A comical look at top Super Bowl XLIX storylines

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By DJ GALLO

The Super Bowl matchup is set: Patriots vs. Packers. Wait ... no. Patriots vs. Seahawks. Huh. That changed quickly. But Patriots-Packers is set. Let's take a look at top Super Bowl XLIX storylines you'll be bludgeoned with for the next two weeks.

Is Tom Brady's LEGACY on the line?

Recall that Peyton Manning's legacy hung in the balance before Super Bowl XLVIII. His team got destroyed. Therefore, Peyton Manning is now a homeless man who eats out of the dumpsters behind the Papa John's restaurants he used to own. NFL Hall of Fame security has been ordered to shoot him on sight if he ever gets near the facility. What a dramatic fall. I guess you better win, Tom Brady.

Is Pete Carroll or Bill Belichick the greatest football coach?

Pete Carroll won titles at USC and a Super Bowl with the Seahawks just one year ago. Bill Belichick has now been to six Super Bowls and has won three.

A week ago Urban Meyer won a national title at his second school and supposedly supplanted Nick Saban as the best coach.

Bruce Arians is expected to win the NFL Coach of the Year by a large margin.

It's all very confusing and seems to change week-to-week and day-to-day. A weak man would say there are many good football coaches right now and the sport is fortunate. A real man knows only one coach can be the greatest and that all the others are second-rate. The Super Bowl will decide it all, once and for all, until the next season and/or game that decides it. The stakes couldn't be (temporarily) higher!

Is Russell Wilson the future of the NFL quarterback position?

If he wins? Definitely. And that will be ironclad forever. He is the face of the NFL's young QB generation, no takebacks. We all know that the status of veteran quarterbacks is never #debated once it's established in their youth.

But if he loses? Then he's just a third-year quarterback who is only 1–1 in Super Bowls in his career. Shameful.

Is Richard Sherman or Darrelle Revis the best cornerback in the NFL?

They're the two best in the game because they made it to football's biggest stage. That we know. We also know for a fact that Patrick Peterson isn't the best cornerback in the NFL because his team didn't have an offense good enough to get him to the Super Bowl. Peterson sucks.

Is the winner of Super Bowl XLIX a dynasty?

The Seahawks are going for back-to-back Super Bowl titles. The Patriots are trying to win their first Super Bowl in 10 years. A "dynasty" - if we're not going to completely strip that word of meaning like we did "elite" - is probably a team that wins at least three titles in a six-year period, so neither team can be deemed a "dynasty" if they win this game.

Wait. That's not a good storyline. My apologies. I can do better ...

Is the winner of Super Bowl XLIX the GREATEST SPORTS TEAM EVER?

You better believe it! No question.

Was Super Bowl XLIX the greatest Super Bowl ever?

It hasn't been played yet, but YES! (or it was the worst ever.) And the ads? TERRIBLE. (Or great.) And Katy Perry's halftime performance was AMAZING (or awful).

Is it possible to just enjoy a championship game between two good teams without debating every aspect of it and reducing the whole thing to lazy storylines that will result in everyone involved being deemed GREAT or TERRIBLE?

Nope.

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