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theSkimm's guide to the World Cup

theSKIMM'S GUIDE TO THE WORLD CUP

Follow @theSkimm

THE STORY
It's time to start calling soccer "football" again. The World Cup is back. Brazil is hosting.

WHEN IS IT?
Kicks off today at 4PM ET and goes until July 13. 64 games in five weeks. Watch it at your local sports bar on ESPN, ABC, and Univision. Or watch it at your desk here.

WHERE IS IT?
Brazil. In 12 different cities. Brazil is not a tiny place. So you'll have to take a plane to get around.

WHO'S GOING?
32 teams from all different countries. It took them two years to qualify for the Cup. But it took them no time to start taking selfies. Teams that make it are divided into eight groups of four. In each group, the top two teams advance to the knockout stage. Losers pack their balls and go home.

JUST SO YOU KNOW I HATE SOCCER AND PLAN ON IGNORING THIS.
Good for you. But... 3.2 billion other people watched the last Cup - almost half of everyone on Earth. This only happens every four years. And it's about more than kicking a ball. The World Cup has always had historical and political implications; Hitler tried to use the Cup to promote Nazi propaganda; in 1969, soccer legend Pele's arrival in Nigeria brought a ceasefire to a bloody civil war. So yup, big deal.

WHAT DO I WEAR?
You could copy this guy. Or when in doubt, take a cue from Ross and dress up like the Holiday Armadillo. Not kidding - the mascot this year is an armadillo named "Fuleco."

DO I NEED TO PRACTICE PRONOUNCING 'VUVUZELA' AGAIN?
Never. Again. Brazil banned those and created the "caxirola" (pronounced "cashy rolla"), which was supposed to sound like a rain stick, or the background of an Enya song. Turns out thousands of those don't sound good either, so now they're banned. Try just clapping.

I WISH I WERE IN BRAZIL RIGHT NOW.
Turf is always greener on the other side. Some of Brazil is really excited to host around 600,000 tourists and spend $11 billion while doing so. Others not so much. The stadium where the opening match is being held still isn't finished. And another one is literally in the rainforest. Meanwhile, officials say it's best not to scream if you get mugged.

UH OK. TELL ME WHY BRAZILIANS ARE UPSET AGAIN?
Brazil's economy is moving about as fast as you do after Sunday brunch. Some people think the money spent on all of this should go towards more practical things like building schools and roads. And they're not being quiet about it. Subway workers went on strike, tear gas has been thrown by police, and people have been throwing up signs that say "F*** FIFA."

WHAT'S FIFA AGAIN?
The Federation Internationale de Football Association and ruler over all things football. The people in charge have been riddled with bribery scandals (cough, Qatar 2022, cough).

WHICH TEAMS SHOULD I WATCH?
Expect flags, not logos. These national teams aren't the club teams you normally hear about.
Brazil: They've got the talent and they've got the home field advantage. Double threat.
Germany: Zee Germans are top contenders. But no European team has won on South American turf. Ever.
Argentina: Fierce rivalry with Brazil.
Spain: They won last time.

WHO DO I NEED TO KNOW?
Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal): Officially considered the World's Best Player (and cover model). Let's hope his model girlfriend stays awake.
Lionel Messi (Argentina): Crowned the best player in football FOUR times. El Capitan, and Argentina's second-highest scorer ever.
Neymar (Brazil): So good he only needs one name. The home team's best chance at getting to the finals, and becoming the country's next Pele.
Luis Suarez (Uruguay): The Mike Tyson of football. Once got a 10-game ban for biting an opponent.
Michael Bradley (USA): One of the best players wearing stars n' stripes. His dad used to be the coach.
Landon Donovan (USA): Wasn't invited.

HOW'S TEAM USA LOOKING?
Well, the coach doesn't think they can win. So there's that. The US's first game is on Monday at 6pm ET. And, this year they're in a group that's known as the "Group of Death." Muahaha.

GIVE ME SOMETHING SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.
Pitch: Not like in baseball. Still soccer. Another word for "field."

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Paul FIQUET June 12 2014 at 12:09 PM

Baseball claims international world games...LOL...football the real football has world cup finals and is real...not phony claims...

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lancesammy June 12 2014 at 1:29 PM

who cares about the world cup - snooz
yeah baseball is boring too
hockey is soccer on ice
basketball nothing but thugs
american football is all that's left but that is starting to lose its luster as well for a variety of reasons

Flag Reply +1 rate up
1 reply
emmett lancesammy June 12 2014 at 2:19 PM

A real anti-sports slug on par with the anti-Christ, well, almost .

Flag Reply +1 rate up
puttershandyman June 12 2014 at 11:48 AM

Ughhhhhhhhh this is just going to be PAINFUL listening and wtahcing the soccer CRAP all day everyday................

Flag Reply 0 rate up
1 reply
sintervale puttershandyman June 12 2014 at 1:30 PM

There is a button on your TV, radio, I pad, whatever...switch it to off. No one is forceing you to watch, listen or read.

Flag Reply +2 rate up
Ana Valde June 12 2014 at 12:31 PM

FIFA is the big THIEFT in Brazil is getting not millions, but Billions of dollar in forgiving taxes for the world Soccer Cup. FIFA did not do in any other country

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petpetdon June 12 2014 at 12:48 PM

Soccer is boring. I won't be watching ANY of this pathetic mess.

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1 reply
sintervale petpetdon June 12 2014 at 1:31 PM

Is that a promise...as if anyone cares wether you tune in. Now go back and crawl under that rock that you call home.

Flag Reply +2 rate up
mariealicer June 12 2014 at 1:00 PM

Ready for five weeks of fun and good futbol. this is the world game. appreciate fax or shut up.

Flag Reply 0 rate up
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