo Bills, in a game where Tom Brady went 38 of 59—yeah, 59— for 466 yards and three touchdowns. Like I said, Tom Brady, right now, is the equivalent of the kid who started working out in his backyard when he was five, and had to shave for his fourth grade class photo—scary and someone to avoid at all costs.

I'd say the Pats should be listening to Pitbull, but we all know that Bill Belichick would shut it off and turn on his favorite cassette tape— the sounds of people screaming while having invasive oral surgery. It relaxes him.

The New Orleans Saints

Whooolllllleee lotta Coldplay up in there. What I thought would be a rollicking good time yesterday against the Jameis Winston-led Buccaneers turned into a beignet filled hellscape, in which the Saints found themselves 0-2 headed into Week 3.

I hate to say that the Saints look finished, but...the Saints look finished.

The Cleveland Browns

Yeah, they're 1-1, but they get to listen to some Pitbull. Travis Benjamin scored three touchdowns yesterday, good for 31 FD points, and Jonathan Footballs was for the most part a game manager, only throwing 15 times, but two of those 15 throws were touchdown passes. Shades of '09 Mark Sanchez if you ask me. And Mike Pettine knows Mark pretty well from his days with the Jets, so maybe they're on to something in Cleveland. Or, maybe they beat a Delanie Walker-less Titans team whose rookie QB was anointed the next John Elway after one-week in the NFL. Either way, it was a good week for the Browns, and they should celebrate.

The Dallas Cowboys

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry....yeah you get the idea. Jerry Jones should be flying Chris Martin to Dallas ASAP, and having people tune a piano for his arrival, so that he can play The Scientist in person. Dez is gone, Romo is gone, it's just a mess. Are they 2-0? Yes they are. Ok, fine, because of that, they can dance like they're listening to Pitbull, but we're still playing Coldplay. Flying Chris Martin to Dallas first class wasn't cheap!

I'd be amazed if they can keep their heads above water for very long without arguably their two biggest stars, and with matchups against teams like the Falcons and Patriots coming their way.

...Oh take me back to the start.
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