6 Office Kitchen Etiquette Guidelines

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This is a set of mandatory guidelines.

Working in close proximity to others requires a communal mindset. Diplomacy, consideration, and hygiene are paramount to a functional society.

The following advice is all very simple, and yet, startlingly difficult to follow.

If you take the last cup of coffee, brew another pot.
How to earn trust and avoid wrath

This is basic office diplomacy. Anyone who fails to do this is not to be trusted, and shame will befall your family for generations. Furthermore, many physical altercations involving swearing and clawing will be averted by following this simple piece of advice.

No fish in the microwave.
For the love of all that is good, do not do this.
When the kitchen reeks of low tide, stomachs turn and morale plummets. Triggering the gag reflex of your colleagues can also be dangerous to your career prospects and will be brought up at your annual review.

If it's not yours, do not eat it.
Thieves are never beloved.
Thievery is unacceptable. You will be found out, and when you are, the hangry (hungry + angry, a terrifying side effect of low blood sugar) vengeance of the wronged party will prove to be far less appetizing than whatever you stole-this is exponentially more egregious if you nicked the food of a pregnant woman.

Do not comment on the dietary habits of others.
People have many shapes. No big deal.
Sometimes, people have strange diets involving opaque smoothies. Sometimes, large people enjoy chocolate muffins. Sometimes, tiny people nibble dehydrated kale. Keep your opinions of others' consumption to yourself. You're not their mother.

If you make a mess, clean it up.
Cleanliness is next to friendliness.
A puddle of soup looks like vomit. Crumbs attract rodents. A bowl left in the sink shall not wipe itself clean. And nobody wants to work with the slob beast that leaves a trail of sticky destruction in its wake. This is what those strategically placed paper towels are for.

Do not abandon food in the fridge.
Get the gas mask. This is ugly.
The smell of rot will contaminate everything else in there. If you realize you have done this, sprint to the kitchen and dispose of your toxic mold colony.
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