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It's a real estate rule of thumb that the slower the market the less believable the mumbojumbo in the classifieds.

Even the pros who write this stuff don't believe it.

The National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents -- these real estate agents only represent buyers not sellers -- offers a glossary of housing descriptions to customers. Anyone can download the booklet, but here are a few highlights.

  • Cozy Home. Too small for your big-screen TV
  • Larger than it looks. Typically matchbox size
  • Damp basement in the spring. Three feet of water rushing through the basement
  • Easy access to everywhere. Backs up to an expressway
  • Finishing touches needed. Bring your own lighting, hardware, paint and carpet.
  • Galley kitchen. A hallway with cupboards.
  • Light, airy basement. You can see daylight through the cracks in the foundation.
  • Mature landscaping. The 40-year-old cottonwood tree has to be cut down before it falls on the house.
  • Retro decor. Original avocado appliances and paisley vinyl floors.
  • Unique design. You have to walk through the bedroom to get to the front door.
  • Water view. You can see the ocean on a clear day if you are standing on the roof and using binoculars.
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