Top 10 #Deflategate punishments Tom Brady should have been given

Alexander Goot
The Cauldron

Professional sports are, by their very existence, a ridiculous exercise. To borrow from Ian Malcolm in Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, they are "grown men swatting balls, while the world pays money to applaud." And yet every so often, sports sail beyond the usual, day-to-day silliness to provide us with massive, eye-catching examples of the fact that yes, all perspective has been lost.

Take, for example, the Wells Report.

At 243 pages, it is not quite the length of Jurassic Park, though it does surpass the heft of a number of classic American novels. But while we wait for Variety to break the news that the report will be optioned into a feature film,(no doubt starring Kevin Costner), it's worth reflecting on the absurdity of the report itself. Eighty-two thousand words devoted to answering the question of whether Tom Brady and his minions performed some variety of low-level equipment manipulation?

It's the sort of rudimentary tampering that has long been an intrinsic part of football, and sporting culture at large. We don't need a report to tell us that to prevent tampering with the footballs, it's best to avoid releasing them from the officials' custody once they have been properly prepared.

Of course, this is the NFL, so before we can move forward, we must properly punish those who have trespassed against us. It's clear from the Wells Report - or, at least, it's "more probable than not" - and so, word came down on Monday that Tom Brady, our American QB Idol, would be suspended for four games.

Initial reaction is that the punishment is stern, and precedent setting, and perhaps a little bats*** crazy.

But in this writer's humble opinion, the NFL was not nearly creative enough. After all, think about how the league leaked information surrounding its decision making process just a few days ago.

Before it was handed down, Peter King called Roger Goodell's decision on discipline for Brady the toughest of the Commish's career. That's right ... for a league grappling with a concussion crisis, a failure to take care of retired players, and a total bungling of the way it responds to domestic violence,nothing was more important than dealing with the guy who took some air out of the ball.

So why stop at four games, a couple of picks, and a million dollars. It's time to go big or go home; it's time for Commissioner Goodell to think outside the box.

Then again, speaking of boxes, perhaps Brady could be made to deliver Goodell a few pizzas. Just remember Tom ... you don't eat, until the commish eats.

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