Are You Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?

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By Neal J. Leitereg


In case you're in complete denial or have been living under a rock in recent days, it has become quite apparent that THE ZOMBIE APOCALPYSE IS UPON US, PEOPLE. Reported horrific incidents of face-eating, intestine-throwing, arm-gnawing, hush-hush hazmat evacuations, and/or general cannibalistic mayhem can mean only one thing: It's high time we start preparing for the hordes of living dead that will soon begin roaming the world in search of delicious, delicious brains.

Not to minimize the human tragedy here, but what's a guy or gal to do? This particular writer never quite completed the necessary steps to earn his "Zombie Apocalypse" merit badge, nor has he any crossbow-wielding, animal-skinning, shelter-building survival qualities to get him out of a pinch, let alone the jaws of the zombie formerly known as grandma for that matter. However, what I can offer is my expertise in real estate -- prime, zombie-defense real estate capable of putting those with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh at a distance from you and your family.

Let's begin, shall we?

33 PHOTOS
16 Fortresses for Fending Off the Zombie Apocalypse
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Are You Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?

Price: $5.25 million

The Skinny: Concrete façade and a rooftop deck for headshot contests. Just under 4 acres and over 12,500 square feet provides enough room to take in a roaming survivor or two, you know, to help fight off forces, grow crops, repopulate the Earth, etc. Pick and choose wisely, folks.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: 200-foot wood-and-steel escape bridge that leads from the main home to a private boathouse on the lake.

Price: $1.8 million

The Skinny: A massive and secluded mountain castle that could potentially provide residence for the masses. Also includes a six-floor “Gate’s Keeper” cottage, great hall and other structures.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: A pair of guard towers and other tall structures for scouting and medieval archer (and sniper) defense.

Price: $4.8 million

The Skinny: Puerto Rico, being an island and all, is not likely to be too overrun by the hordes, but if it is, Castle of Rincon provides a frontline defense with a prime, mountain-top vantage point with 360-degree views, stone facade, front gate and a lookout tower.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Two wind generators and 34 solar panels for power, and, best of all, a private on-site helipad for the quick escape.

Price: €30,000,000 (about $36.7 million)

The Skinny: It’s a legit castle, bro.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Multiple rooms with hidden passageways and elevator access for playing a fun game of hide-and-seek with the undead.

Price: $99.9 million

The Skinny: It’s a raised castle forged from magic that is surrounded in stone and includes four living sections with 20,942-square-feet of living space and 542 bathrooms.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: There’s bound to be a scroll detailing schematics for a defense rune, or perhaps a hex that summons giant spiders lying around somewhere. Oh yeah, and there’s also that the pet basilisk chilling in the Chamber of Secrets.

Price: $13.97 million

The Skinny: An 8-acre island paradise/compound called Man-o-War Cay. If that doesn’t scream zombie defense, I don’t know what does. Other highlights include a 6,000-gallon-a-day reverse osmosis water-maker and a pair of boat docks.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Five ships, including a yacht and three whalers, along with a number of wave runners, are all included in the purchase price.

Price: $12 million

The Skinny: Private, remote island with its own breaker that has been designed to be self-sustaining with wind turbines and solar panels.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Property includes not only a dock, but also a helicopter pad for making your escape, which might come in handy if the zombies pull a "Dawn of the Dead" reboot and figure out how to make a ship out of corpses.

Price: $2.85 million

The Skinny: Formerly a B&B, the Pot Island compound measures 1.71 acres and is surrounded by boulders, so it offers a strong vantage point in addition to a space to grow crops, etc.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Only a shallow dock compared to a deep-water dock means that it would be more difficult for uninfected pirates and vagabonds storming your land and pillaging your goods. Also, possible working Revolutionary War-era cannon for next level defense.

Price: $550,000

The Skinny: It’s a cheap little island-and-cabin combo in a big, big lake.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Boathouse with dock, canoe and a pair of motorboats are included.

Price: $7.9 million

The Skinny: Not one, but two small islands set in the middle of a coral reef.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Other than dodging the occasional zombie shark, who cares? It’s paradise.

Price: $10.9 million

The Skinny: An insanely symmetrical, moat-surrounded masterpiece by architect Charles Sieger. While it lacks a working drawbridge, simply destroying the only path that leads into the compound would be a logical first step.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: The rapper Birdman filmed a music video here, so there’s likely to be an automatic weapon or two that got left behind.

Price: $695,000

The Skinny: The name of this place kind of says it all, doesn’t it?

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Double-lock ship’s doors and Galvalume siding make this one pad that the walking dead wouldn’t want to mess with.

Price: $5.9 million

The Skinny: This crazy compound is the (paranoid?) masterpiece of one AI V. Corbi, the founder of a company called SAFE (Strategically Armored & Fortified Environments) that specializes in stuff like mounting lasers on sharks, building missile-proof yachts, lining Escalades with tank armor, constructing panic rooms, etc. It’s also set on a private hilltop behind a pair of gates, and has a helipad.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Not one, but two panic rooms and a pair of “safe cores,” which is basically when all the bedrooms go on lockdown mode with the twist of a doorknob.

Price: €100,000,000 (about $123,000,000)

The Skinny: A heavy mix of wrought iron fencing and concrete form the outer shell of this three-floor compound.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Beyond its formidable exterior, this little Italian villa has its own lift that extends to the roof. Plus, it’s in Italy, and if I’m going to have the flesh peeled from my bod by the jaws of zombies, that’d be the place I would like it to happen.

Price: $750,000

The Skinny: For a home that can withstand a zombie apocalypse, not to mention a nuclear apocalypse and other various apocalypses, $750,000 is a freakin’ bargain. Anyway, it’s a former nuclear silo-turned-luxury home. How cool is that?

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: Paved airstrip gets a nod, but the real bread and butter is the former launch control center that sits behind doors made of three-inch concrete and mesh, 125-feet below the earth. Oh, and there’s a Jacuzzi down there, too.

Price: $3 million

The Skinny: A former space communications satellite used during the Kennedy administration that’s loaded with tons of tech crap (albeit dated tech crap). Other amenities include a 97-foot satellite, helipad, on-site gym and power generators.

Bonus Zombie Defense Feature: If you manage to get this thing running, you might be able to contact an extraterrestrial life force to do one of two things: 1) kill the zombies or 2) repopulate the earth with half-human, half-alien beings.

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